What was Lost
by Cobalt Jan
Summary: Zach tells the story of his life as Alexander Cambias Jr. Or my vision of the Cambias household.
1. Chapter 1

**What Was Lost**

Chapter 1

_I SING what was lost and dread what was won,  
I walk in a battle fought over again,  
My king a lost king, and lost soldiers my men;  
Feet to the Rising and Setting may run,  
They always beat on the same small stone._

By William Butler Yeats

Most would think my story has a happy ending but it is not this life's story I am trying to tell. Not a great love story, I am afraid, but a tale of sadness and pain, pain that didn't end on that July night in 1984. I have never regretted the decision made all those years ago. To this day I feel to the depths of my soul it was necessary for me to survive. There are, however, people who would have preferred the alternative and for them I do regret what resulted from my decision. I will do my best to describe the events as truthfully as possible. It is not always easy to look back at ones life without embellishment whether for better of worse, but I have been asked many times over the years what compelled me to end the life of Alexander Cambias Jr. So here it is…. from the beginning

On a brisk February morning 1966 in Paris my father stood proud.

"My firstborn son, heir to an empire!"

"My dear, you have done your duty well. He is my son now. Alexander Cambias jr. will continue down the path I've set. He will take after me, the same drive - same ambition. I'll mold him, give him form. Your role is complete; you will have no say in his upbringing."

My father was the head of Cambias industries a huge conglomerate of multi-national companies ranging from high tech missile guiding systems to pharmaceuticals. He had a keen business sense and was not afraid to go for the jugular. He subscribed to the scorched earth methodology of business. There was a thirst within him for money and ascendancy, a thirst that was to have run in my blood as well, his first born son.

My mother, Katherine, was a beautiful woman full of grace and charm. She adorned my father's arm like a fine jewel. He loved showing her off and showered her with gifts from around the world. If anyone was a perfect match for my father it was she. Their talents were ideally suited to the end game, the acquisition of wealth and power. Katherine could ensnare any man and her expertise was not wasted. She excelled at finding a man's weakness and getting him to divulge his secrets. Once revealed Alexander would exploit it and abscond with the spoils.

This was Katherine's second marriage. Her first had been arranged by her parents at the age of 17. Howard Danvers was a brilliant Washington attorney many years her senior, a very prosperous man from a long line of money.

"Good stock" my father would say. "A mind that sharp would be an asset to my staff. I almost envy him. Regrettably he always wants to play by the rules. He has a conscience. What a shame, cannot let an idiotic fixation like that get in the way."

Howard hated my father and spent a great deal of his time looking for a way to bring him down. Unfortunately for Howard it was he who was toppled. A major embezzlement scandal humiliated him and he was found hanging in his study by their ten year old daughter Claire. Within months Katherine had wed my father and brought her millions, a substantial stock portfolio & Claire to the Paris mansion. Most of the stocks were a perfect compliment to father's, giving him majority control in several companies. Howard's misappropriated funds were never located. It was later revealed, after her death, that Katherine had set everything into motion. The funds were waiting for her in several overseas accounts. This was a prime example of how my mother and father were suited to each other. They shared an insatiable appetite for power and money coupled with a complete lack of compassion.

I was delivered to a domineering father and a detached mother. I was never meant to know how it felt to be loved unconditionally. There were always conditions attached to Alexander's & Katherine's love. Bedtime stories, soft kisses and a gentle touch to wipe away tears were meant for other children not the Cambias heir.

"Too much affection breeds weakness. My son will not be weak. He will know how to fend for himself."

Early on it became apparent that my nanny was becoming far too attached to me. Within months we moved to the US and the rapid rotation of staff became the rule. I believe the reasons for this were two-fold. I was not to be spoiled and if staff stayed on too long they would become privy to any number of private conversations. The newly constructed Cambias estate was a grand compound of lush gardens, stables, two pools, and tennis courts. The house was magnificent. The rooms were filled with original artworks by Millet, Cezanne & Ingres just to name a few, Persian rugs, Baccarat crystal. No detail was overlooked. No expense spared. It wasn't the most conducive place to raise a child, but I was no ordinary child. I was the golden boy, born into one of the richest families in the world. A life on the surface most people would envy.

As hard as Alexander tried to keep me away from the "detrimental" effects of love fortunately he did not succeed. Had it not been for Claire he would have. She was an extraordinary sister. I treasure the moments we spent together. My early years were filled with her love and caring. I followed her everywhere. Try as she might to lose me it was impossible. Eventually it became a game and she would jump out at me when I least expected. We would laugh and laugh until tears ran down our cheeks. Such laughter was infrequent though; there was a sadness to Claire. It clung to her like a shadow. She missed her father, Howard, terribly. He was a kind and gentle man who treasured his princess. What a stark contrast to the distant and cold Katherine. But the most remarkable thing about Claire was the fact that even my father seemed to love her. A tender touch to the shoulder or a gentle stroke of her hair was not uncommon. I never saw him act this way with anyone else, not even my mother.

Most of my encouragement came from Claire. She excelled at school and particularly enjoyed art and literature. I missed her during the week when she was away at school but cherished the weekends. With few friends at home I was her constant companion. We loved each other deeply and felt safe together. I especially enjoyed when she would steal into my room at bedtime and sit on the bed.

"How many dragons did my hero slay today? And how many damsels in distress did you rescue, besides me of course?" She would whisper.

"Just one. That's enough isn't it?"

"Ah yes one is just right."  
She would spend some time reading our favorite story, King Arthur. Knights made pledges of loyalty and honor, which they defended with their lives. Noble men with a code of ethics like none I had experienced first hand. And the most novel idea was that of working as a team. Teamwork was never part of the Cambias mindset.

I was only 3 or 4 at the time and though conscious of Claire's unhappiness I was unaware of the reasons. The life she was living was full of sorrow and an overwhelming sensation of being stranded like a princess locked in a tower.

"When I am big I pledge to rescue you Claire. I will make it all better." I would say defiantly.

"You make it all better by just by being here my little hero." her words almost inaudible. She would press her hand to my heart and say "You have a heart full of love. Give it freely, never fear it and never regret it. Remember - I will always love." Silent tears would stream down her cheeks and she would offer me a smile tinged with sadness.

To be clear this was not a forbidden love but a love of a sister and a brother trapped together in an intolerable situation. I wish now I had been an older brother instead of 13 years younger, maybe then I could have found a way to get her out from under my fathers thumb.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

The announcement of the arrival of another baby was made just before Christmas.

_I think Katherine waited this long to tell him so she would not be forced to get an abortion. She seemed to finally want to be a mother._

Alexander was dispassionate at best. He had what he wanted and another child would only interfere with his plans. My father had recently acquired a small factory in a prime location. The value was not in the company itself but in the property.

After dinner, as was the custom, Katherine and father went into his study.

"Katherine, the most magnificent deal fell in my lap and all I had to do was promise to keep everyone on the payroll. Well, needless to say that didn't happen. What a fool! Cambias rule #1—deals mean nothing. We play by our own rules." He chuckled and was quite pleased with himself. Taking a deep breath he added "It's good to be a Cambias."

Alexander poured himself a scotch. He sat in his favorite chair and stared into the dark mahogany liquid. "Ah, 30 year old Macallan, It **is** good to be a Cambias." He repeated quietly.

"Demolition began last month now construction is underway on the new chemical plant. In order for a facility of this magnitude to be completed by the deadline many corners must be cut. We need all the inspectors locked away in my back pocket. Two were easy they were greedy little devils and are bought and paid for. The third little pig is a bit more difficult. You my darling were to accomplish this at the next party. Unfortunately, Katherine dear, with your pregnancy there is not much hope of you being desirable to any man."

Anger begin to peak through his words.

"Look at you. You're getting fat already! I need this man to see things my way. The structural inspection has to go off without a hitch. This deal can not fall through. What would you have me do?"

He drained the last of his drink and slammed the glass on the table.

With considerable more control in his voice he began again.

"To be perfectly frank I think its time Claire started pulling her weight around here. After all she is 16 now. What red blooded male wouldn't want that fine piece of ass?"

"Alexander! How do expect me to get her to agree to that?

"You are an imaginative woman. I have the utmost confidence in you."

"She does love Alex. Katherine said guardedly. I think she would do just about anything to protect him."

"I knew I liked the way your mind worked, Katherine." boasted Alexander.

"What is it I would need to protect Alex from Mother?" Claire asked as she walked into the study. "I could hear you down the hall."

Katherine looked uncomfortably at the floor before walking over to pour herself a scotch.

"Not having a good day father?" Claire asked feigning sweetness. "I know! You want me to whore for you like mother does. It's not like I am a virgin after all. Is it? Claire looked defiantly as her mother.

"And you would use Alex to get me to oblige? You are disgusting!"

Claire moved to the sofa in front of the fire and stretched out putting her feet on the armrest. She could see Alexander fighting the urge to push her feet to the floor.

"What the hell, I'll do it. I am my mother's daughter after all. Just one request, um, demand actually. Give Alex back is teddy bear… tonight."

Alexander bristled. "He is too old for that shit!"

"He's not even three yet! How on earth is that too old? He loves that little bear and can't sleep without it!" Claire glared at Alexander.

After pouring another scotch Alexander slumped back into his chair. Teeth clenched he relented. "If I ever see him carrying that thing around the house again it will be burned! You realize I don't have to do this, don't you? I have other ways of making you…" he trailed off, walked over to Claire and pushed her feet to the floor.

Claire pressed herself off the couch and stood toe to toe with Alexander. He placed his fingers under her chin, lifting her head. Swiftly he bent over and forced his tongue into her mouth.

Katherine turned and quietly left the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

Cambias parties were much anticipated affairs. These major social events were given three or four times per year. The guest list was a who's who of entertainment and industry. Even as a young child I was fascinated. The smoky clouds made me dizzy as they wafted up to the landing where I sat unnoticed. Music and laughter filled the cavernous room with electricity that left me tingling from head to toe.

Liquor flowed freely. The waiters were instructed to top off a guests' glass once half empty. No matter what a man's resolve when he walked through the door it was washed away long before the evening was over. Alexander would cajole with his current collection of pawns and patsies. He was a remarkable actor. Everyone believed he had their best interest at heart, until it was too late. Usually it was up to Katherine to do what she did best. It was a sight to see her work the room and the guests. There wasn't a man that didn't adore her even with her growing belly.

The goal of my mother's tryst was always acquisition. Blackmail the result. Desired items ranged from trade secrets, corporate takeovers, or priceless art. In some cases a man's spouse.

"_Forcing a man to turn his wife over to me for an evening of sex and debauchery is the ultimate humiliation. Alex. I so enjoy the look of complete panic in their wife's eyes. There is no purer joy!" Alexander would state in a grandiose tone. "You'll know what it's like to be able to tell people what to do and when to do it. You'll have the kind of power that nobody dares challenge because you can smash them like they're nothing. You will see Alex. You will see."_

_Each time Alexander told me this I would get a knot in the pit of my stomach._

But tonight's prize was the corruption of a man's soul forcing him to sign off on an unsafe building. I have heard it said that a truly noble man can not be compromised. To be honest I am not sure that is true. How could a man walk away from a gift as pure and perfect as Claire?

Mark Dawson strived to be such a man, happily married for 15 years to Martha, his high school sweetheart and devoted father to 3 boys. He coached little league, went to church and was the structural engineer doing the final inspection on the Chemstar plant. The first mistake Mark made was in attending the soirée but it was conveniently rumored Warren Beatty would be in attendance and he was Martha's favorite actor. She must have seen his latest movie, Bonnie & Clyde, a half dozen times. She begged Mark to go and he finally surrendered.

Before things got underway Claire stopped by my room.

"Hey hero" Claire sang as she entered. "What cha up too?"

"Nothing. You gonna play with me tonight? I have cards. We could play GO Fish and War."

"Sorry birthday boy, I'm going to the party tonight but I've got something for you."

"Really? What! What!"

"Open it." There was a lilt to her voice. She was so proud of herself.

The paper was torn away in an instant

"A baseball and glove! Thank you, thank you Claire! Can we play now…. right now??" It was the first gift I remember getting and was one I hoped to cherish forever. The gift didn't matter, it was the gift giver I loved more than anything.

"Not tonight slugger, tomorrow."

"See?" She said softly pointing to the ball "it's signed by – Tom Seaver. The man at the shop said he's the best pitcher around and someday you'll be even better. He also said I shouldn't let you play with it since it's signed and all but what good is a ball you can't play with?"

"I Love it and I love you thank you." I hugged her as tight as I could. I didn't want to ever let her go. Her embrace was tender and full of love. I felt safe tucked away in her arms, invincible. She kissed the top of my head. "Happy Birthday hero, I love you too."

"Stop spoiling the boy. Claire" Alexander barked as he walked past the open door. "You'll turn him soft and besides don't you have something else to do?"

Claire spoke up. "Don't you think you should tell Alex happy birthday or is he too grown up for that you old bastard?"

Father stopped in his tracks and slowly walked into my room.

"Birthdays are an enormous waste of time. Don't bother me with such trivial matters. Claire. Your mother is waiting for you in your room. It's not polite to keep her waiting. You need to get ready. Oh and Claire make sure you listen to everything she tells you. We can't have you fucking this up tonight." And with those parting words he was gone.

Claire winked and wrinkled her nose "I'll sneak you some goodies later. OK? Love you now I need one more hug from the birthday boy."

Alexander was half way down the expansive staircase. "CLAIRE!" He bellowed. "NOW!"

Claire took her time walking down the hallway to her room. The guests were beginning to arrive and the buzz of conversation was winding its way up the stairs. As she opened the door to her room Katherine greeted her.

"There you are. You need to finish getting ready. There are many things…."

"Mother" Claire interrupted her mother in mid sentence. "Do you love him?"

"Love who dear?" Katherine responded lost in her reflection "I swear I am getting bigger by the hour and to think I still have 3 months to go." muttering more to herself than to Clare.

"Alex, mother, do you love Alex? You didn't even remember his birthday today." Claire was losing patience with everyone tonight. "How could two adults forget a child's birthday? The whole idea makes my blood boil."

"Alex? Love? No, dear. How could I? He's not my son. Is he? He belongs to Alexander. He is Alexander's son."

"But how do you turn love off like that mother? How does that work?

"You just don't get it Claire. There is no need to turn off what you never turn it on. That is where your problem lies. You've allowed yourself to love him. You weren't supposed to you know. Alexander only let you see him because he thought it would give him power over you. And he was right, as usual. Look what he has gotten you to do over the years. Your feelings for Alex are only going to hurt you in the end. The boy's life is not his own. Stop caring for him now before it is too late."

"Too late for what? How can loving a little boy ever hurt?" Claire was growing more and more annoyed now. She was actually looking forward to an evening of partying as an adult "Let's get on with this Mother. We need to get downstairs."

"Ah yes, now where is your dress?"

The copper colored velvet dress showed off every curve of Claire's body. There were small cut-outs around the waist and chest allowing for glimpses of her smooth skin. The dress was well above her knee as was the style.

"Oh Claire you look gorgeous! Valentino did a wonderful job. No one would dream you are such a child. Our dear friend Mark is in for a terrible surprise." Katherine let out a disturbing chuckle. "Now remember he is not to know your relation to Alexander or to me under any circumstances and it goes without saying that he cannot know you are only 16, until it is too late of course.

"Mother I think I get the gist of the whole damn thing." Claire's words left her mouth like daggers; sharp and to the point.

"Katherine continued unaffected "Warren has arrived and is "thrilled" to spend copious hours talking to Martha. With all the funding we've given him for his next picture I think he'd fuck the devil himself if we asked. Lucky for him we aren't asking. Of course you won't need long. One look at you and the man will practically come in his pants."

"I get it mother! Now would you please leave?" Claire wasn't sure how to take this sudden attention from Katherine. Though she had to admit it felt nice to have her mother brushing her long hair and helping her get ready. It almost made her feel normal or at least what Claire thought was normal.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

Claire stood at the top of the stair surveying the crowded room. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves as the party was in full swing. She watched as a woman left Alexander's study looking a little less "put together" than she should have. She patted her hair and smoothed her dress as she sauntered over to listen to the piano player. Shortly, Alexander walked out sipping a scotch, a look of satisfaction on his face. He steered toward two women locked in conversation. As he approached they both smiled coquettishly and stopped their tête-à-tête. Most women found him to be extremely attractive. Tall, slender and quite fit with shoulder length brown hair which was always neatly pulled back. There was an undeniable elegance to him. He placed his arms around their waists and gave each a kiss on the cheek. They chatted briefly and as he strolled away, spun gracefully on his heels and gave them a quick bow. The women giggled like school girls and went back to their conversation. Alexander exuded an air of confidence that was quite appealing. He certainly did not fit the image of the stuffed shirt executive.

Her role in tonight's conspiracy had not made Claire the least bit nervous. In fact there was a flicker of excitement stirring. This wouldn't be the first older man she'd screwed. Her craving for love had driven her to many a bed. With the constant parade of celebrities visiting their "humble abode" Claire's list of conquests would be the envy of most women twice her age, in fact several were in attendance tonight. Mark however was a plain and ordinary man, slightly bald with a small paunch, certainly not someone she would seek out for her own pleasure. But she had survived the myriad of times Alexander had slithered into her bed so how could this be worse.

Claire started down the stairs, grabbed a glass of champagne from a serving tray and began mingling with the guests. She made her way past a group of men, which included Alexander and Mark among others. Alexander made very sure that the conversation they were having could be heard by a rather large circle of partygoers. He needed highly regarded witnesses in case any mishap should occur.

"I am very pleased with the progress made. The Chemstar plant should be completed right on schedule." Alexander boasts. "Now as you know safety is my number one concern. If during your inspections you find any issues, I implore you to come to me immediately. In other word, Mark, do your job. Make sure everything is up to code. Remember you can come to me with anything."

"Yes Sir. I appreciate your attention to detail. If I find the slightest flaw I will bring it to your attention directly. Before putting it in my final report I will give you the opportunity to make good." The nervous Mark was almost bowing. "Thank you Sir."

"Very well, now enjoy the party. I do believe your wife is having the time of her life." Alexander gave him a solid pat on the back and sent him on his way.

Mark was left standing alone among the clusters of revelers. Looking around he became intrigued by the art hanging on the walls. He had minored in art during college and had never seen such an impressive collection outside of a museum. The painting of a young women pouring water from an urn looked vaguely familiar and he moved closer to study it. Lost in the delicate brush strokes and the exquisite detail he became transfixed, the noises of the party fell away.

She is quite lovely isn't she? The voice from behind drew him out of his trance.

Mark could feel Claire's breathe on his neck and smell her scent. He turned to see an even more breathtaking site.

Flustered, all he could do was draw a deep breathe as a shiver ran up his back. When composure was restored he replied haltingly. "Yes….yes she is. I don't think I am familiar with this piece. It does remind me of …." He searched his memory frantically trying to remember. "Yes! I know. The Source by Ingres but this is different somehow.

"You have an impressive knowledge for art" Claire paused. "This is the second of the pair known as The Source Eternal. The Source, hangs in the Musee d'Orsay, Paris. Have you ever seen it?

"Regrettably, No but I must admit my passion lies with the more modern pieces." As he spoke it became apparent how much he loved art. An enthusiasm Claire shared. "Major and de Lemicka are two of my favorites. Do you know their work?

"Why as a matter of fact I do. There are several here in the house. Would you like to see them?" Claire found she was starting to like Mark, an unexpected turn of events.

"I would love that. Is it OK to just roam around? I wouldn't want to upset Mr. Cambias."

"It'll be fine. I stay here quite frequently and know my way around. Believe me when I tell you he won't mind in the least."

"Wonderful. My wife….I have to tell my wife where I am going. She'll be concerned if she can't find me." He searched the room to locate Martha.

"And which one would that be?" Claire asked knowing full well who she was.

Pointing Mark said "Over there talking to……"

"Oh, you mean the one with Warren?" A chuckle passed Claire's lips. "My, you're vain if you think you'll be missed. Come. We won't be long." She took his hand, leading him through the crowd and up the stairs.

The room was large and as promised the walls were full of amazing artwork. The heat from the fire and the incredible art were intoxicating by themselves let alone the never ending glass of whiskey he still held in his hand.

"Here let me give you a glass of the good stuff. It far better than the crap they're serving to the masses." Claire stepped close as she poured him some of Alexander's finest.

Mark stared wide eyed around the room pleased with the array of artwork. He finally settled on two pieces by Major, Herodias and her daughter and Shower of Gold. "These are spectacular. I think he is the best American artist of this century. Would you agree?"

"I suppose so," Mused Claire "but what do you think of this one?"

Mark turned quickly to see a completely nude Claire resting on the bed as in Shower of Gold, her dress in a puddle on the floor. He gulped down the remaining liquid in his glass and felt the heat roll down his throat as Claire rose and moved closer.

"Aren't you a little warm? She asked, her lips almost touching his. I know I am. Here let me help you with that tie."

There was little attempt to resist from Mark. His body more willing than his mind but his mind was not far behind. Thoughts swirled through his brain. He had had more to drink than he should have. This woman was so very beautiful. Martha was down stairs. When was the last time he'd had sex? She smelled so wonderful; was it gardenias?

Claire had finished removing his shirt and was working on his belt using it to guide him to the bed. Mark felt as though he were watching this unfold not actually being a part of it. But there he was touching her breasts first with fingers then mouth. They were both naked now their bodies moist with sweat. His heart was pounding. He could almost hear it. Every inch of his body felt alive. He felt alive. This was nothing like the mechanical sex with Martha. Groans of pleasure came from deep within him and then…..it was over. Feeling quite pleased with himself he clung to Claire never wanting to let her go until the reality of what just happened washed over him. At that very moment the door burst open and there was Katherine snapping away frantically with her camera.

"My Daughter, you perverted pig! How dare you! I'll ruin you. She's only 16!

Mark jumped up trying to cover himself as best he could. He backed away from the bed slowly. His shoulders limp, among other things. His eyes glazed over and lost all signs of life. How was it that just moments ago he felt invincible and now… When he reached the wall he slid to the floor, a single tear running down his cheek, never taking is eyes off Claire.

Katherine laughed as she left, satisfied with the pictures and the impending results. Claire sat naked on the bed looking at Mark. She was confused by how she felt, part of her ached for the demoralized man on the floor but another part felt …good? How could this be? She'd just destroyed a man's life, a good man's life. How could that possibly feel good? Silently she slipped into her dress, picked up her shoes and walked out of the room.

4


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

Claire's head was reeling and her hands shaking. What had she allowed to happen? Right now all she wanted was to be alone so went straight to her room and locked the door. Standing in the darkness she felt her chest heave and a wave of tears poured down her cheeks.

"Let's toast to a job done well."

Snapping in the light she was stunned to find Alexander with a glass of champagne in his outstretched hand.

"Congratulations Claire. You made your first unholy alliance. It's going to be easier from now on."

Claire grabbed the glass. She wanted to drink it, she wanted something stronger actually, but the revulsion felt for this man in front of her forced her to send the bubbly liquid directly into his face.

"Now, now what a terrible waste of perfectly good champagne, and to think I am only here to congratulate you." He raised the bottle and began to pour. "No matter, there is more where that came from."

"EASIER FROM NOW ON! Claire spat back "What on earth makes you think I would ever do something like that again."

"Because, my dear Claire, you liked it. You felt it. You know how good it feels to control someone's destiny." Alexander's voice was slow and calm. "You think you can't, but that feeling is like a drug. It will grab hold deep inside you and you **will **crave it, like sex. Trust me." He was standing close to her now drops of champagne still clinging to his lapels. He grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled her head back looking into her eyes. "Besides I know your weakness. Hmmm?"

He pulled her hair harder and it was starting to hurt.

"GET OUT" Claire shouted. "NOW"

"If you wish but I was so hoping for a repeat performance, an encore if you will."

Claire spoke through gritted teeth. "Get out now or you won't be performing for a week!"

"Very well." Alexander released her hair. He placed is mouth to her ear and whispered "I own you Claire. Don't do anything foolish. You will regret every poor decision you make."

As he left the room Claire threw her champagne glass. It shattered against the closing door.

She had been a fool to do Alexander's dirty work. But he was right about one thing, that feeling, that feeling of power to have control over someone else's life was stimulating. She so often felt powerless over her own life. To control someone's life, anyone's life was quite refreshing.

What was she thinking? The last thing she wanted was to be like them. Human life had no value. Money and power, power and money that was all consuming. The thought of being so cold and cruel turned Claire's stomach. She ran to her bathroom and was sick.

After cleaning up she slipped into her white satin nightgown and wanted nothing more than my grounding effect. She walked to my room and watched as I slept still wearing the glove, the ball resting at his side. Claire climbed next to me, wrapped her arms around my small frame and fell asleep weeping.

The bright sun of the next morning brought a major headache and some clarity to Claire's mind. It was well past breakfast and Alex would have been called downstairs long ago. As she stirred she became aware of how empty her stomach was. Walking into her room she discovered a tray waiting for her. This was highly unusual but appreciated. After nibbling on the cranberry orange scone and fresh berries it became obvious she needed a plan, a plan to keep from turning into a heartless fiend like her mother and Alexander. The best way would be to leave the Cambias compound and make a life for her self elsewhere. Would Alexander allow her escape? In his own freakish way he loved her. His love was demonstrated by the need to control and own those he held dear. Of course she did not return his love. She wasn't even sure she loved her mother. But she did love Alex. How could she leave that sweet little boy behind? That would be the hardest part.

Claire decided it best to wait until the new baby arrived. There would be enough going on with new staff and visitors, Alex would be occupied, and maybe wouldn't miss her quite so much. With a due date of May 19 that gave her 3 months to make plans. Katherine was getting bigger by the day and Alexander was more demanding of Claire for sexual release. The time had come for a change.

May 25, 1969 our family was blessed with the birth of twins. Michael and Marilyn were born 15 minutes apart to a very drained and stunned Katherine. Alexander left for Brazil to coordinate the expansion of a steel mill just before her due date and was in no hurry to return home. He was not a lover of children and two small babies were more than he could stomach. His letter to Katherine was clear and to the point.

"Now you have your son and I have mine. Raise him as you will. I have no claim on this boy's soul." No mention was made of his new daughter.

Katherine was pleased with her two new babies. She loved spending time with them but was completely unprepared for two. A pair of nannies was added to the staff. These were permanent positions, the first since I was an infant. Both women were sweet and kind. They gave copious amounts of attention to their charges but exhibited affection towards me as well. These months without Father were good times. We were all very happy, I thought, until the morning I woke and Claire was gone.

The news of Claire's disappearance hastened Alexander's return. He was back by nightfall, in his study, making a myriad of phone calls. I may have been young but this frantic behavior so uncharacteristic of my father left a lasting impression. Thus began the ritual that was to continue for several years. Claire would vanish Alexander would sic his people on her and she would be dragged back home. It was during this time I learned how impossible it was to escape my destiny.

The last time Claire left home I was sure she had made her final escape. It was months before she was found. When she finally was returned home she had been brutally raped and seriously beaten. As a result of the rape her three month pregnancy ended in miscarriage. As if not violated enough Alexander made sure she would never become pregnant again, even though the rape most likely accomplished this. The cruel joke was, Claire had given birth to a son in November of 1969. This child was immediately adopted by a family in the Midwest, the father remained unknown; both Mark and my father were possible donors. It would be many, many years before even I knew of this twist of fate but that is a story for another time.

The Claire that came home was not the Claire that left. She was no longer complete. There were few visible scars but the unseen ones overwhelmed her. Day to day living was robotic. The spark of bravery in her eyes had been extinguished with insuperable pain. Even her voice had become flat, dull and listless. I feared for her, the ache within her soul so obvious, all I wanted was to make the pain go away. At night I would go to her room and hold her as tightly as I could. There were no more stories, no more laughter just unbelievable emptiness.

It's tough to be separated from somebody you love by physical distance but it is even more difficult to be separated by emotional distance. After a while, you almost forget what it felt like, what you shared and that is the most tragic part of it all. You can't own love or control love but that is what Alexander tried to do. In the end there was nothing left except sorrow.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 

Claire remained detached for months. I tried to get her to open up but failed. Oh how I missed her laugh. Everyday I would seek her out to offer a hug or her favorite flower, a gardenia. She would always deeply draw in the intoxicating aroma then reach down to me as I knelt before her, touching my cheek and feebly ask "How's my hero today?"

"I am not your hero anymore. Why can't I make you happy?"

"You constantly make me happy I just have a hard time showing it is all. Don't ever think for one second you are not my hero because you will be always. Always remember how much I love you, more then than scent of these gardenias."

Lyn (this is what we called Marilyn) was especially drawn to Claire. I had never seen a more loving soul than this little girl. She nurtured everything. Even insects had to be spared. Climbing into Claire's lap with a book or a doll was a daily occurrence. Claire would be polite but nothing more.

"I don't want to play today, maybe tomorrow."

Lyn never gave up. Day after day she tried and day after day got the same answer. This little girl certainly had the Cambias persistence though thankfully that seemed to be the only trait.

This emotional separation from Claire opened the door for a wonderful relationship with Michael and Lyn. Claire was always tugging on a corner of my heart but I was a six year old boy after all and play was very important. The twins were now three and I enjoyed being a big brother. The grounds afforded us many areas to play and there was no end to our imaginations. We were royalty or pirates, astronauts or warriors, explorers or aliens. We would also play hide and seek in the gardens, tag on the expansive front lawn or we would build obstacle courses full of things to climb over or scramble under. Poor Michael, Lyn always managed to beat him. It was something that ate at him even when young. He did not like being shown up by a girl especially his sister. There were times when she would have liked us to have a tea party of play dolls but neither Michael nor I would be caught dead doing such things. I tried to interest Claire in these activities but she had no desire. To my amazement Katherine would from time to time but then lately Katherine was full of surprises. It was like these two had penetrated her heart somehow which for whatever reason Claire and I could never do.

I remember the first time I felt my heart harden with hatred for my father. It was about six months after Claire's return. Michael, Lyn and I were playing hide and seek. Tucked behind a bush not far from the front gate I heard an ungodly commotion. A car came crashing through the gate. A man hopped out as two of our security team ran to apprehend him.

"Claire! Claire! I demand to see Claire!" he continued shouting as he moved closer to the house.

He wasn't difficult to capture due to an obvious limp. Once under control the guard radioed the house and soon Alexander sauntered down the drive.

"I demand to see Claire, Mr. Cambias. Now!"

"And what could possibly give you the audacity to demand anything? She wants nothing to do with you. Not after what you did to her."

"I love her sir. She's carrying my baby. And I demand to see her….talk to her." There was a momentary pause as Alexander's words began to slice through his rage. "What do you mean…after what I did to her?" His words slowed, uncertain of where my father was headed with this.

A smile crept across Alexander's face.

"You raped her and beat her and left her for dead. Lucky thing I came around when I did. The only good thing to come out of this mess is that bastard spawn you called a baby is dead. You have some nerve coming here expecting Claire to run into your arms. It's ludicrous. Now get out of here before I call the police or I could have my men here finish the job they started that night. I'm sure they wouldn't mind breaking your other leg."

The young man swallowed hard. His voice had become difficult to hear. His face lost all its color. "Poor Claire, is she going to be ok? We were looking forward to starting a family. Did you just say I raped her? That is impossible; I loved her and she me. I could never rape her. It was you, you disgusting asshole! You did that to her!" His voice became more and more agitated with each word. "You had your men do this to me" he rubbed his bum leg "and you forced yourself on her. I would have done anything to protect Claire and you… you destroyed her."

Alexander, as usual, remained calm.

"It appears you have your facts wrong. I must admit we roughed you up pretty good and you did have a concussion I believe. It was you doing the raping and there are witnesses. Just say you prayers that we don't press charges and have you carted away. You don't seriously think you can beat me…Do you?"

"But… but… I love her. Please let me see her. Please." His face was wet with tears and his voice almost inaudible. "Please…I love her."

"She, my dear boy, was never yours to love. She belongs to me and I never gave you or anyone else permission to love her. How dare you assume I would let a poor excuse for a man, like you, anywhere near my step daughter. Now get off my property or you will be dragged off. Good day."

With those words Alexander turned to go back into the house but first gestured to the guards and they moved in."

Defeated the boy went to his car and drove off.

Before leaving my hiding place I looked to the house to make sure all was clear. Claire was in the second story window watching everything. I could see her cheeks glistening from the tears.

Despite the occasional tragedy I have to admit these were happy times by Cambias standards. After the episode with Claire's "friend" Alexander took to jetting from Rio to Paris to Geneva and anywhere else that struck his fancy. The house was peaceful with him gone. He was not missed. I did miss the warmth Claire and I had shared but the twin's nannies, Ingrid and Vera, tried their best to include me whenever possible. Katherine always made it a point to put Michael and Lyn to bed. Giggles and screams of delight could be heard as they played silly games and read books. This was certainly not something she had ever done for me, but it permitted Vera and Ingrid free time and they usually would spend it reading or playing cards with me. The most affection I ever garnered from Katherine was putting her hands on my shoulders and kissing the air by my cheek. I no longer sought her love and affection. Alexander's love had tainted me. I was unworthy.

Eventually he settled back into life at home and things went back to normal. Toys were never allowed in the main part of the house only upstairs in our rooms so I took to always carrying a deck of cards. Alexander was not bothered by me riffling the deck and doing the occasional trick. I think he was both amused and impressed with my talent. I actually became so good he would show me off during some of his card games. By the time I was eight I was allowed to play a few hands. The other players were less than pleased to be playing with a kid but they knew better than to question Alexander Cambias Sr. I used his money. It was all his money after all and he made sure we were aware of that fact. I also had the good sense to quite while I was ahead. He did not take kindly to my losing any of his money. I could bluff with the best of them which made Father immensely proud. As any kid, I longed to make my father proud. A young man should also look up to his father and emulate him. For years I tried to find the good in him, something to admire, but it remained elusive.

During this time I watched Claire watching me. She wanted to reach out but had erected too many walls. I saw one way in and decided to give it a try. Once in a while I was allowed to keep my poker winnings and had saved a fair amount of cash. On one of her outings I asked Vera to buy oil paint, acrylic paint and watercolors, every kind of brush available and with the money left over canvases. We set everything up in an extra room and led Claire to the door. The look on her face when she laid eyes on her studio was more than I had hoped for. The light in her eyes had returned and I was the happiest I had ever been. It took a while but she finally began to paint and would loose herself in her art. She painted a wide variety of pieces from modern to landscapes to portraits. She had an incredible eye for light and shadow filling her work with deep meaning and raw emotion.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 

Claire's walls began to crumble as she poured herself into her art. Her talents were amazing. She took some of her pieces to local galleries and the response was encouraging. As she ventured back into the world more and more Alexander became concerned. She wasn't going to slip away again. Todd Doogle was brought in under the pretense of body guard but in reality was a mole. Alexander wanted to know where Claire was and with whom at all times. As far as Alexander was concerned she still belonged to him. Possession was everything and meant control, power and authority - these things nourished his dark soul.

I was thrilled to see the Claire I had always loved return, strong and resilient. To overcome such extreme abuse and still find beauty in the world was admirable. She had so much to offer. Her artistic spirit began to radiate with every sale. Her natural talents must have come from her father because no one else in our family possessed a lick of it, I was capable of some rudimentary architectural sketches but was unable to capture any of the passion Claire possessed. I always knew she would find her inner greatness. Part of her growing success could be credited to Claire's ability to absorb emotion like a sponge then transform it into art on canvas.

Michael and Lyn each had unique gifts to offer the world as well. I would have preferred any one of their talents; they, at least, offered something to the world. It may surprise or shock you to know Michael was an accomplished pianist. Delicate fingers on ivory seem like such a stark contrast to what he became. His innate talent emerged early in life and Katherine made sure this gift was not squandered. Lyn's contributions were far more ethereal. Every gesture Lyn made was from love and it broke her heart each time it was not accepted with the purity offered. I speak from experience when I say… It's tragic when a gesture made from the heart is so profoundly misunderstood. Love given with such intensity takes immense fortitude which Lyn possessed in spades. She also harbored a deeply spiritual side, which stunned me. There was no religion discussed or exhibited in the Cambias household. None of our staff were allowed to display any symbols of faith. The only thing a Cambias was to have faith in was the all mighty dollar and the power that ensued.

By contrast to the others I offered nothing to the world but was defined by Alexander's expectations. He saw me as calculating and conniving, just like him, a description I loathed, but for many years I had myself convinced of their legitimacy. Destined to build wealth, bred to hurt and destroy and ordained to grow the Cambias Empire; my life was not mine to lead. I was to chase _his_ dreams and pursue _his_ passions. Where was the satisfaction in that? Where was the sense of accomplishment? How was I to sleep nights knowing my bank account grew at the expense of other unsuspecting souls?

I had dreams, dreams of being a ball player or a pilot, dreams of seeing the world my own way not through the fanatical eyes of an evil man. But in my house, dreams were delusional; a threat to the master plan, and any journey towards self-discovery was just a wasted trip. You eat, breathe, and sleep Cambias. That was my father's obsession and therefore, by default, mine.

There was never any doubt who Alexander's favorite was. He made no attempts at subterfuge. It was drummed into my head from birth and it didn't take Michael or Lyn long to grasp the reality. Lyn was indifferent. Superficial things did very little to impress her. She was too concerned with the inner workings of a person's soul to care about irrelevant things like favoritism. She looked beyond the surface, inside was what mattered, motives what counted. Young children are trusting and loving by nature but Lyn took it a step further. At the age of six she had the remarkable ability to love and find the goodness in people. I think however, Alexander presented an exception to her rule. There always is one - an exception that is. Warm laughter, a loving touch, attentive listening these were the things that mattered to Lyn. She was constantly defending the underdog. I lost count of the number of times she tried to champion Michael to our father or their classmates. This always seemed to make matters worse and angered Alexander in the process. He found it intolerable that a man or boy, in this case, would allow a girl to act as his shield.

Michael's reaction to my position was quite different. Jealousy colored his actions on occasion but true to form he immediately regretted anything he said or did to me out of that resentment. Deep down all he wanted out of life was our father's acknowledgment but all he got was disparaging comments and comparisons to me.

"Why can't you think on your feet like your brother? You are a sniveling sissy. Where is your backbone letting your _sister _fight your battles? Alex would never allow such a thing." These words, shot repeatedly from Alexander's mouth, wounded Michael.

As a lad Michael stuttered and was constantly being picked on for it. Many a day he would come home from school in tears, clothes tattered from being pushed. His impetuous nature would get the better of him and out would fly the first awkward swing followed immediately by his ass kissing the dust or face in the dirt. Lyn would always step in, never a proponent of violence, and start reciting the golden rule. As expected this did not reflect well on Michael. It annoyed Alexander and he was always quick to point out my solid left hook and reasoned approach to dealing with a situation. Michael's attempts to explain himself were always met by a raised hand telling him to stop.

"I have n…n…no p…p…patience for your baby talk! Grow up and the sooner the better." Was the standard Alexander retort.

How Michael ever outgrew his stammer I will never understand.

I recall a day when the twins were six. We had been in the garden playing hide and seek when Lyn found a small bird out of its nest. They begged to care for it and release it when it could fly. We found a box and with the help of the gardener were able to nurture the tiny creature. Michael and Lyn took great pride in helping that bird grow. It was on their minds and in their hearts constantly. The first thing they thought of every morning and the last thing they thought of each night. We had not been taught by example about acts of kindness with no expectation of reward. We felt like heroes. After several weeks of care the bird was ready to enter the world. Father had just returned from an extended business trip and the twins were so proud of their success they rushed to show him.

"Now would you please explain to me what you did here?" He asked carefully lifting the tiny creature from its box.

"W--we f-f-found it and it c-c-c-couldn't fly." Stammered Michael "We helped it." Lyn said beaming. 

Michael just grinned from ear to ear, eager as always to please, swollen with pride at their accomplishment.

"I see no reason for doing this. The bird was weak. We are Cambias. Providing assistance is not what we do. We take advantage of the weak!" He boomed.

And with that he snapped the bird's neck.

Michael burst into tears and ran to father and tried to kick him in the shins. While holding the dead bird in one hand he grabbed Michael and twisted his arm just enough to cause Michael to loose his balance and tumble to the ground.

Lyn stood her ground and stared at him in complete disbelief.   
"You killed one of god's creatures. You are evil and you will go to hell! She preached. Tears filled her eyes but were quickly wiped away.

"Evil is just a point of view my dear." responded Alexander with a chuckle.

By now Michael had righted himself and ran toward the stables.

I stood glaring at father. Hate filled my heart. I cannot say I was surprised by his actions but until then I held out hope I would be wrong.

"Here, get rid of it." He said with disdain as he passed me the dead bird.

"Don't waste your time on such trivial matters in the future. You are Cambias."

Lyn and I found Michael by the stables and together we buried the tiny body. Lyn laid stones over the grave and prayed. Michael cried for hours. The rest of the afternoon was spent trying to comfort them the best I could. Alexander's actions were difficult to explain.

The only thing I was sure of from that very moment was I never wanted to be like my father.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 

Music wafted through the air at yet another grand party, this time neither Katherine nor Claire were attempting to bed a conquest. Tonight was strictly for celebration or should I say commemoration. It was Alexander's 45th birthday which in any other family would not be an odd reason for a party but our family took great pleasure in ignoring birthdays. The bizarre motivation for this party was, I guess…..endurance. Alexander was now the longest surviving Cambias male in countless generations. His father, grandfather, uncles and great uncles and on and on had all died at young ages. The previous endurance record holder was my grandfather, Maxwell. He died just 3 days shy of today's milestone. The reason for their demise was as varied as their lives. Few were peaceful.

The evening's festivities surpassed all other parties. Champagne fountains flowed with the best money could buy. Wines from our cellar were dusted off and served liberally. The good scotch was generously poured into the Baccarat. Dinner under the stars was a sumptuous spread, among the dishes served were: Russian gold caviar, fresh pâté de foie gras, lobster in cream sauce with chopped truffles; oysters broiled in the shell with butter sauce, ortolans en brochette (small bitesized birds raised on nothing but berries) glazed charlotte with strawberries; and aged cognac. The nine wines included a 1929 Romanee-Conti, a 1928 Chateau Latour, and an1835 Madeira. I had never seen Alexander more jovial.

Chase Mathews, head of security, approached Alexander inconspicuously and whispered in his ear. I must admit to never liking Chase. He was a fixer, took care of every need and solved every problem. To him my father walked on water. Alexander's mood quickly darkened. The celebration continued but Alexander… he was no longer a part of it. Immediately both men headed for the study; damage control.

The news covered the front page of the morning newspaper.

**EXPLOSION AT CHEMSTAR**

**8 DEAD – 43 INJURED INCLUDING 7 FIRE FIGHTERS**

_Fire broke out last night at the Chemstar plant. Fire alarms sounded at 11:35 PM. The explosion and ensuing fire resulted in 8 known dead and one missing. In addition more than 40 other people were injured in varying degrees. Information at the time of this report indicates there was a failure in either a line or valve which carried ethylene gas. Local fire departments called in backup when the blaze spread to adjoining buildings. It is not yet known if a mechanical failure took place or if human error was a factor. Regardless, a failure of a high pressure line carrying these types of flammable products can create a large, enveloping, explosive cloud within seconds. _

Everyone was looking for answers. Everyone wanted to know who to blame.

Cambias Industries offered full cooperation to investigators. Every document was turned over. The final conclusion: Upon inspection it was discovered all valves within the plant were made to improper specifications out of substandard materials. To the untrained eye everything looked in order but to any licensed inspector the defect was glaring.

The paper trail was flawless. All valves were manufactured by FC Valve a company on the verge of bankruptcy. There was documentation showing funds transferred from FC Valves to an account belonging to Mark Dawson, who had had signed off on all valve inspections. Investigators wanting to question Dawson had been unable to locate him.

Alexander agreed to a press conference after the findings were made public. The entire family was paraded out in front of the press at the Chemstar Plant. The charade complete, I was planted directly in front of father so he could place his hands on my shoulders. It was my first public display.

"I am profoundly saddened by recent events. Sincere sympathies go out to the families of the 9 dead men and the many injured." Alexander let his voice crack "As has been established, Cambias industries, is also a victim in this travesty. At this time I wish to thank all the investigators who worked so hard to get to the bottom of this disaster. Cambias Industries will work equally as hard to get Chemstar up and running as soon as possible. We want to get you people back to work." He paused, tousled my hair and reached to place his arm around Katherine. "Family is important." He continued "Losing a loved one is difficult; we at Cambias Industries will do everything possible to make your loss easier. – Thank You"

Every word empty from an empty heart.

We returned from the press conference in separate cars. Katherine and the twins had gone for ice cream. She loved to take them places and had a particular weakness for the stuff. Personally I wanted a rocky road cone in the worst way but Alexander was uncharacteristically talkative and unfortunately I was to be his ear. Claire returned with us, her head full of images of the destruction, putting pencil to paper she was frantically roughing out her sketches, anxious to start the next work of art.

The limo turned onto the short stretch of road before our gate. Standing in the road was a man, rather disheveled. The car slowed as the driver pressed the horn. The penetrating sound had no effect; he just stood there waving his arms. Alexander opened his door and placing one foot outside the car as he rose to greet this sorry looking fellow.

"Good day Mr. Dawson. How may we help you?" Alexander asked dryly.

The name seemed to pique Claire's interest. She looked up from her sketch and her face twisted with dismay. She immediately hopped out of the car. I followed unnoticed.

"You did this to me! You ruined my life, both of you! The man was ranting and waving his arms.

"My dear Mr. Dawson, whatever _you_ have done it is YOU who have done it. To blame anyone else for your actions is foolhardy and quite delusional."

In response Mr. Dawson spoke quietly:

"I balanced all, brought all to mind,  
The years to come seemed waste of breath,  
A waste of breath the years behind  
In balance with this life, this death."

And with his last word he pulled a gun from his jacket pocket, pressed it to his temple and fired.

Claire screamed and tried to reach out to him but even I, at ten, could tell there was no point. Alexander pushed her into back into the car. I just stood there watching as the pool of blood grew larger and larger, unable to move. I felt a hard tug on my arm as I was pulled into the car. We started moving even before the door was shut. The large black car drove around the body and up the drive. I couldn't look away my eyes were drawn to the scene. I continued watching as Chase, Tom Doogle and the rest of our security team huddled around the corpse. One ran to the guard shack for the phone. The drive curved and there was nothing left to see.

Silence filled the car. I was dazed, Claire looked ready to cry but there were no tears just anguish in her eyes, Alexander was looking rather pleased with himself. When the car stopped he bounded from the vehicle and sprinted up the stairs. When he reached the top he turned and shouted "Come along Alex. We have some celebrating to do."

"Claire, are you all right? Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No Hero, I'll be fine." She brushed her hair from her face and climbed out of the limo.

"You knew him didn't you?

"It doesn't matter. Nothing much matters. What we saw was horrible." As she spoke Claire just looked straight ahead, not at anything in particular, just straight ahead. Her voice was flat and slow.

"Can I come with you and watch you paint? You are going to paint – right?"

She paused and turned to look at me. Her hand touched my cheek. "I hope seeing that never becomes commonplace to you." She bent to kiss my forehead. "Don't let him do that to you. I love you."

"Alex, now!" Alexander bellowed.

"You better get up there. You can come to my studio later."

We walked up the stairs together and went our separate ways.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 

As I entered the study Alexander stood over his desk drink in hand. He was positively beaming. It seemed rather odd considering what we'd just witnessed. After polishing off his scotch he walked to the bar and poured another, neat. Grabbing a second glass he filled it with ice, added some of the red-brown liquid and topped it off with water.

"Here you go lad. Drink up"

I looked at the glass and then him, puzzled. "You want me to drink with you?"

"It'll take the edge off, son. You certainly don't see things like that every day."

I took the glass, sniffed its contents and made a face.

Confused, I asked "You do know I'm ten, right?"

"Of course! Just drink it. It won't kill you. Good scotch is your birthright. It allows for true discrimination, connoisseurship, lavish spending, and unbridled snobbery, in other words all things Cambias. You're **going **to learn to like it; might as well start now."

I must admit here; the bastard was right, I did learn to _love _it actually, but my first sips of the earthy beverage with its strong smoky flavors were less than pleasurable. After choking down the initial swallows, warmth traveled down my throat and penetrated every muscle, relaxation took over and I began to melt into the leather chair. My racing mind calmed.

'It is a happy day, my boy, and the event in our driveway, just icing on the cake, the final piece of a very complicated puzzle. I must admit even I did not anticipate things turning out quite so well. The loose ends don't usually take care of themselves." He was puffed with pride, delighted with the day's events.

"How can you….. Where is the pleasure in seeing a man's brains splattered across our driveway?"

"I know you're young but you are completely missing the point. Mark Dawson died seven years ago when he traded his soul for a few moments of decadence. Mind you there are few who can offer a man as much pleasure as Claire. I guarantee you he felt it was worth it; at the time." As he spoke his voice trailed off, lost in his memories. With a shudder he was back to the here and now. "It's not like I put a gun to his head…" he chuckled. "Now that's funny… gun to his head." Rolling laughter filled the room as he refilled his glass.

"How can you place that small a value on a life? And what about the 9 who died in the explosion don't you care about them or their families?

"Ah yes, pity actually, that was not intended; an unfortunate side effect…Collateral damage." He sat pondering for a moment then with a scoff added "A scholarship fund…that should put a favorable spin on things. Shit the insurance check will be generous enough to allow for just such a gesture. And imagine the positive press that will generate. Magnificent! This just keeps getting better."

Alexander rose, crossed the room and gazed out the window. The emergency lights were barely visible and aside from the initial sirens we could hear nothing. Quietness fell over the room as his voice softened.

"I knew the valves were defective, but they fit right into the budget and if I had waited for replacements we would have been behind schedule. The refund we received to accept the defective valves went directly from FC Valve to Mark Dawson's private account; an account he never knew existed. Actually was a brilliant plan." He poured another scotch and sat on the corner of his desk. Shaking his head he went on "FC Valve had the nerve to play hardball; dragging their feet in an attempt to block acquisition. They actually believed they could crawl out of bankruptcy and push the price higher. Fools! His weight shifted as his voice gained power. "By increasing the flow I knew the valve's weakness would become evident but I must admit the magnitude did catch me off guard. Such a shame that now they are worth next to nothing." Alexander's voice was oozing sarcasm. "Now, I'll scoop them up for pennies on the dollar!" Self satisfaction filled each word there was no shame or remorse. "Everything went as planned, some things a little better, right down to FC's bank transfer to Dawson just 2 weeks before the final inspection."

The realization of what my father was capable of hit me. With a hard swallow I asked "You mean you planned this whole thing….from the beginning?"

"Well it was always a possibility. Advanced planning is vital to every business decision. Once we committed to use the valves I needed to make sure it could only end on a favorable note for Cambias…… should anything go wrong.

My head ached; the tension retuned to my body as I looked at this horrible excuse for a man. How could he commit such callas acts? His lust for money was never a secret but now I understood to what lengths he would go. My fingers dug into the arms of my chair as I tried not to let my emotions get the best of me. I slowly rose and walked up to him. Speaking in a low controlled voice my words crisp and to the point "I hate you. How can you be so blasé about people's lives? Blood and death mean nothing? I hate you!"

Alexander let out a robust laugh. "I can't tell you the number of times I said that about my father. First I hated him for what he did, much like you, and then I hated him for what he wouldn't do. My boy you are exactly like me."

This was the last thing I wanted to hear. I turned to leave placing my hand on the knob. "I am nothing like you and never will be. You are evil!"

"I didn't dismiss you yet!"

Just then a clamor could be heard from the foyer. Katherine raced in with Michael and Lyn. "Alexander! Alexander! Is everyone alright? What is all that commission at the front gate?" She cried.

Michael loved the ruckus and jabbered on excitedly. "I saw p-p-police cars and fire t-t-trucks! What did I miss? C-c-can I go out and have a better look?"

Lyn was quiet and concerned the complete opposite of Michael. "Did someone get hurt? Will they be ok? Can I help?'

Katherine calmed herself and spoke quietly to the children "No you stay right hear. Everything is under control. There is nothing for you out there. Turning toward Ingrid and Vera she spoke. "Please take the children upstairs; they are covered in ice cream. I'll be along shortly." She opened the study door just as I was about to.

'I am leaving now! 'I asked through clenched teeth.

"By all means Alex run along just remember evil is just a point of view dear boy…a point of view."

Hatred for my father swelled within me. My imagination was cluttered with fleeting pictures of me killing him in a hundred different ways. I saw his head shattered by a bullet and wished – no - prayed it had been his body lying out there on the pavement. I saw my hands around it throat depriving him of his last breath. I saw myself pushing him down the stairs and watching him tumble down, coming to rest bloodied and broken in the foyer. Racing up the stairs I realized I need the tranquility of Claire and her studio.

I banged on the locked door. "Claire it's me I need to come in, please"

"Of course Alex, I am coming." She opened the door, paint splattered over her face, I burst into laughter.

She immediately reached out and pulled me into the room and offered a loving squeeze.

Stepping back she brushed her hair from her eyes adding a new steak of color across her forehead. She chuckled "I must look ridiculous; so glad I could offer some comic relief. Now, tell me, are you OK? You look upset. What did he do?" With a sniff she added "Have you been drinking?"

"Thanks. I feel safe here. Wow, you painted a lot since we came home. How many…three new pieces?"

"I get it, trying to change the subject. That's ok…for now but I do want you to talk to me it helps you know. Yup, three pieces in little more than an hour and some of my best work; if I do say so myself. Claire was radiant as she showed off her newest creations. "It always surprises me how art lets me find myself and loose myself all at the same time."

"Your paintings are remarkable. I especially love the colors in this one. It almost looks like its moving. I wish I was artistic."

"Ahhh but you are artistic. As van Gogh said 'there is nothing more artistic than to love people' and you my dear Alex love more than anyone I know."

"I think Lyn might have me beat there because I certainly don't **love** _him._ I don't think it's possible to love him, a man so cold and calculating. He is actually happy with what happened…happy! Dead bodies and blood mean nothing to him. How could he think I was just like him? I would rather die than be like him."

"Now Alex, don't let him do that to you. He is not worth it. Don't let him be Mordred to your Arthur. There can be no winner."

"I don't care if I win; I just want to survive. What are the chances I can stop Alexander from swallowing me whole?

"You can do it, Hero. I have faith in your strength of character. Now why don't you sit right here and let me sketch you. You look wiped out." Claire guided me to a cozy chair by the window. "Just curl you legs up and put your head right there. Perfect! Now keep still while I work."

In an instant I was asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 

When I woke the sun was nearly set and long shadows blanketed the room. Looking around I was struck by the magnitude of Claire's work. Her modern pieces were mesmeric. The viewer was drawn in; pain, happiness, despair, hope flooded the senses. What at first glance appeared simple was upon further study convoluted and multifaceted. I remember reading somewhere 'painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt' but I cannot agree. Claire's work went beyond mere sensation. It transformed the soul.

Finally my eyes settled on the portrait she had just completed as I slept. I had felt so grown, so mature but in her painting I was just a child, small and vulnerable. The detail startling, she captured the sunlight as it washed over me and a single tear resting on my cheek. The colors of the quilt she wrapped round me were vibrant and warm in sharp contrast to the muted moss green of the chair. Just looking at it made me feel safe and loved; rare feelings indeed. The painting later hung in Katherine's room, much to my surprise, but Katherine was doing more and more to surprise me lately. Years later my desire to locate it was for naught. I would have loved to own this painting, even now, but to my dismay I watched it be destroyed by Katherine, in a drunken rage. Fortunately though, I have been able to acquire several others over the years, my last acquisition and dearest to my heart was a self portrait that had vanished from my memory like dirty snow piles in spring; gently melting away until one day you finally notice they've been gone for weeks transformed into piles of sand blown away by the wind. It was the gardenia murders in Pine Valley that brought on my epiphany; the ribbon, the flowers, exactly as in the portrait.

My reverie was broken by shouting coming from Claire's room. Acting on my first impulse I ran next door. The locked door did not give way to my small frame "Claire! Claire! Are you OK?" The voices quieted and whispers ensued.

"I'm alright Alex." Claire's soothing voice drifted through the door.

As she spoke the door slowly opened. Standing there in the doorway Claire held her silk robe tightly around her willowy frame. The deep amethyst hue paired beautifully with her grey/green eyes; eyes reddened from tears, black smudges running down her cheeks. Attempting to push past her "What did he do to you? Did he hurt you? Let me in!"

I caught a glimpse of my father, naked, rising from her bed. "This has nothing to do with you Alex; unless of course you would like to watch."

"You disgusting pig, get away from her!"

"Shhh! Settle down, Alex!" Claire pressed her finger to my mouth and whispered. "You'll make things worse." Looking back to Alexander she raised her finger to say wait as we slipped into the hall. He nodded with a slick smile and spread out his hands to show off his still erect penis. Claire closed the door.

My rant continued, only quieter now. "What are you doing? How could you? He is the devil himself."

"Hey…Hero… Relax." she whispered. "Shut up and listen to me. I know what I'm doing…had the best teacher. Believe me when I say this will benefit us both." She put her forefinger under my chin lifting my eyes to hers. "I love you Alex and want nothing more than to see you safe. I would do anything, even sleep with the devil, if I thought for one minute I could get you away from this nightmare. Trust in me. Can you do that?"

I nodded. There were no words. My sweet, sweet sister had reached for my hand and touched my heart. She wanted me safe; now I wished the same for her.

With a wink her posture stiffened and she took on a look of strength. Her voice grew stronger, wanting Alexander to hear. "Everything is just fine Alex. We are both adults, you do not need to protect me. Now run down to the kitchen you must be starving. I'm sure Gretchen will fix you a snack." With a quick hug she walked into her room; a pleasing smile on her face.

I stood stunned, staring at the closed door. I was in awe of Claire's courage and devotion. How could she think for one second, that it was possible to out maneuver the master? What on earth was she trying to do?

Starvation got my attention, as my stomach began to rumble. I started downstairs to the kitchen just as Katherine was coming up.

"Alex! Where on earth have you been all day? Michael's been looking for you. He got some new Hotwheel cars thing that he was dying to show you. He was very excited, something about a new Gold Sizzle? Darn near drove me mad. I don't know about those things. I finally just got him to bed."

"Sizzlers!? I used to love those cars. They haven't been around for a while. Neat! I'll make sure he shows me tomorrow."

"That won't take much convincing. By the way have you seen your father he seems to be missing too? I thought maybe you boys were together."

"No Katherine, I have no idea where he could be. Maybe he went for a swim. After what happened today….that usually relaxes him. All I know is if my stomach growls any louder Michael will be waking up crying thunder." It was not my job to tell Katherine where _Dad_ was. Claire had made it perfectly clear that she had things under control.

"Well then since it's just us two what do you say I make you a sandwich? Gretchen is probably in the middle of her third dream by now. It's been a while but I used to know my way around a kitchen. I cooked a lot for Claire's dad." She put her arm over my shoulder with a little squeeze and we set off for the Kitchen.

I was not sure how to take this attention. It certainly was unfamiliar.

Katherine emerged triumphantly from the pantry waving a can in the air. "I found a can of Tuna. Is that OK?"

"Sure, I think I could eat my socks. Hopefully your tuna will taste better."

Bread, assorted vegetables and mayonnaise where pulled from various bins, cupboards and drawers.

"Now where do you think we'll find a can opener?" Together we opened every drawer and finally found it on a hook in the pantry.

With knife in hand, chopping and slicing, Katherine paused and looked at me inquisitively. "How do you feel about finally starting school?

"You're kidding right? I can't think of any thing I've wanted more. No more private tutors, I'll actually get out of this house...make friends…play sports."

Katherine added kindheartedly "Be a kid…"

"What do you think made him change his mind? Is this one of his cruel jokes? When it comes down to the wire will he say….. 'It was all in the name of character building'?"

An aggrieved look passed over Katherine's face "Frankly I don't know what brought on this sudden change of heart. And Alex, I certainly hope he doesn't change his mind; but in all honesty, it wouldn't surprise me." She paused, lost in thought for a moment then asked "Now, do you want your bread, toasted?"

Within minutes Katherine handed me a sandwich and tall glass of ginger ale. "Here you go. Hope it tastes better than your socks."

We sat together while I ate. "It's good, thank you. I sure was hungry."

As we left the kitchen Katherine commented "I hope Gretchen doesn't get too upset by this mess. I don't clean up. Never did."

On our way upstairs she spoke without looking at me. "You are a fine boy Alex. There isn't a woman in the world that wouldn't be proud to call you son. Good night" And with that she walked on pausing briefly in front of Claire's door before continuing.

Lying in bed I was struck by the odd turns of the day; thoughts running around in my brain; jumping from person to person, event to event. My contempt for Alexander was reinforced, nothing unusual there. Claire had intrigued me with her comments. Had she been the one to convince father I would be better off in school? And then there was Katherine…was I dreaming or did she just prepare food…for me? Alexander's pure evil, Claire's confidence, Katherine's kindness and the blood, so much blood. School starts in just two weeks. And just when I thought I would never fall asleep, I did


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 

Saying good bye was harder than expected. There were so many things about "home" that I hated but there were three things I loved incredibly; Claire, Michael and Lyn. Without these three steadfast companions my life would have been unimaginable. They provided me with some normality to an insane life and made me feel loved and needed. Being normal…..so many people despise being normal, typical, or ordinary. I for one craved it. To live in a normal house not a mansion, to have a typical family with hugs and dinner table conversation, to have an ordinary father not one of the wealthiest men in the world were my fantasies. Today I even had an unexpected pang in my heart for Katherine; it was she who gave me my three greatest gifts ...Michael and Lyn and Claire.

Fighting back the first tear I approached Michael. There was absolutely no way any of them would see me cry.

"Michael, I need you to keep an eye on the girls while I'm gone. Promise me you won't let anything happen to them."

"I p- p-p-promise Alex. You can c-c-count on me." Then with one of his trademark grins he asked "Do you th-th-think I should keep an eye on your b-b-ball and glove too? I don't mind r-r-really I don't."

"Sure. That's a great plan. Now give me a hug little brother."

With a quick squeeze I moved toward Lyn. She may have been small for her age but she grabbed me with the force of a lumberjack and held on with all her strength. "I'm going to miss you Alex. Please don't go." She pleaded with tears filling her eyes.

"Lyn, you'll see me on weekends; it's not like I'm leaving forever."

I know I know but I'll miss you. No one else will carry the bugs outside, only you do that. Everyone else thinks I'm being silly and just squishes them. They're God's creatures too. Just 'cause we don't like em doesn't mean…..I placed my finger to her lips and in a muted voice calmed her "Shhh, Lyn. Enough. It's time you took care of them on your own. But if you are really uncomfortable Michael will help you. Turning toward my little brother "Won't you Michael?"

"If you s-s-say so Alex. I'll t-t-try not to be scared."

"Thanks Michael. See Lyn…. Nothing to worry about."

As I moved in to hug Lyn again I whispered "Now you watch yourself. I know how you always swoop in to defend Michael."

Loudly Lyn boasted "You don't need to worry about me Mr. **I** can take care of myself **and** Michael. No doubt about it. "

"Oh, I don't doubt it…not for a second but Michael needs to stand up for himself just like you need to set your own bugs free. Got that squirt?" With a nod Lyn wiped away a stray tear and stood tall with her hands on her hips.

My final embrace was for Claire…my anchor. All I could think to say was "I'll miss you" and inside I kept saying no bawling, no bawling, no bawling.

"Hey Hero you'll do just fine." Claire lowered her voice to the point wear I could barely hear it. "A friend of mine is an art teacher there, Alex. If you don't have her, find her."

I pulled back slightly and must have had a startled look.

"Don't look so shocked. I do have friends you know." Claire chuckled "I met her at the gallery."

"And does you friend have a name?" My voice was a little louder than she would have liked. Claire gave me look that said be quiet in no uncertain terms.

"This is our secret Alex. If Alexander had the slightest suspicion that I knew someone on the inside he would have never allowed you to go to this school or he would get her fired on the spot."

"It's time Alex! Alexander interrupted. Wendell! Gather up his belongings. This sickening display has gone on long enough."

One final hug to Claire and she whispered "Amy. Amy Peterson"

"Enough!" roared Alexander. "I'm wasting time just going with you. Don't squander anymore with these ridiculous good byes."

With a shove I was pushed toward the car. The one person I wanted to be as far away from as possible was sitting next to me for the next hour and a half.

"Now, Alex, your first priority is your grades. As long as they are acceptable you may play some sports. No team sports. No baseball, basketball, soccer or lacrosse; you get the picture. We are Cambias. We are never part of a team. Only those sports that have individual recognition, swimming or track and field will be allowed, your choice."

Alexander continued his harangue. I tuned him out as best I could. My thoughts went to the changes I was about to experience. Up until now my world had been small. Visitors were rare. There were no relatives that I was aware of outside the immediate family. There were no neighborhood children to play with and certainly no Cambias company picnics. I do recall once; Pablo the gardener brought his four tots to work. It was shortly after the bird incident. I was transfixed by the affection they shared with him. The fact that a man could actually demonstrate such love for his children was a foreign concept. The seven of us kids had the most enjoyable day, playing. Laughter flowed so freely it bounced off the usually silent stone walls of the manor. Michael, Lyn and I talked of that day for months. We never did see those children again. In fact we were lucky to see Pablo. It was an exceedingly rare occasion when Alexander did not get his way. If it had been up to him, Pablo would have been fired on the spot. Katherine stepped in and demanded that he stay since he was the only gardener able to keep aphids off the roses and to Katherine that was extremely important.

I did have tutors. They were curmudgeons, every one, only one light-hearted soul in the bunch. Each was brilliant in their specific fields but none were versed in the ways of children. The only one with which I came close to developing any rapport with was Miss Clancy, a 78 year old spinster whose subject was manners. Her classes consisted of table etiquette, party protocol, and the art of conversation; far more enjoyable tasks than math drills and copying pages from the dictionary. Tea was her favorite lesson. As we sat and sipped she would often tell tales of her youth. Years later when I met Myrtle I was struck by some of their similarities especially when Miss Clancy would say with a pat on the hand and a twinkle in her eyes 'politeness is half good manners and half good lying'.

As we approached Wilkinson Academy for Boys my anticipation grew. For almost two hundred years it provided boys from wealthy families with 'building blocks for the future'. When we finally arrived I couldn't get out of the car fast enough. Alexander grabbed my arm; the marks from his fingers were evident for days. "Don't disappoint me."

Wendell, the chauffer, pulled my bag from the trunk placed it on the sidewalk and was back in the car driving away before I even had a chance to move around the car. Fortunately my bags were light. We were not allowed to bring televisions or radios; only weekend clothes and toiletries. The required uniforms were provided. There were no phones in the rooms and this was before cell phones. All student contact was through the dean's office. It felt odd that my father, who had been so controlling all my life, would just drive off leaving me completely alone. All these years I had been under a microscope. Studied and watched constantly; it didn't occur to me that I just had more watchers now.

After locating my dorm room I tossed my bag on the bed and rushed off to orientation which was scheduled in the auditorium promptly at 9:00 am. The clamor of 500 boys was music to my ears. Never had I been exposed to so many kids. Sitting in the back I was able to observe many of them and by the time we had splintered into grades and then classes I had a pretty good idea of who were the leaders and the followers, who were the risk takers and who played it safe. I have always taken great pride in my observation skills; they have served me well over the years and any resulting gut feelings were usually dead on.

School was immediately busy. I barely had time to miss anyone. At first I went home every weekend but after a few months Alexander stopped sending the car for me. He did not want me home if he was traveling. I was getting too old to spend so much time being coddled by all the Cambias women. The campus was a virtual ghost town on weekends, but I quickly acclimated myself to being alone. I don't know why so many people are afraid of themselves; I kind of like it. I learned quickly to pick the lock at the library and spent the majority of my time reading.

As luck would have it I did have Miss Peterson for art. She was a zealous teacher and seemed to find some talent in each of us; even me. It was difficult for me to imagine a friendship between these two. Amy's enthusiasm knew no bounds where as Claire was extremely subdued. Amy often had messages for me from Claire. She was the first to tell me that Claire had managed to get Alexander's _permission_ to move into her own apartment in the city. I was sure she must have paid a hefty price but I can only imagine Claire felt it worth while. Amy also told me of the romance that had developed between Claire and Todd Doogle, her security guard. For the first time in her life Claire was actually happy.

Claire's happiness was evident when I went home for Christmas break. I only saw her for a short time but she was radiant. We had very little time to speak in private so when it arose she was direct and to the point.

"Alex, listen to me carefully. In a few months Amy will ask you to leave school with her……Do it. Ask no questions."

"Where will we go?"

"Its better you don't know. Just know you will be safe."

Just then Alexander approached us "Are we keeping secrets?"

"No secrets here, Sir. Just telling Claire what an asshole you are."

"I don't care if people hate my guts; I assume most people do. The important question is whether they are in a position to do anything about it. And fortunately my dear boy neither of you are. Now enough with the chit chat." He put his arm around my shoulder and added "I have eaten entirely too much today. Let's say we go for a swim."

He then guided me to the newly enclosed pool. I excelled at swimming and thoroughly enjoyed beating him every chance I got. As I swam past him for the forth time he grabbed my hair and pulled me under. He let me up just long enough to gasp a small amount of air and forced me back under again. This time when he let me up I was coughing and sputtering for air.

"Wh-what are you doing? Have you gone mad?"

"Mad? Me? No son, just making sure you don't get ahead of yourself. Got a little cocky there while talking to Claire. Watch yourself or I'll make sure you never see her again. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, Sir" and with that I climbed from the pool anxious for my life back at school.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12 

Back at school I couldn't get Claire's comments out of my head. Each time I had Amy Peterson's class I expected some gesture - some clue as to when and how all this would go down. Was it today? Next week? It was becoming difficult to concentrate on my school work….waiting for that proverbial other shoe. Well it dropped on Friday March 11, 1977. After class Amy stopped me as I walked out the door with my classmates.

"Alex, come here please. We need to discuss your latest project."

I nodded to my friend, Eric "I'll catch up with him later."

"Yes Miss Peterson?" I knew this was **it** but I didn't have a clue what **it** was.

Once Amy was sure the other students had left she spoke in a hushed tone "Alex, meet me at the far edge of the teachers parking lot at 4:15. Don't tell anyone and don't pack any of your belongings. Do you understand?"

"Yes Ma'am, I understand" was my tentative response.

"Continue with the rest of your day as usual; wish everyone a good weekend and tell them you'll see them Monday. Now run along before anyone gets suspicious."

I turned to leave, my hand on the doorknob "Alex, one more thing….Don't worry Claire knows what she's doing."

"Does she Amy? I'm not so sure."

What remained of the day moved excruciatingly slow. Each time I looked at the clock it I could have sworn the second hand hadn't moved. Finally the school day ended and everyone ran back to their rooms to gather their belongings for the weekend home. I had time to kill so I settled in the library's large window overlooking the campus. There were the chauffer driven limos; a scenario to which I was accustom, but there also were parents pulling up to get their sons, mothers and fathers together. With a hug and a loving arm placed around their shoulders they were guided to their cars. Granted, there were many boys that recoiled at this blatant show of affection, nevertheless I felt a pang of jealousy.

As the parade of vehicles dwindled it was time for me to meet Amy. I meandered through the near empty library and darted across campus to the far edge of the parking lot where I waited; hidden by some trees.

Amy pulled to the curb in her beat up orange Volkswagen Beetle.

"Like how you're being inconspicuous." I chortled as I hopped in.

"Duck down we can't have anyone seeing us together." Amy said hastily. "They know my car if I were to drive something different now _that_ would be noticeable."

The odor of paint and brush cleaner filled the little orange car. My nose twitched at the smell, a familiar scent but overpowering in this confined space. The tiny back seat was filled with canvases, rags and brushes. Splashes of paint dappled the upholstery and even the windows.

"Settle in and get comfortable I'm afraid this is going to take a while."

"School will know I'm gone soon. The first weekend head count is at 5:30."

"I know" Amy bit her short nails and paused before asking "How long before dear old dad finds out do you think? Boy, the shit will hit the fan when he gets that call. What do you think he'll do first? Call the cops? Tell the family?"

"No, he'll call Chase in; get his men looking for me. There will be no cops; no press; word of this cannot will not get out. It would show the world he's vulnerable."

Amy glanced at me with a bewildered look on her small round face still chewing on her on her nails "No cops?" She let out an obvious sigh of relief. "I was sure there would be cops."

"I'm not so sure that is cause for relief, Amy. Chase and his men do not follow any code of ethics they abide by no rules."

"Yeah but Todd knows what's going on with them. We'll always have some idea of their game plan. With him on our side everything will turn out alright Alex, I'm sure of that." She leaned back in her seat, clearly more relaxed, and turned on the radio. The music invaded the cramped space. Amy began to sing and move to the music "_revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night Blinded by the light_ on sing along."

Hesitating I mumbled "I-I don't know this song. I'm not allowed to listen to the radio."

"Whoa, that's just sad. Amy countered in a stunned tone "That's gotta change!"

For a while we traveled sans conversation. The beat of the music made the tiny car vibrate. Amy bopped around to each song. I must confess to being a tad uncomfortable having never been in a car quite so small. My mode of transportation was always big; Limos, Lincolns, or Mercedes.

Amy's spirits remained up-beat as she drove. Her croon became more and more animated as we continued our journey. This was in stark contrast to my sinking spirits. The enormity of the situation had just smacked me hard; in the gut. If this plan worked, would I never see Michael or Lyn again? I'm not sure that's what I wanted. And how would they react to my disappearance? My stomach twisted itself into knots as I imagined Lyn fretting about me. She could make herself sick when she worried about something as insignificant as a spider; what effect would this have?

Darkness descended over the city as we finally approached. Amy wove through the streets with confidence, knowing exactly where we were headed. With each turn the streets became more and more desolate, upon reaching our destination there was no one around.

"Here we are at last, home sweet home" Amy's tone was upbeat but as I looked around apprehension filled me. The car gave a final shudder as it was turned off.

"But…what is this place? It looks like a warehouse." I started to think maybe I had made a terrible mistake. Maybe this wasn't Claire's plan after all, maybe I was being kidnapped and stupid me, I had followed along blindly.

"Ah, right on schedule" came a voice from the darkness. Todd walked up looking at his watch.

"Doogle! Don't scare me like that again. Quickly changing gears she added "Is it ready?"

"Sure is. Let's go. Hey kid...how you holding up?"

"OK I guess. Where is Claire? Is she here? I was struggling not to show my unease.

"Not yet, maybe a little later though. I have a feeling the big A will be getting a disturbing phone call before long. You'll feel better once we get inside…relax. What ya think, we're gonna hold you hostage?"

Todd wasn't one of Chase's top operatives for nothing. He could read people like a book. He placed a strong arm over my shoulder and with a squeeze guided me toward the large open door. Once inside he securely locked the doors and we went up in the freight elevator. When the elevator stopped Todd yanked the heavy door open revealing a cavernous space that could have only belonged to Claire; all my fears dissolved in an instant. The room smelled of Claire; an intoxicating mixture of paint and patchouli. It appeared to be her studio. Easels were scattered about the room each offering her work in varying degrees of completion. To one side was a kitchen area with a large round table and beyond that a sitting area, overstuffed sofas were arranged for conversation and the walls were lined with shelf upon shelf of books. Amy plunked herself down on a sofa with a loud sigh..

"I don't know about you but I'm wiped out. Think I'll take a little siesta." In moments her breathing slowed and the faint rumble of a snore could be heard.

"Hey let me show you around. Don't want you gettin' lost." Standing in the center of the room Todd waved his arms pointing out the obvious then added "Up there is the loft; two bedrooms and the bathroom. I think Claire wanted to show you your room though so I guess that will have to wait. Bet you're hungry. I'm not much of a cook but I can slap together a mean PB & J. Would you like one?" Todd asked expectedly.

"No thank you. Not really hungry. Where did you say Claire was again?"

"With _Daddy_ at her other apartment; the one he knows about. Whenever he's in the city she's his, if that's what he feels like. It's the only way she got to move out. He really is an asshole you know."

"You don't have to tell me. So, he really doesn't know about this place? How did you guys manage that?"

"Well it's been in the works for a while; last summer when that guy offed himself in your driveway we started looking for the perfect spot. Claire had a trust fund from her paternal grandparents, pretty big too. They wanted to keep it as far away from Alexander and Katherine as possible so they used a private detective to find Claire…alone, no easy task…but they succeeded. It had been sitting in an account for over a year, just waiting until we found this place. The IAAM Corp AKA Claire…bought it with cash."

"What's IAAM Corp?"

"Beats me, just some initials Claire made up. It cannot be traced back to her no matter how hard the Big A looks. And since no one knows we got a thing goin' on; it's my job to tell Alexander where she goes and when."

Startled by the rumble of the freight elevator as it descended, I looked to Todd; a look of uneasiness visible on my face.

"Don't worry kid it's just Claire." A wide grin spread across his face.

Todd met Claire as she walked off the elevator. "Hey baby!" Todd hugged her as she peered over his shoulder, giving me a nod and a wink.

"Alex! You made it. I've missed you so much." Claire's hug was immediately comforting. She melted into me and I could feel her slight frame rock with deep sobs. Behind the stream of tears, a smile "I promised myself I wouldn't cry but look at me…"

Grabbing a kitchen towel she wiped her face her breath catching a she tried to speak. "Le-let me sh-show you your ro-oom." As we climbed the spiral staircase to the loft she began to gain some composure. 'We have been working on it all week; in fact Todd just finished up this afternoon.

My first thought upon seeing the room was… a boy's room. My room at home had been like any other. There were no indication of a child my age lived there, but this room was perfect with baseball banners and posters, airplanes suspended from the ceiling and best of all not one antique.

"So what do you think?" Claire asked excitedly.

"I think it's amazing. Thank you." I turned to offer her a hug. Todd was standing beside her with his arm around her waist; the picture perfect family. She took one look at me and the waterworks started again.

5


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 

_True contentment depends not on what we have; a tub was large enough for Diogenes, a world was too little for Alexander – Charles Caleb Colton_

Contentment is the greatest treasure. That treasure was bestowed upon me by Claire with the help of Todd and Amy. Considerable sacrifices were made; and for what. Me? Why did I deserve this? Why did Claire find it necessary to spirit me away; to rescue me, body and soul, from my oppressive father? The others had clearer motives; Amy…Paris, Todd…Claire. But Claire, I could not see what she gained here. All I saw was potential for loss. I just didn't understand.

Whatever her rationale I was exponentially grateful. My heart ached from fullness; there was laughter and kindness and love; sweet, sweet love. Contentment in its most pure form is rare but at that moment it possessed me; for contentment is too ethereal to be possessed. Few moments in my life have been drenched with such joy. My love for Kendall, our moments of passion, oh the things we did……and our wedding day were of a similar magnitude, but I am getting ahead of myself. It is interesting when looking back; blissful moments seem to tumble over one another creating a collage of euphoria where as each occurrence of heartbreak stands isolated its sharp knifelike edges waiting to pierce into your happiness with deft precision.

As predicted, Alexander had not told anyone, publicly, of my disappearance. There were no stories in the papers, no microscope turned toward the search for the missing Cambias heir. As far as the world was concerned I was still at school. In fact he did not even tell Claire. This facade was easy to maintain with everyone at home especially the twins. I had not been home since the winter break so no bells and whistles went off when they didn't see me. Knowing they were completely oblivious made my new situation much easier. Sure I missed them, but I had missed them while at Wilkinson too and at least now I was no longer cut off from everyone.

Each member of the 'team' had a very specific part to play. Amy had a significant role in the ruse; not only did she actually steal me away from campus but it was her responsibility to convince Alexander I had been kidnapped. A note left at school detailed the million dollar ransom and Sunday evening drop-off location and time. There was never any attempt to actually retrieve the ransom as that would have proved foolhardy considering with whom we were dealing. Amy was already out of the country by the time Todd was called in from the field to assist with the drop. A dozen of Chase's men watched vigilantly.

Todd filled us in after the failed drop.

"The old man's eyes darkened and he began screaming for Mathews. I've never seen him loose control like he did. He grabbed Chase's arm and got right up in his face, got real quiet, not sure what was said but Mathews looked scared when Cambias sent him flying over the hood of the limo. Better him than me. Never would have guessed he was that strong! To bad he doesn't have a weak ticker. I would have enjoyed watching him drop dead on the spot. Now that would have been poetic justice."

As planned, suspicions focused on Amy once she did not return to Wilkinson Monday morning. I could only imagine the stories that flowed from the mouths of those adolescent lads; a tinge of jealousy perhaps? Her tiny frame, large doe eyes and the fact that she never wore a bra were the fodder for many of their imaginations. How my father managed to keep this out of the papers is testament to just how much power he wielded.

The orange beetle was discovered at LaGuardia Airport one week after my disappearance. She had flown to Sweden as Amy then, as Lizette, she winged her way to France. Todd's expertise in all things covert proved invaluable. He arranged for a new identity complete with personal history. Outfitted with her new passport and all necessary papers she was able to fulfill a life-long dream, studying couture in Paris. Amy, or should I say Lizette, craved fashion and thanks to Claire would now be able to study and spend time as an apprentice for the likes of Guy Laroche or Givenchy.

What can I say about Todd? Without his assistance this little plot would have decayed with lighting speed. His ability to play both sides kept us aware of Alexander's game plan, allowed us to remain safe. We were well aware of the fact that the search would not stop. Todd's subterfuge allowed us to hide in plain site. Claire continued to go to the gallery and meet Alexander at her other apartment whenever he demanded. Since Todd's duties were not required during their trysts he stayed with me affording Claire peace of mind. Knowledge and brawn were not the only things he brought to the table. His kindness and love offered to both Claire and me made us feel like a real family, a normal family, and that was valuable indeed.

Claire was different away from Alexander. With him she fought to define herself and to not be bullied into silence but alas she remained, eternally, his victim. Separated she was clear, confident, well defined and amazingly funny. We were always laughing. We loved to play games but her frustration was evident when playing cards with me.

"How do you win every time? It's just not fair. Oh well, unlucky at cards lucky at love. Right Todd?" She would say with a broad smile and a pat of his hand.

Much of this inner strength came from Todd. Claire thrived wrapped in his love and affection. There was only one other person who had been as devoted to Claire…her father, Howard. Todd's love was evident with each absentminded brush of her hair, every glance stolen across a room and in the tone of his voice just saying her name. I had never realized love could be so pure so unbounded until I witnessed this pair. Before I bore witness to this committed couple demands, conditions and relentless expectations defined love. None of these existed with Todd and Claire. They trusted each other, felt safe, it is impossible for me to explain exactly how foreign this concept was to me. Seeing them, together, granted me hope…the dream of the soul awake. My heart lifted –

The first few weeks of my disappearance Alexander was too preoccupied to have interest in Claire but by the third week he was ready and waiting. Knowing where she was made my skin crawl but it helped being able to spend time with Todd. I grew to like and admire him. There have been damn few men I can say that about. He had a code and remained true to self. A confidence was kept. A commitment held dear. If there was any one in this world I tried to emulate it was Todd.

Life began to settle into a comfortable rhythm. Several times a week Claire went out. She tried not to let me know where she was going but I knew. On an unseasonably warm April evening Todd and I went for a bike ride in the park. We'd stopped in the long evening shadow of the obelisk.

"Looking at something this old puts things into perspective." Reaching to touch it Todd continued. "Our lives are so short and what we do means so little. Did you know I's more than 3,000 years old? Some say it was stolen out of Egypt by William Vanderbilt; another mogul trying to demonstrate his power, no doubt. But where is that power now? Eventually it was diluted, toppled…just like.." Todd drifted off lost in thought.

"Why does she still go to him after all he's done, Todd? Why? Doesn't it bother you?"

With a guttural chuckle Todd looked at me.

"It does. But it's what she needs to do right now. Don't worry things won't stay this way forever."

"And you know this how?

"We have no intention of keeping you hidden for all time. Claire's father, Howard, had many influential friends, very powerful in their own right. We are working with them to build a case to get you away from the bastard."

"Yeah, like that's gonna happen. You've met my father….ALEXANDER Cambias."

"We just have to locate a few people and BAM! He won't know what hit him."

"What…what have you got on him? Tell me."

"I've said too much already. Anything more must come from Claire. Now I don't know about you but I'm starved. Pizza?"


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 

Sunday mornings were my favorite. The three of us would lounge around the studio sipping tea and eating bagels. Newspapers scattered across the floor we'd take turns reading aloud something we found funny, sad or completely unbelievable. Claire would attempt the crossword puzzle though I must admit to never seeing her complete one. Once the paper had been sufficiently consumed we would make plans for the week. This week we would go to the Natural History Museum and catch the Wednesday matinee of Godspell at the Ambassador Theater. These covered Claire's need for culture. Other activities this week included horseback riding in the park and the day I was most excited about…next Sunday a baseball game! I had never been to a game and the week could not go by fast enough. Todd got tickets for us to see Mets vs. Cubs with Tom Seaver on the mound. Could life be any better? Well actually it could. Not only was I to see a game but I was going to get a chance to take a few swings at Tom's pitches. Todd knew a guy who knew a guy…you get the idea.

The week dragged on and on. Even though we did things I thoroughly enjoyed my eye and heart were on Sunday.

I woke first putting the water on for tea and getting the paper. I was too excited to eat.

"Come on guys wake up, wake up!"

"Hey Slugger we have four hours before we need to leave. Cool your jets." Todd shouted from the loft.

"It's ok, Todd. I don't think I've ever seen him this excited before. He's usually quite subdued – you know. I kind of like this side to him." Claire snuck up behind him and gently kissed is neck. "Thank you for making this happen"

Todd turned to hug Claire, enveloping her in his arms. He lifted her and carried her back into their room.

"Just a little longer, Slugger" were his parting words as he shut the door with his foot.

Knowing there was time to kill I hopped on my bike for a spin. I had been here over a month and it was the first time I'd been out alone. The anticipation of the ball game had exhilarated me. The cool morning air pressed against my face adding to the spark inside. My mind raced along with the bike; bouncing from one thought to the next. The faster I pedaled the faster my mind clicked. The excitement for the game turned to my pleasure in seeing Claire happy. Thoughts of Claire turned to hatred for my father. From Alexander I switched to Michael and Lyn yearning for them to share in my new life; a life I wished would last forever. Next to Todd's words 'don't worry things won't stay this way forever.' That's right! That was weeks ago what did they have on Alexander? I needed to ask Claire. That's what he said; anything more had to come from Claire.

Heading back I began to rehearse my questions and imagine the answers.

As I turned down the deserted street Claire and Todd were waiting outside.

"Do you have any idea how long you've been gone?" Claire's voice, filled with panic cracked and she was hugging me before I could bring the bike to a complete stop.

"Don't ever go off by yourself like that again. Someone could have seen you…taken you. Do you understand?"

"But, I'm OK. No one saw me. I'm OK."

"Never again; do you hear me? Never again! Not until all this is settled then we'll move away and you can ride bikes, make friends, go to school anything kids your age do but until then; NO."

"He's got the message Claire. Leave him be." Todd had his arms around both of us.

Claire's eyes were puffy and red. Tears stained her cheeks. With a slight tilt of her head she looked into my eyes; her index finger pressed gently to my cheek "I was so scared, so very scared."

"It's alright. He's safe. Now let's get going Slugger or you won't have time to hit or should I say swing at any of Mr. Seaver's pitches."

All was quickly forgotten as we ran to catch the #7 train to Shea Stadium. Upon arrival Claire went to find our seats and Todd and I were escorted to the field and introduced to the players during warm-up. Left fielder Boisclair gave me a bat and I tried several times to hit one of Tom's pitches. After repeated swings and misses he finally lobbed a slow one over the plate and whack, I hit it!

"Great job kid!" Tom smiled as he mussed my hair.

"Thank You, Sir. This is the best day of my whole life!"

"Well kid I hope you have lots more _best_ days." He signed the ball and handed it to me.

"Now don't be losin' this ya here."

"No Sir. What about the bat?"

"Keep that too. Practice, practice, practice and maybe I'll see you play one day. Just remember its all about control. Stay in control and everything else will take care of itself."

"Yes Sir. Thank you Sir"

As we walked off the field I couldn't feel me feet touch the ground. I wished this day would never end. The whole game proved to be as spectacular as I had hoped. The Mets won 6 to 0. Seaver let up only one hit.

"Claire, Todd, thanks for today."

"You're welcome Hero. I'm glad you had fun." Claire's arm wrapped around me and she kissed my cheek whispering "I love you".

The darkening sky still carried hues of purple and orange as we climbed the subway stairs. Customary procedure was for Todd to call in each evening. He found a payphone and checked in with Chase.

"I have to go. Something about a lead they need me to verify. Will you guys be alright on your own?"

"Of course we will. You be safe, Todd." Claire gave a half hearted smile. "Don't worry about is we'll be just fine."

"You take good care of her Slugger. This shouldn't take long." Giving Claire a quick embrace; he was gone.

"So what do you think; something to eat?" I said with a grin.

"With all you ate? How could you possibly be…oh alright there's a deli around the corner."

"Hey, I'm a growing boy of course I'm hungry."

The deli was busy but we found a table near the back. The buzz of conversation filled the cramped space. We ordered quickly and with lightning speed it was served.

"Claire, tell me what's going on, please. How on earth are you going to keep me away from him? Can it really be done?"

"Of course it can be done everyone falls eventually. Why can't we be the ones to bring the bastard down? Our chances are as good as anyone's."

She sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than me. Taking a bite of my turkey club I considered my next question.

"Todd said you needed to locate some people. Who are they and what will they do?"

Claire glanced at me a moment then turned away; stirring her chocolate egg cream with her straw. A heavy sigh drifted across her lips, her shoulders slumped. Drawing in a strong breath she strengthened and looked directly into my eyes.

"Alex, the people we are trying to find were there the day you were born; these are people who can prove to the courts that you are my son."

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	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15 

A grin spread across my face and I began to laugh.

"What Alex? What's so funny?" Claire was completely perplexed by my reaction. Watching me, she struggled to control herself. Losing the battle to hide her smile; her lips tightened and the corners of her mouth turned up before a full belly laugh burst forth.

"And I thought this day couldn't get any better, _Mom_." Laughter filled my words.

Abruptly my laughter ceased; the perverse nature of what must have taken place clawed its way into my consciousness. "My God Claire, I'm so sorry...what he did to you. You weren't much older than I am now! Please forgive me."

"Forgive you? She gently placed her hands atop mine "You've done nothing to require forgiveness."

"What about Katherine, why didn't she stop him?"

"Ah but there's the rub; we were a package deal. Katherine knew from the start I was to be the one to bring the Cambias heir into this world. Alexander may have hated my father but at the same time held him in high regard. He was a brilliant man and Alexander wanted that trait in his son. Unfortunately my father had two weaknesses which got the better of him; he was scrupulously honest and in his heart believed others were too."

Claire idly fiddled with her straw, lost for a moment in memories. Her voice grew faint as tears filled her eyes. "I was ten when I found him….hanging. No child should have to bear witness to unnatural death." She looked at me as the large tears traveled silently down her face.

There were no words I could say to take away her pain. Reaching across the table I wiped her moistened cheeks. I don't know how long we sat there gripped by the bonds of silence. The sounds of our surroundings began to break through. "I love you Claire."

"You mean you don't hate me. Alex?' Claire's tears continued to fall "I've deceived you all these years…..pretended to be someone I'm not. I've lost count of all the times I tried to run away and leave you with that asshole." She wiped her red eyes with a napkin trying unsuccessfully to stop the salty flow.

"Hate….you? How could I hate you? I love you. You did what you had too; you weren't running from me but him and God knows anyone in their right mind would run from him. You couldn't stand up to him, no one could. He would have found a way to bring you down; still will if you're not careful." My heart ached for Claire and I searched for a way to ease the pain she was feeling. "Besides who's been more of a mother to me than you? Katherine? Not likely. The slightest crack of a smile began to appear. "What do ya think; should I start callin' her Gramms now?"

"Yeah, that should go over well." The smile reappeared on Claire's face mixing with the tears glistening in her eyes. "There you go again being my hero; always knowing exactly what to say. Thank you, Alex."

"So Mom, hmm, I like the sound of that, who _are we_ trying to find?"

"Well there are a several people actually. I would like to find three, I'll settle for two if necessary but so for we have just one sure thing."

Her demeanor changed as she filled me in on her quest. She strengthened with each word her eyes too on a look of bravery.

"This whole thing started when we located the mid-wife last year in Paris. She was more than willing to appear in court and gave us a solid lead on where to find your first nanny. Amy has been in contact with her daughter and we are awaiting her return from the South of France. The family she's working for is due back next week. The last person we hope to find is the chauffer. Unfortunately our last known address for him is three years old, our chances don't look good so I'm afraid we'll have to start without him."

With a glance at the clock Claire jumped up in surprise. "My God I had no idea how late it was! Grab your stuff from the game. We better get back before Todd or he'll be worried sick." Throwing cash on the table we hurried out the door.

Exiting to the street the crisp evening air sent a shiver down my spine. Clutching my bat and ball in one hand I gave Claire an enormous hug. She tenderly returned my embrace before we started our short walk home. My mind began to wrap around how my world had changed in just a few moments.

"Claire, it seems to me you're all taking a huge risk? If Alexander gets wind of your plan I shudder to think what he'd do. Why not just leave me there? I could take care of myself. You could have just told me and things could have stayed the same. Why put other people you love at risk?"

Claire stopped in her tracks turned, looked directly into my eyes and placed her hands on my shoulders. "He would have beaten you down, broken you. I couldn't watch that. Alex, sometimes you just have to act. It feels right; it defines who you are and this is one of those times. Todd and Amy feel the same way…..you saved me when you set up that studio…..my art. It was the sweetest most amazing thing anyone had ever done for me and I will be eternally grateful. I was defeated; dying inside a little each day. I was ready to finish the job when you pulled me back from the edge. Alex I owe you my life and I want to offer you yours."

We started walking again "All I knew was you were sad. The Claire I knew was gone. I had to try something, anything to get you back."

"See there ya go. Just do what feels right, Hero, and look how good things turn out. Promise me that is how you will live your life."

"I promise Claire." Stifling a yawn "I promise."

We turned down our street and unlocked the heavy warehouse door. In the elevator I began to run through my new relations. "I don't think I want Michael to know that he's not just my little brother but also my uncle. He'll be thinking he can boss me around. Ugh!"

"Sorry but it looks like he's going to find out. I think you'll be able handle. Besides, I'm afraid you won't see much of him after all this comes out."

Pulling open the elevator door we were pleasantly surprised to see all the lights on and a fresh bouquet of gardenias, wrapped delicately in white ribbon, resting on the table. "Todd we're home! When did you get back?" When we heard no response Claire shouted louder. "Todd we're home."

"Well; good for you." A familiar voice traveled down from the loft.

Looking up we both saw him at the same moment…..Alexander! My grip tightened around my ball and bat; my heart raced.

"Well, well if it isn't my missing son. Aren't you glad to see me." It was more of a statement than a question, his voice calm and controlled. Walking slowly down the stairs he asked "What, no hug for your old man?" At the final step his attention turned toward Claire. "And you…what were you thinking? Or _were_ you thinking at all?"

Claire stood firm gazing defiantly at him. Beads of sweat began to form on her upper lip. Without taking here eyes off him she spoke "Alex, take you things and go upstairs to bed."

"Yes Alex go upstairs, Claire and I have a few things to discuss. Just know you will be leaving with me shortly no need to pack there is nothing here you could possibly want."

Glancing at Claire I protested "But Claire, I want stay with you."

"No, Alex. Everything will be fine, just go upstairs." Her eyes still not leaving Alexander.

Kissing her on the cheek I reluctantly obeyed. Alexander grimaced at my display of affection, shaking his head in disgust. "Run along boy. I'll call for you when I'm ready."

I brushed past him as I went up the stairs. "I belong here, with Claire. I wish you weren't my father, I hate you."

With a chuckle Alexander countered "I wish for things too Alex, only difference is I make my wishes come true."

As I closed the door to my room Alexander had moved close to Claire, touching her hair. "Now Claire, tell me, what am I to do with you?

Leaning back on the closed door, I slid to the floor. Resting my head on my knees I prayed Todd would walk through that door.

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	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 

Seated on the floor in the darkened room my heart beat hard and fast as if it were trying to escape. The bitter tastes of rage, fear, revulsion and panic filled my mouth. Returning to Cambias estates without Claire was not something I relished. The normal life I craved was so close. My bones ached to let days pass by uneventful, no life and death deals only simple decisions, mine to make; what to wear, which sports to play, how long to grow my hair, friends I liked not people who could get me what I want. My mind wrapped around that life, settled in ready to stay for years. But Alexander was here, a bandit in the night, to steal away what I coveted most.

Silence climbed the stairs opening the door to my curiosity. The need to know what was going on forced me out of my contemplation. When I rose to crack open the door Alexander was roaming the large room perusing the surrounding artwork; stopping at one then another for a closer look; lingering longest over the self portrait, which was the only painting brought from the estate. At first I did not see Claire but then realized she was in the kitchen beneath the loft. She walked into my line of sight carrying a single glass.

"Gee Alexander I'm afraid I'm fresh out of Scotch" She stated in a rather sarcastic tone "Ginger-ale will have to do. Take it or leave it, makes no difference to me."

"Now Claire, I thought you were taught to be a better hostess; such disrespect for your guest and to think, I brought you flowers."

"You are **no** guest Alexander. If you were to ask me I'm being pretty damn gracious to an intruder. Now drink up and be on your way." There was a timbre to Claire's words I had never heard before; sharp and yet apathetic. This was the first time I had witnessed, first hand, a defiant Claire in Alexander's presence. She had told me of such confrontations but I must confess to believing them exaggerated.

The pinched look on my father's face upon his first sip of the sparkling beverage would have been comical under other circumstances. He looked at the glass as if analyzing the contents. "I have no taste for carbonation unless of course it's in Cristal. You may take this away now." He spoke in his condescending tone.

"I am not your serving wench you disgusting snob. Put it away yourself!"

Looking around the room Alexander gently placed the glass on the nearest table and approached Claire.

"You have grown into a very beautiful woman, Claire. Pity you didn't learn to use it."

Stepping closer he brushed the hair off her face. "Beauty is power; a smile is its sword but in your hands…" he sighed deeply "…wasted." Inching closer still, he ran his finger across her cheek bones "To think I had such high hopes for you." His voice remained quiet, calm belying what churned beneath.

Moving his fingers to the base of her chin he lifted her lips to his. With a sudden yank he grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her closer, then covered her mouth with his as Claire struggled to escape. Eyes open wide she pressed her palms against his shoulders while squirming.

What could I do? I couldn't let that bastard hurt her again. Stepping back from the door I searched for a weapon to fend him off. Unexpectedly I heard a peculiar yelp. Quickly I returned to see Claire's knee leaving his groin. Alexander fell to his knees in obvious distress.

"You sadistic pig!" Claire ranted. "Touch me one more time and you **will** regret it much, much longer. You will **never** touch me again. Do you hear?" Claire's voice was loud and strong without any hint of wavering.

Upon seeing Claire in control I decided it best to stay put. She was standing over him fighting the urge to kick him again; drawing back her leg before bringing it to rest on the floor.

"I am no longer that scared eleven year old girl you tormented and molested. And to think all these years I thought it was me, my fault; but not any more. **You** are the fucking freak! And you don't scare me anymore. Now leave before I call the cops, you fucking bastard!"

Alexander slowly regained composure and rose cautiously. His voice remained unruffled and deliberate in stark contrast to Claire's fury. "You'll not beat me, Claire. Go ahead telephone the police." He picked up the phone and went through the motion of passing it to her. "Maybe it is I who should be making the call. I could have you up on a kidnapping charge before you could say you fucking bastard 3 times fast." With an unsettling chuckle he continued. "Guess you've been a little too busy today to read the paper, as I have finally reported the kidnapping of my eldest son; after attempting to negotiate on my own with the kidnappers, of course."

Claire glanced at the as yet untouched Sunday paper.

"Go ahead take a look" Alexander goaded as he replaced the phone in its cradle.

Without taking her eyes off my father she walked gingerly toward the table by the door where I had flung the paper just this morning. Sure enough, beneath the fold, my picture; the one where the family was paraded out after the Chemstar debacle. All I could make out was the headline: CAMBIAS HEIR KIDNAPPED. I could only image the way in which my father put his personal spin on this.

"The detectives, no doubt, would be pleased by such a speedy recovery and capture. You see dear, I may not have invented this game but I _have_ perfected it. There can be only one winner. And it will never be you."

"And what about Alex; can he ever win?" Claire's stance had changed. I could tell she wasn't prepared for this unexpected twist. She was trying to think of what to do next… how to get the upper hand. After what seemed to be an eternity she finally spoke again, softer this time. "He knows…..he knows who he is…who I am. He knows what you did to me. He knows what wheels I have started turning to claim him as my own." Claire's voice picked up speed and volume as she spoke. "In a few weeks I will have papers filed for custody of **my** son Alexander. Hear that, MY SON. You **will** loose him. The world will find out how you got your twelve year old stepdaughter pregnant. You're a fucking pig and the world will know what our son already knows!" By the time Claire finished she was shouting.

"You fucking bitch. You'll not get away with this. How dare you even attempt such an action? He is mine; now and always. Take away my finest possession and regret it, regret it deeply.

"Possession? Do you hear yourself? He is a boy Alexander, a boy. Newsflash you old bastard people are not possessions! "

Now it was Alexander's turn to be thrown off balance but he quickly recovered. "Let me get this straight. You actually believe the courts would award custody to a drug addicted whore?"

Claire looked amused at first "but I never….." then a realization struck her, Alexander would stop at nothing to keep me, his future, his legacy away from her. Dread crept across her beautiful features. "You wouldn't!"

"Ah, but I would. One call to Chase and you'll be flying higher than a kite my dear. Now, who are people going to believe, a fucked up whore or a fine upstanding businessman? Huh?" As he spoke he lifted the phone and began dialing.

"Chase" He paused briefly while looking directly at Claire.

"Shut up and listen. Get over to Claire's _secret _apartment and bring some of your special medicine we are in need of a potent fix."

Alexander listened and then let out a loud robust laugh. "You aren't called the fixer for nothing my good man. Good bye."

Claire stared at Alexander in disbelief.

"Just walk out that door now and this can all go away Claire. Is he really worth it to you?"

"I want a better life for him. A life full of love and laughter and joy; a life you are incapable of giving him. A life I know I can give him, please Alexander let him go."

"I do so love it when you beg, but I am afraid things have been put into motion already. We have the addict part covered now… as for the whore…."

Alexander rushed Claire, scooped her up and threw her to the floor. He was on top of her tearing open her blouse before I could blink. Writhing in panic Claire managed to break free. Grabbing her leg as she ran Alexander pulled her to the floor again. Claire was kicking and screaming. I had to do something; I had to stop him so I grabbed the first thing I could…my baseball bat. Claire broke free again and went straight for the stairs. I stepped out of her way as she ran past me, Alexander in hot pursuit. No one seemed to see me standing there. As Alexander sped by I swung the bat with all my might hitting him squarely in the ribs. He turned around as if unfazed; adrenalin coursing through him must have caused him to feel no pain. For a moment he stood there looking at me; both of us frozen. We both heard Claire running back towards us yelling "Get away from him or I'll shoot!"

Alexander's eyes went black, vacant like a shark's. In an instant he ripped the bat from my hands and spun back around to Claire. The force with which he yanked the bat from my hand caused me to loose my balance. As I landed on the floor I saw the bat hit Claire across the side of her head sending her flying over the loft rail. In less than an instant all was quiet.

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	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17 

"Claire!" I shouted; barely able to comprehend what I had just witnessed. "Claire!" Looking over the banister her body splayed out beneath me. My head knew instantly she was dead. Her empty stare, the odd twist to her neck, the blood leaking from the corners of her mouth were obvious signs; but my heart…my heart held out hope. Running down the stairs I continued to call her name. When I reached her and touched her cheek it fell towards me. Kneeling beside her, tears streaming down my face, I begged for her to be ok. "Please Claire…please be ok. Claire? …...please…." Lifting her head to cradle in my lap I felt the warmth of her blood on my hands. How was this possible? How could a day start so full of promise and end like this? As I rocked her Alexander approached. I had forgotten he was even in the room with us...with me; Claire had consumed my attention.

"What the hell are you doing?" Alexander's irritated voice broke through. "Get away from her! You can't help her; she's dead for God's sake." Alexander was pulling me away but his heart didn't seem to be in it as I was able to wriggle free each time.

"Leave me be. Leave _her_ be." I spoke slow and deliberate through my sobs. "You did this to Claire; it's your fault. Why couldn't you have just left us alone?" Finally pulling my eyes from Claire's broken form I turned toward Alexander and was shocked to see a single tear traveling down his cheek. He quickly turned away when he realized I was looking. His shoulders slumped as he wiped the wetness from his face. Regaining composer he knelt beside me and gently touched Claire's face, then hair.

"She always had such beautiful hair." His voice cracked, lost in some distant memory.

For a few brief moments we shared our grief in silence while he placed an arm around my shoulder. My need for comfort and kindness outweighed my contempt for this depraved man. Even _his_ sympathy was readily accepted for however brief it may be.

"I loved her too, Alex. You don't own the monopoly here." Alexander's voice sounded tired and frayed. He looked old to me for the first time. I had always seen him as a strong virile man but the events of today had even take their toll on his sturdy physique.

"You have to know I never wanted it to end this way but she had no right to take you away from me. You are my son, my future. You are destined to carry on after me."

With these words Alexander rose and began to preen. Standing in front of the mirror he smoothed his hair and tucked his shirt back in. Standing tall he stepped back admiring himself; offering an approving nod.

I stood to face him "I don't want to be **your** future. I wanted to grow up with Claire; living the life she envisioned."

"I am afraid what you want is immaterial. Cambias Industries is your future; the power, the money - all your birthright." With a finger pressed heavily into my chin he forced me to look at him; his eyes glared as he spoke vehemently "You will not squander what is being handed to you. You do understand there are no choices here." He spun around confidently knocking me slightly off balance in the process. Roaming around the apartment he glanced at Claire's work then to Claire's dead body letting out an exaggerated sigh.

"Once we dispose of this little incident we will be back on task. You will return to school and it will be as if none of this ever happened. What's done can't be undone therefore we move forward. Chase will fix this, no one will ever know what you did."

This cold off-handed observation turned my stomach….this…little…incident, what I did? We weren't talking traffic ticket here. My face grew hot, sweat began to bead up on my forehead and my mouth moistened from excess saliva. Fighting the urge to retch I swallowed repeatedly. I stumbled to the couch and plopped down heavily. Pressing my hands to my face the room seemed to slip away. For a short time only the sounds of my own heart beat filled my ears. Where was the justice here? My gracious queen was dead and the evil sorcerer lived on. The person I loved beyond all others; lying in a pool of her own blood wearing the twisted mask of death. And the two people responsible were still walking, talking, breathing. That's right, at that moment and for quite some time after I believed I was as much to blame as Alexander. If I had been thinking with more clarity, if I had stayed in my room as instructed if, if, if….there were so many. There had to be something I could do to avenge my…my mother. That was still a difficult concept…my mother.

Another wave of nausea overtook me and I raced to the bathroom to be sick. Looking at myself in the mirror before splashing some cold water on my face I discovered it was covered in Claire's blood. My bloody hands had spread the crimson fluid everywhere. While washing my face the moments replayed in my head as they would many, many times over. The gun?…where _was_ the gun? If only I could find it…with it I could kill my _dear father_ once and for all. Such thoughts had filled my imagination over and over again. Now, could I finally make it a reality?

Slow deliberate steps led me from the bathroom as my eyes searched for the gun. My thoughts were twisted around finding the one thing that could put an end to all this insanity. Think...think...where could it have fallen?

"You're looking a little wan there son. Why don't you sit down before you fall down?

"I think I'll get a glass of water first." Reaching up to grab a glass my foot kicked something under the counter…the gun? Slipping through my fingers the glass tumbled to the floor with a bone rattling crash cutting into the unnatural silence filling the room.

Startled Alexander glared at me. "Watch what you're doing!

"Yes sir. I'm sorry" As I spoke I bent over to peak under the counter. Sure enough there it was….the gun. Picking it I was surprised by its weight. It was much heavier than I had expected. I never held a gun before and now here I was pointing one directly at my father.

"If you're going to point that thing you better be prepared to use it or are you just a whimpering coward?" Alexander's voice was taunting me as if he actually wanted me to pull the trigger.

"I will shoot you." My feet were planted solidly and my determination strong. "You don't deserve to live after what you did to Claire and to everyone else who gets in your way. If I refuse you, will I suffer the same fate?"

With straightened arms I squeezed the trigger…nothing. Alexander began to grin and took a step closer. With each step I squeezed again; each time …nothing. The gun was empty. His smile widened and turned to malicious laughter. When he got close enough he wrenched the gun from my hands and threw it across the room shattering the mirror he had admired himself in just moments before. "Guess it's only one murder for you today, slugger."

Boxed in between for what seemed an eternity he grabbed my elbows and shook. Ashamed of my latest failure I looked to the floor; no longer confident of anything.

"Alex! Look at me!" He bellowed "You have the nerve to blame **me** for this calamity? Take a good look at yourself young man. The blame falls squarely on your shoulders…" indignantly he added "attacking your own father with a baseball bat….and now a gun: it certainly causes me to question your judgment. What on earth were you thinking?"

"What was **I** thinking?" Alexander and I sill stood toe to toe; his grasp on my arms becoming tighter my attempts to pull away, futile. "I was thinking I could save Claire from the vicious monster that you are! I was thinking how you were going to ruin everything. I was thinking that I loved Claire and wanted to do anything possible to protect her. I was supposed to be her…her… hero" My voice cracked as air pressed out of my lungs with an uncontrollable shudder making an ugly inhuman sound. I was consumed by grief, tinged with hatred for the man before me.

The rumble of the elevator startled me. The noise prompted Alexander to release me and look at his watch. Under his breath he muttered "Ah, it's about time". Chase Mathews pulled open the heavy door and was immediately met by Alexander. The command in his voice took Chase by surprise. "Get in here. Some things have changed."

To be honest I don't think I have ever seen an uglier man than Chase. What he lacked in looks he certainly made up for in brawn. His oversized nose looked like it had been broken more than once and he had a lip that curled down even when he laughed. His small hooded eyes darted quickly around the room coming to rest on Claire's body. Nodding his head he noted "I see what you mean. Fill me in on what happened then we can put together our own turn of events. What I'll also need to know from you is the preferred outcome, Mr. C."

"It should be crystal clear what I want. The people responsible for this must be punished.

Todd and that...that teacher need to be brought to justice for the way they manipulated my dear step daughter. And no one can EVER know that Alex is responsible for the poor girl's death."

"B-b-but" I stammered.

"I know son." Alexander's voice feigned compassion "You didn't mean to do it. We'll take care of everything."

History is a set of lies agreed upon and it is startling how these two men altered the history of that horrible day. I am still not sure if Alexander actually meant to kill her. As much as I hated him it is not easy to image your own father a murderer and it's especially difficult when the victim is your own mother. But what I must acknowledge is the outcome, as Chase put it, had a favorable twist offering my father some sweet revenge.


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18 

Come on Alex, let's go home." Alexander's words echoed in my ears; words that made no sense. Go home? But that is where I was.

Stepping into the night air he pulled his jacket closer to his lean frame.

"It's a bit chilly don't you think Alex? ...Alex?"

"Huh? Oh I suppose; hadn't noticed."

"You must be tired, try to get some sleep. You'll be home in a couple of hours."

Home…What makes one place home and another merely where you live? Over the years I have lived in a great many places but very few were home to me. The loft with Claire, the casita with Maureen, and the seaside cottage with Kendall; these were home. Where we were headed was just a house; a place I did not fit in, where I was not understood. The miles clicked by in silence. Sleep never visited me as I was much too busy turning the events of the last eight hours over and over in my head.

The very first rays of sunlight crept over the horizon as we turned into the driveway. Approaching the darkened house I felt no joy or relief as most people would after returning from a journey. To be truthful, at this point I was numb, a hollow shell like a jack-o-lantern, scraped clean. The events of the day had blurred, intermingling with the version Chase had created. Repeatedly listening to that version as each police officer asked the same questions had made me begin to question reality; lines were beginning to smear together. Seeing and hearing Chase and Alexander plot out that tragic scenario had seemed surreal. Was I dreaming? Please, let this all be a dream, please let my eyes open to my darkened room. Repeated self inflicted pinches had left a purplish bruise, each time I prayed I would awaken. Unfortunately this was not to be. My insides had been rubbed raw; the simple action of taking a breath seemed overwhelming. My head ached, my eyes burned and my heart…my heart felt as if it had stopped beating, petrified.

The car rolled to a stop and we went inside. I only know this happened because we were inside but I could not tell you how I got there. Standing in the expansive foyer I was suddenly chilled, coldness settled into my bones causing me to shiver. Following Alexander into his study I felt uncomfortable, out of place. He poured me a short glass of a rich golden scotch.

"Here, drink it. You've earned it."

With one gulp it was gone. The burn traveling past my throat to the pit of my stomach was welcome, for a few minutes warmth penetrated the aching cold that had taken hold of every muscle in my body.

"I'd like another."

"Well….I should think that would be sufficient to get you to sleep. Don't you agree?" Alexander had a concerned look on his face as he studied me. "You're shivering. It's not cold in here. What the hell is wrong with you?"

My knees began to buckle beneath me and I collapsed into a nearby chair tucking my legs up close to my body for warmth. After sucking down another drink Alexander went off in search of Ingrid.

She entered the room full of chatter, graying hair sticking out in every direction and still tying her bathrobe round her thick waste.

"I just don't understand Mr. Cambias. Young Alex is back? Where has he been? Is he alright? Why have you summoned me? Do you really think I can be of service?"

"Shut up woman! You are the closest thing we have to a nurse and I believe my son is a bit under the weather."

She placed her soft plump hands on my cheek then forehead "Oh my!" she gasped "He's burning up. Carry him upstairs to bed this instant!"

Alexander bristled at being ordered around by a lowly servant but with a grumble scooped me up and carried me to my bedroom. Ingrid followed along muttering as she went while Alexander just shook his head doing his best to ignore her.

"Now we'll need some cold compresses, fresh apricots, and grapefruit. Don't you think we should call a doctor? Ooh I'll need holy basil too. Did you find him like this? Do I remember where the hot water bottles are? Oh yes. Now where did you say you found him? Here let me pull down the covers. Set him down gently, gently. Very good, now go get Vera I'll need her help as well."

Alexander stood glaring at Ingrid for giving him commands. When she noticed him just standing there she placed her hands on her hips and shouted "NOW!" As bad as I felt I still couldn't resist letting out a snicker at such a site.

After he left she began her mutter again. "Why is he such an arrogant fool? Just doesn't value the important things in life. Now let's tend to you. Tsk, tsk you poor boy. I'll make you feel better you can count on Ingrid. Can you tell Ingrid what happened lad?"

All I could muster was "Claire…she's dead."

"My dear, you poor boy" She bent and kissed my damp hair. "Hush now. There will be no more talk of such things. You need to focus on getting well. Close your eyes and try to get some sleep."

I much preferred the discomfort of wakefulness to the repeated nightmares that filled the deep penetrating fog of restless sleep. Each time my eyes closed I watched, in slow motion, Claire's expression turn from confident to shock to terror as she tried to stop the inevitable and the scream, that earth shattering scream played over and over in my head like a skipping record album as did the thud of her body hitting the floor. Repeated struggles to stay awake were in vain eventually my lids would grow heavy and I'd be reliving those moments again.

Vera and Ingrid doted over me like the mother hens they were. Their need as nannies was diminishing since Michael and Lyn were now eight, therefore they were eager to fill their time lavishing me with all the love and attention previously shown the children. Whenever Ingrid went off to mix one of her concoctions Vera would be there with cold compresses. When Ingrid returned off would run Vera to get fresh cool water or refill the hot water bottles at my feet. A milk tea made of some special basil leaves mixed with sugar and cardamom twice a day had the best effect but by evening the fever would rise, bringing on the sweating and shivering yet again. After two days the doctor was called in but could find no physical reason for my illness and was quite satisfied with my care.

"As long as there is no sign of dehydration he'll get more attention here. I'll come by everyday and be sure to call me should there be any changes."

The whispers suggested my body was doing its best to cleanse itself of the horrible scenes I had witnessed.

Michael made frequent attempts to see me racing in before or after school with some paper or a new talent he'd learned. He seemed most proud of burping the alphabet. I believe he would only make it to the letter F before being ushered out. Other times he'd be out of breath and covered in dirt, with some story to tell of a found treasure or the latest tree he had conquered. My hens would always shoo him out with a firm 'Not so loud, Michael. Your brother is trying to rest. Come back when you can be a quiet little gentleman.' This for Michael was rare indeed. After dinner he would visit but would quickly grow bored of quiet play.

In stark contrast to Michael, Lyn was always quiet and soothing, my own personal angel. Each time I awoke from my nightmares there she was

"Hush brother, it's just a dream. You're safe now." Her calming voice and gentle touch always my harbor in the storm. She would sit by my bedside reading or playing with her doll or just telling me what went on while I was away, constantly by my side. She had Vera teach her to knit, which she took to like fleas to a dog. This new ability provided her with hours of amusement. The click of the needles was a wonderful distraction; their sound prompted my nightmares to lessen usually with the constant click turning into Todd's footsteps arriving just in time to alter history. The hardest part would be waking from these dreams; the realization would slowly creep in that Claire had not been saved. Within the space of four days I think Lyn made everyone in the house a scarf. Mine was dark brown and navy stripes, an odd choice of colors but I kept that scarf with me for many years, in fact it brought to mind a child's story I had heard somewhere, _Joseph had an Overcoat, _in the story the coat got so warn that it was transformed into one item after another useful item until eventually there was nothing left.

Lyn took great pleasure in being my nurse, giving me the fresh apricot juice mixed with honey Ingrid would prepare. She knew this cooling drink was my favorite and was the only thing that quenched my unending thirst. To this day I cannot figure out where Lyn got her empathic nature. She preferred to spend time with the staff, helped in the kitchen, made her own bed and was quick to clear her place after dinner or stoop to clean a spill. Katherine and Alexander's futile attempts to stop this behavior finally were abandoned paving the way for a not so unexpected motherly attachment to Vera; she had been her nanny since birth after all.

As I began to improve Lyn brought out the deck of cards and taught me a thing or two about bluffing, though she was helped by her uncanny good luck. She'd always manage to draw the one card needed to whip my ass. The look of complete and total joy on her sweet face would make losing almost worth it. Untainted laughter would fill the room each time she gathered her pile of M&M's, stuffing half the winnings in her mouth saying "There's plenty more where these came from, Brother." Only then was the twinkle in her eyes evident.

After what seemed like an eternity I was finally released from my room. Gathering up all things even remotely related to baseball was the first thing I did. I no longer wanted anything to do with the sport. To this day hockey, soccer, rugby and football have filled the void left by baseball. Dumping everything on Michael's bed; the balls, posters and cards made for quite a pile.

"What's all this for?" He asked with a grin that stretched from ear to ear.

"Just thought you'd appreciate them more than me, that's all."

"Wow! Thanks. You want something of mine? I'll trade ya."

I gave him a playful punch in the arm "No, not yet. Maybe I'd rather have you owe me you little squirt."

Playfully throwing one of the baseballs in the air he asked "Do you want to go out and play catch?"

"I don't think the clucking hens would allow me to set one foot outside, they just paroled me from bed. Besides I don't ever want to play with those things again, that's why I just gave them away. Got that?"

"Got it, I'm just glad to have you home big brother." And he gave me a big bear hug.

"Enough of that. Don't turn all girl on me. I get enough of that from Lyn. Besides it's only been a few months."

"I know, I know but it's the longest you've been away. I don't like it here without you." After a brief pause and an I know something you don't, smirk he continued "Ya know what? Katherine said you don't have to go back to school until next year and even then you aren't going to live there alone. We're gonna go to school together."

"I'll like that, Michael. Hey…how come you aren't stuttering anymore?"

"I know it's kinda neat. I only do it when I talk to father, he makes me so nervous."

"Well, well, well looks who's up. Felling better are you?"

Michael and I both turned to see father standing in the doorway with a smug look on his face.

"Yes sir, all better thank you."

"Good. The police have wanted to question you about what happened. I've told them your little illness has made you unclear of the events of that night but…."

"I remember everything just fine. I want to talk to them, make sure they understand everything."

"You were delirious for days shouting out this thing and that. I don't think you even remember Todd in his drugged out rage do you? If I hadn't arrived when I did I truly believe you would have been dead too." Quickly he added as he raised his palm "No need to thank me."

"But… but…."

"But nothing, I understand you are having trouble discerning fact from your repeated nightmares, in fact several physicians have told the investigators your testimony will be tainted at best. But they are required to ask nonetheless."

I knew then no matter what I said would be twisted to suite Alexander's needs. Todd had never laid a hand on Claire but he would pay the ultimate price for befriending a Cambias.

6


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19 

A.G.A.

_Sleep brings no joy to me,  
Remembrance never dies;  
My soul is given to misery  
And lives in sighs._

Sleep brings no rest to me;  
The shadows of the dead  
My waking eyes may never see  
Surround my bed.

Sleep brings no hope to me;  
In sounder sleep they come.  
And with their doleful imagery  
Deepen the gloom

_  
**By Emily Bronte**_

_(portion only)_

Darkness settled over these bricks and mortar that is the Cambias Estate. One by one each of the dwellers in this dreary house scuttle off to bed. First Lyn who is always eager to shut her door and enter dreamland then Michael, he usually puts up a fight even though the redness under his eyes belies his constant yammer that he is not tired. Once the children are in bed the staff usually settles in for the night as well, happy to be in their own quarters away from the madness that is Cambias. Alexander and Chase are locked deep in conversation while shooting pool, a new acquisition placed in the rarely used ladies parlor. I have no desire to join these two schemers, Iago and Richard III. Even sleep would be more desirable; despite having spent two weeks confined to my sickbed, just opening the door to my room gave me a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I stood just outside the parlor with my back pressed against the wall. I could hear their perverse laughter reverberating off the golden brown bocote paneling.

"It was too fucking funny…the look on Todd's face. He freaked out when he realized he was playing with blood." Chase gulped down a short neat scotch; setting down the glass he grabbed his cue. "Of course 300 micrograms of acid would send anyone on a wild ride down a …." the rich tones of ball hitting ball followed by the soft thud of one dropping into a pocket eclipsed Chase's words.

Alexander gave one of his snide chortles. "He _was_ pretty fucked up; you just can't make up shit like that especially when he arranged those flowers around her body and tried to tie that ribbon in her hair. What the hell did he think he was doing? Nice shot Chase!" Alexander let out an exaggerated sigh; his steps came closer to the door. "Hurry up with next one! It's never a good idea to keep the boss waiting."

I slid down the wall, images crystallized of Todd being brought into the apartment that night. Chase made several brief calls shortly after he arrived and within 3o minutes, or so, two of his minions escorted Todd through the door. The second I saw him I knew he was on something, the Todd I knew always offered a broad smile and an offhanded tousle of my hair. This Todd walked past as if I were invisible, directly to one of Claire's abstract works and carefully traced the sweeps and swirls of each vibrant color. Turning gradually he saw the pools of thickening blood; I think he thought it was paint. Slowly and purposefully he ran his fingers through it and lost himself while watching it drip slowly back into the puddles. Placing wet fingers on his chin he began to apply Claire's blood over his entire face, hands, arms and chest, almost like war paint. Next he pressed his palms into the sticky liquid. It was at this moment he realized Claire was lying next to him. A soft smile appeared as he placed a blood covered hand on her face. It was at this moment that the smile turned to dismay and then to horror. His face twisted into something barely human. How Chase found this comical is testament to his depraved soul. Next came the blood curdling scream and his bad trip began.

All this time Alexander held me by my shoulders, wanting me to see everything. I tried to pull away, to help Todd, but his grip grew tighter, in fact some of the bruises still remained. No longer lost in colors and drops Todd now raced around the room smashing every painting with the bat that had been strategically left next to Claire's lifeless body. He rubbed at his hands and arms screaming 'the blood, the blood get it off!' Of course with each stroke more blood was added. Finally after repeatedly trying to pull away Chase gave a subtle nod to my father and at that moment I was free. The instant I reached Todd I tried to wrap my arms around him, tried to quiet him but he was considerably larger than I was making it extremely difficult. In his agitated state he would shove me away and I would tumble to the floor. At some point during all this Chase left and Alexander called the police. When the police arrived I had at last managed to calm Todd. His final act, before their arrival, was to grab the gardenias and place them lovingly around Claire's lifeless body. Tenderly he tried to neaten her matted hair and pull it away from her face with the white ribbon. We sat on the floor covered in blood, sobbing.

Chase's hideous laugh pulled me back to the present. "Don't let it bother you Mr. C that fucking cunt deserved whatever she got."

With these words I felt my blood boil, the disgust I felt turned into rage. Jumping up from the floor I stormed into the room just as father was taking his shot.

"Don't you ever call my mother that you have no right….!"

Chase shot me a bemused look and spoke in a condescending baby voice "The little boy doesn't like when the big bad man says naughty words about his mommy…Huh?"

Alexander's face reddened and for a moment I thought we were in agreement. With two long strides he was standing directly in front of me. He raised his hand and smacked me across the face, hard.

"Your mother is Katherine. Don't let me ever hear you state otherwise. Have I made myself perfectly clear?"

The sting in my cheek reached deep as I fought to keep my tears at bay. Staring wide eyed at this bastard I was somehow surprised by his reaction. When was I going to come to the realization that this man never acted the way I expected? Not only did he take away the walking, breathing, loving friend that was my mother, he was now stripping me emotionally, killing the knowledge of who she really was stealing the brief moment in time where I had a mother who loved me and would have done anything for me which included defying the only man in this world she feared. I am not sure how long I stared at him searching for just the right words to cut him and make him bleed but those words did not exist. My only victory, small as it was, was to walk away, turn my back and walk without giving him the satisfaction of seeing my rage and disappointment.

In the corridor my skin thickened as another barrier to this man who was my father went up. Why did I let him affect me? Why did I care what he said? He always knew exactly what words would rattle me, make my skin crawl. I guess that was one of the reasons he was so successful, he knew how to upset people how to make them loose control and when people see red they make mistakes. Anger… I couldn't let him get the better of me. Anyone who angers you conquers you. Self control…. Restraint these were things I needed to master in order to survive under this roof and master them I would.

From my vantage point at the end of the center corridor I caught a glimpse of Katherine as she cut through the foyer in the direction of the main staircase. She was the only one else left awake, my desire for company out weighed any apprehension I may have had as I had not seen her since my return, and to my knowledge she had not set foot in my room while I was sick. Taking two at a time I climbed the backstairs managing to head her off as she made her way to her room. My stomach turned itself into a knot as I watched her slowly approach. Her walk was unsteady; she swayed from side to side and at one point had to place a hand on the wall to catch her balance. The glass she carried was half full but the clear liquid kept sloshing over the side as she made her way ever closer. I had never seen her in this state and I found it unsettling.

"Alexxx your ba-ck and what a grand gift youbring me." Her words strung together like pearls her tongue thick from drink.

"Gift? What are you talking about Katherine?" Caught off guard by her statement I was puzzled.

"Whymy daugh-ter's deadbody of cou-course you fuckin' basss-tard" and with these words I was the beneficiary of yet another slap across the face, fortunately her wobbly stance meant this slap carried none of the physical sting of Alexander's. When she realized just how little effect her hand had on me she threw her glass in my general direction missing me by a mile. If the scene were not so pathetic it would have been laughable. Dismayed she dropped to the floor heaving deep sobs. "It's all you – your fault. Mmyyy sweet Claire…gone cuzof-you. You you killed her. Why not you….I wish it was you."

Despite my lack of affection for this woman my heart went out to her. The pain she felt was real, no doubt the result of a considerable amount of guilt and I was an easy target. Pity makes suffering contagious… I read that somewhere…Nietzsche I believe and at this moment I knew it to be true. Settling in on the floor with Katherine I wrapped my arms around her and together we wept. I am not sure how long we stayed that way, rocking and weeping, swallowing up by our sorrow and our guilt. Finally with the first few glimmers of morning light sneaking through the eastern windows there were no more tears left, we'd cried ourselves dry.

4


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20 

The soft light of sunrise began to fill the expansive corridor. We walked together to Katherine's room. As we approached it occurred to me that I had never been behind that door; many a time I had heard Michael and Lyn's laughter emanate from within but I had never entered.

"I would like it if you came in Alex. I don't like being alone." Katherine's voice was flat, stripped of cadence.

"OK, I guess." Demoralized…broken this woman before me tugged at my aching heart. I just couldn't turn my back on her, even though that is exactly what I wanted to do. Katherine was an enigma to me, her true feelings always veiled, only glimpsed granted from time to time, whether accidental or deliberate I cannot say. In so many ways she was a perfect match for my father the hunger for wealth and control and the pure childlike joy garnered from the defeat of others; the only difference… Alexander did not waste subterfuge on me, everyone else yes but never on me. With Katherine I was always off balance, never sure how to interpret what came out of that mouth of hers next. Few things in Katherine reminded me of Claire, an occasional expression or the tilt of her head but for the most part it was obvious she must have taken after her father. Too bad I never met him, I am certain I would have liked him.

Opening the door was a plunge down the rabbit hole. The room was exactly the opposite of what I expected. It was in fact comfortable….inviting. Her sitting room looked nothing like the stuffy formal rooms downstairs and it lacked the grand oversized pieces found in Alexander's rooms. My father thrived on making people feel uncomfortable. It was a rare guest indeed that was not made to feel insignificant. In glaring contrast this room was all about comfort. This by no means implies the furniture was any less expensive than the rest of the house; to the contrary some of the finest pieces were here but at the same time it was a room that radiated warmth.

It was apparent Katherine's _apartment_ was a welcome haven to the children. It didn't take Sam Spade to figure out Michael and Lyn spent considerable time here. Yarn in a variety of colors filled several baskets and many of Lyn's projects were scattered about the room in varying stages of completion. Michael's sneakers where placed haphazardly at one end of the sofa which in and of itself was shocking. Shoes were only seen on one's feet and we were never allowed to roam sans footwear, one of Alexander's steadfast rules. Katherine became aware of my staring and half whispered

"I let him sneak out barefoot. It's a small indulgence but Michael gets great pleasure from it." The slightest hint of a smile almost turned the corners of her mouth but before it could blossom it vanished.

In front of the large bay window at the far end of the room was the most amazing piano, intricately carved with a mural painted above the keys. Resting above the keys was Michael's music, Scott Joplin's Sunflower Slow Drag and Liebestraum No. 3 by Liszt, a study in contrasts.

"Alexander refuses to allow Michael to practice downstairs so we bought this. Now he can play whenever he wishes. He really has become astonishingly good, you know."

"I'm sure it doesn't hurt playing on a piano like this. Almost makes me wish I could play."

Katherine's expression changed abruptly, eyes narrowed, lips tightened. "Well you'll have to get dear old dad to buy you one since you will never play this one. Someone has to put Michael first in this family and we both know the chances of Alexander doing that are non existent. Don't we, Golden Boy?"

I don't know why I was stunned by her sudden transformation in demeanor. It was something I had witnessed before but it always affected me the same. Each time I thought we were making progress, moving forward, I was abruptly reminded of my place in her heart. As quickly as her face hardened it softened again and she continued the conversation.

"It is the most artistic piano ever made and the most expensive I could find. As always if, no _when_ Alexander is difficult he must pay and pay dearly." This time a smile did emerge ever so slightly but was gone again quickly. Katherine ran her fingers along the keys. "Alma-Tadema Steinway… a truly remarkable work of art, don't you agree?"

All I could muster was a nod. The legs, lid and case were intricately carved and Mother of pearl inlays encrusted its surface. Above the keyboard was an elaborate depiction of Edward J. Poynter's The Wandering Minstrels topped by an arched brass lyre. Many years later, 1998 I believe, while living in Nevada I read of its auction by Christie's of London; the caption read 'The most expensive piano' a title earned by fetching the rather substantial sum of 1.2 million dollars. Katherine had indeed been right, she did have expensive taste.

"I'd have Michael play for you one day, Alex, if only you hadn't killed my precious Claire." Waving her hand dismissively she sighed heavily before sliding into one of the overstuffed chairs and curling her legs beneath her skirt.

I did my best to let her words bounce off me; I wasn't going to get anywhere denying a statement I believed in my heart to be true.

"A cup of tea would be appreciated right about now, be a dear and press the servant's bell twice. Maggie will know what I need."

Following her finger I turned and walked toward the bell by the door. It was the first I'd seen of this wall, the wall Katherine faced from practically every chair, a smile crept across my face as I was pleased to see so many of Claire's pieces displayed, the entire wall was covered. Claire's self portrait had found a prominent position and resting on the floor beneath it was the picture she had painted of me that day in her studio after Mark Dawson's suicide.

Lost in the beautiful painting of Claire's radiant face I realized this is what Todd was attempting to duplicate when he arranged the flowers so carefully.

"She was a beautiful girl, such a beautiful girl."

I was startled by Katherine's voice. No longer seated she had moved closer and peered over my shoulder. "She had exceptional talent."

"She looks so happy."

"She would have been if not for you. It ate her up inside…..the poison of loving you. Too bad she couldn't break free; she would still be alive. It was her love for you that killed her." Katherine's words were cold and free of emotion.

"I'm, I'm sorry Katherine. I know you loved her but I loved her too. I just wish I'd known who she was sooner. It was quite a shock. Why did you let it happen? Why didn't you protect her? "

All color drained from her face and she appeared unsteady on her feet; reaching out to comfort her, my hands were batted away.

"Don't touch me!" Revulsion filled each word.

The anger of the previous night had returned only this time she was sober. Words soaked in drink don't hurt nearly as much as those spoken from a clear head.

"Knowing she was your mother changed what exactly? Are you happier now than you were before?" answering her own question she continued. "Of course not! But look what it cost Claire…..her life…..all because of you! It is your fault she's dead, yours and only yours!"

Katherine suddenly became aware of my attention to the other painting, the one of me. Looking back and forth from me to the piece I think she realized how much I wanted it as a reminder of Claire's love.

"Tauntingly she asked "Would you like that one? Does it hold a special meaning for you?"

With some hesitation I responded "Yes, I felt safe there, loved. It would mean a great deal to me if I could have it."

"Well then… let's see what we can do about that."

At that exact moment Maggie knocked on the door, entering with a tray. A gleaming silver tea pot perched next to a carafe of orange juice. On a small plate were two wonderfully fragrant cinnamon buns, the aroma of which made me fully aware of my empty stomach.

Katherine poured her fresh squeezed orange juice into a glass and proceeded to top it off the vodka that was carefully tucked between the fold of the newspaper. With several quick swallows the glass was have empty. She stooped to pick up the painting studying it carefully. After a moment or two she slowly picked up a knife from the tray. "So you think I should give you this do you? Well it needs a little touching up first." And with that she plunged the knife through the canvas destroying my last joyful reminder of Claire. "Still want it?"

I said nothing. What was there to say?

"I thought not." Tossing it into the fireplace she stood watching it go up in flames. "There now I've take something from you. GET OUT!"

Quickly turning from me she polished off her drink and prepared a second all the while muttering to herself.

I stood frozen in place watching the last of the canvas evaporate into thin air, not fully believing what I had seen. It was so close and now it was gone forever.

"You still here? I believe I asked you to leave. Must I call someone to have you removed?"

"Not necessary I'm leaving."

She lifted the glass in a parting gesture while offering a toast

"To alcohol the cause of and solution to all of life's problems."

Closing the door behind me I felt empty. Katherine could be cruel but in this instance I believed I deserved it.

It was still quite early and I found myself headed for the kitchen, following my stomach or possibly my nose. The smell of those fresh cinnamon buns had my mouth watering and I was hoping there would be some left. I was not sure of the last time I'd eaten and this wonderful aroma reminded me I was starving. My anticipation of that spicy sweetness was made even more pleasing after seeing Lyn's broad smile greet me as I rounded the corner. A welcome sight.

5


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

"**You shall have joy, or you shall have power, said God; you shall not have both"**

_Ralph Waldo Emerson_

I may need to set the record straight on something. Under no circumstances do I want you to think that I experienced no joy. Despite Claire's death there were still two very special people in my life, Lyn and Michael. Because of these remarkable siblings I enjoyed the bounty of unconditional love. This is not to say Alexander did not love me, he did, but his bizarre interpretation of love was destructive. Too many people had been hurt because he loved me or more specifically his vision of me. If not for the devotion of my brother and sister I am convinced my heart would have been consumed by hate, turning me into a carbon copy of the ogre who was my father. As far as Katherine was concerned there was no hope of ever receiving her love and that I could accept but regardless of her feelings or lack of I couldn't hate her, for without Katherine none of the people I held close to my heart would have ever existed and for that I remain eternally grateful. Yes, I am very much aware of what Michael became and in no way do I forgive him his actions, but during this time he was innocent and unspoiled and I loved him.

The human psyche is amazingly resilient; it's remarkable what we can learn to tolerate and accept as normal. I was no longer surprised by the dealings of my father; disappointed and embittered yes but the ability to shock me was gone, or so I thought. And with that evolution I believed a little of his control was gone as well. I began to set some of my own paths, tried to determine what I liked. Unfortunately many of the things that I found pleasure in pleased Alexander by default. My intention was not to satisfy his conception of the perfect son but to satisfy my desire for strength and independence. The unintended side effect, though unfortunate, couldn't matter. To thine own self be true, words I chose to live by. I began solitary runs in the mornings and enjoyed swimming in the pool with Michael. Lyn and I would go horse back riding almost every evening. In between I read voraciously anything I could get my hands on from Shakespeare to Star Wars comic books to Playboy magazine which were given to me by the barn manager in exchange for some of Alexander's best scotch; I became proficient at picking the locks on his private stash. It was always my intention to be as far away from the dismal echoes of those rooms and hallways as possible, there was nothing inside that house for me.

My heart would sink each time Alexander met me for a run. Futile attempts to sneak out in the hopes of missing him ended up with him running up behind me.

"Alex, you'll never escape me so why bother?"

I would try to out run the bastard but he ran like an antelope catching up to me with his long consistent strides each time I'd tire from a sprint, needless to say at least the old man gave me a goal.

"I'm so pleased to see you taking care of yourself Alex. A fit body leads to a fit mind and it gives us chance to talk."

"Talk, great the last thing I want to do is talk to you. Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Now is that any way to talk to your father after all I've done for you? All I want is what's best for you and what's best for you is best for the Cambias legacy."

"The only thing I know for certain is I want no part of your legacy, its toxic; keep it and poison yourself; not me. I will not be dragged down by your black heart. "

"You're just angry with me because of Claire; all that dirty business will soon be forgotten, water under the bridge."

Paralyzed by his comment I stopped in my tracks, throwing my hands in the air with annoyance "Are you that obtuse? You think you can kill my mother while I watch and it will be forgotten like the guest list to your last party? Well let me fill you in on a little secret; I'll never forget and I'll never forgive. You will not see victory in the conquest of my soul."

"Alex, let _me_ fill _you _in on a little secret….everyone's soul has a price, it's my job to know exactly what that price is, and yours …..It's not hard to figure out; you would sell your soul to bring back Claire and to convince yourself that you were not responsible and since that is not possible you would do the next best thing…protect those that are left. Have you noticed how much Lyn is beginning to look like Claire, uncanny don't you think?"

The callous glint in Alexander's eyes was no joke; he may as well have punched me in the gut it would have had the same effect, sucking all the air out of me.

"Ah, I see you get my point, love is your curse, son; compassion your Achilles' heal. You'll have to work on that but for now it suits me quite well. Now let's finish up our run I have a busy morning."

Hatred filled my lungs with each breathe as I watched him head out before me on the trail, grudgingly I followed along. As each foot pressed earth my mind repeated he wins, he wins, he wins; fully aware of his capabilities there was no way I could turn my back on either Michael or Lyn. He wins.

2


	22. Chapter 22

**CHAPTER 22**

Cracks were beginning to appear in Alexander and Katherine's marriage. The strain brought on by the Claire's death, the funeral and investigation pushed Katherine over the edge. My father had little patience for weakness and despised her drunkenness. He was not against drinking he was against the loss of composure and self-control that resulted in overindulgence. Each time Alexander saw her, glass in hand, he became more and more agitated and his anger was taken out on anyone passing, the staff usually getting more than their share. The first recipient was Ingrid. Father caught her, tray in hand, climbing the back stairs

"And where are you headed with all that?" He boomed.

"Excuse me Sir, but it's for Mrs. C." Ingrid climbed a step closer and lowered her voice to a whisper "She's feeing a bit under the weather today."

"You don't say. And why do you think that could be?"

"Well….there is that bug going 'round, everyone's gettin' it."

"Yes…that bug in a bottle and what makes you think these will make her feel better?"

Ingrid puffed her chest, proud of her concoction "Well sir, it's my tried and true hangover cure, two aspirin, cysteine, vitamins B & C and this….." she raised the tall glass of a rather disgusting looking wheat colored liquid "guaranteed to….

Before she could finish Alexander knocked the glass from her hand sending the milky beverage cascading down the stairs.

"Shut up you fucking idiot! Do you think I actually care?"

"Why on earth did you go and do that? Now I'll have to make another. Mrs. C. is waiting!" Turning to go back to the kitchen she muttered "Arrogant fool, spends so much time looking down on people he doesn't notice those above him."

"Ingrid?" Alexander's voice dripped with sweetness "Mrs. C. can keep waiting. You'll be busy doing something for me."

"Sir? And what exactly would that be?" Nerves sent Ingrid's voice to a higher octave. Sweet tones from my father meant only one thing…..and it was never good.

"Leaving Ingrid; you are fired! Now get that fat ass of yours out of here. You have fifteen minutes!"

"But….what….why….where?" Tears welled up in her eyes as she stared at him in disbelief.

A grin spread across his face "What are you waiting for? Fourteen minutes. GO!"

Ingrid made a hasty retreat crashing into me as I rounded the corner at the top of the stairs.

"What is it Ingrid? What has gotten you so upset?"

With a tousle of my hair and the heartbreaking look of despair she cried "I'm…I'm…leaving. I've just been dismissed." Her pace quickened as she turned the next corner.

"Ingrid, wait!" But before I could say any more she was out of site. As I looked down the stairs there was my father, one hand on the rail the other stuffed in his pocket his face beaming.

"Proud of yourself?" I asked harshly. She's lived here eight years, cut off from family and friends, per your request, where is she supposed to go? You are a fucking bastard and each day I think I couldn't possibly hate you any more you prove me wrong. Congratulations yet again."

Alexander's grin turned to laughter; taking two stairs at a time with his long strides we were face to face.

"She's only hired help Alex, I couldn't care less what happens to her or where she ends up and you would be better off if you felt the same." I could feel his breath on my cheeks and smell his Gucci cologne. "There's that Achilles heel again, you really must learn to cut yourself off from people. You, my dear boy are a Cambias, heir to an empire, the sooner you realize your superiority the easier it will be to step on those less fortunate. You cannot be ruthless and compassionate – like oil and water."

"Thank you for one of life's little lessons, but she and Vera have been more like family to me than you will ever be, now if you'll excuse me." I brushed past knocking him slightly off balance.

Vera opened the door in response to my pleas and banging. She stepped aside making room for me to enter the room they had shared since the twins were born; it was placed strategically between their two rooms. Ingrid was pulling clothing from drawers and off hangers tossing the pieces into an open suitcase; both women were crying.

Vera plunked her tiny frame heavily on the bed drawing and in a quivering breath "Where will you go, Ingrid? How will you live? I cannot image that bag of wind giving you a reference, he didn't even give you time to find another position."

Without looking up from her task Ingrid replied. "I have no place to go, no one to call; thank goodness its summer at least I'll not freeze." Standing tall she boasted "Don't worry about Ingrid I always land on my feet."

I approached Ingrid and placed my hands on her shoulders "Look at me. I have to do something. I'll be right back, promise you'll stay."

Concern crossed her brow "Oh Alex dear, I don't know your father gave me only a few minutes. I'm sure he'll call the police if I am not gone; oh dear, I don't want that."

I grew animated, moving from Ingrid to Vera, Please don't go. Vera, keep her here I promise I'll be right back."

Closing the door behind me my mind raced from one person to the next, who should I turn to, I had to think fast. Darting to the third floor I banged on Katherine's door.

"Let me in Katherine. I need your help." Only silence returned. "Katherine I know you are there open up, hurry!"

After what seemed like an eternity a rather pale looking Katherine finally opened the door holding a moistened cloth to her eyes.

"Alex, leave me be I don't feel well. Where is Ingrid, have you seen her? I expected her more than ten minutes ago."

"That's why I am here; she's packing. Alexander fired her and she has to leave today, now. Can you stop this can you make him change his mind?"

"Oh Alex, her staying or going makes little difference to me. Why should I bother? Besides I am not on his highness' good side right now; I find it extremely unlikely he would respond favorably to any of my requests, besides the children are nearly grown, we hardly need two nannies. Would you rather we fire Vera?"

"Well if you won't fight to keep her than the very least you could do is write a glowing recommendation." I went to her desk and pulled out several pieces of her writing paper and a pen shoving them into her hands I roared. "NOW!"

Katherine traded the cloth for an ice bag placing it gently to her temples as she whispered slowly "Shhh don't shout, don't shout. I'll do it."

"Good! I'll be back in a few minutes, that letter better be finished and extol each and every one of her amazing qualities. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Alex it will be ready."

As the door closed behind me I squeezed my eyes shut trying to figure out who I could turn to next. Fortunately I had an excellent relationship with the staff, knew each one by name and actually treated then like people; clicking off the list in my head I realized most of the help lived at Cambias Estates with the exception of security and could do little to help. Pablo the gardener! He knew what it felt like to be fired, he'd been let go by my father a few years before but lucky for him, I guess, Katherine intervened; he lived with his family of six children several towns over and just last week his wife had taken a tumble and broken a bone in her foot. I found him weeding the flower beds in the front of the house.

"Pablo, Pablo, please Pablo I need your help. Ingrid the nanny has just been fired. She has nowhere to go until she finds another position. Could she stay with you? She could help your wife I'm sure she will be no tr……"

"Stop Mr. Alex, stop." He held up his earth caked hands "Of course she can stay my Delores will be very happy it has been very difficult for her."

"She has to leave now could you take her?"

"Si, I need more weed killer; have her meet me on the corner, I would prefer your father does not know."

"Understood, she'll be there. Thank you, thank you."

"It is I to thank you; this is the answer to my prayers." He pulled out a worn wooden cross from his pocket and kissed it saying a silent prayer.

5


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Humanity, the one thing I possessed that my father hated; as a weapon it was ineffective, but like nails on a chalkboard it irritated him and I took tremendous pleasure in that.

"Don't think for one second I don't know what you did for that, that fucking interfering witch." Alexander had joined me for yet another run and his sermon began almost immediately. "While I approve of your quick thinking I must admit to being nauseated by your motives. Help me here would you? What exactly did you gain? OH I know….EXACTLY NOTHING! What were you thinking? You are Cambias, we do not lift a finger if there is no personal benefit. Where did you get this misguided judgment? We really need to work on that."

"You think I am a blank canvas and with very little effort your strokes can color me to your way of thinking; that you can twist my thoughts toward your lust for power and cause me to revel in the game of manipulation; well with each nudge my hatred for your ways multiplies."

Alexander continued as though I had said nothing. "I did enjoy your resourcefulness; didn't give you enough credit, actually thought you would just try to convince me to keep her on. That would have been your wimp ass brother. Going to Katherine in her current state of madness was quite bold, quite bold indeed. And actually knowing Pablo needed help, well….pure genius! How the hell you knew he needed someone doesn't matter, what matters is you thought on your feet and saved that wench from being deported." With barely a breath he continued "Yup, I was sending her packing. Without a job she couldn't stay, now thanks to Katherine's glowing recommendation I can't tell prospective households what a cancer she is, causing trouble with the help, spreading her sassy mouth around to anyone with half an ounce of courage. I don't think you realize just how much I hate that bitch."

My irritation grew as he spoke "I don't think you realize just how little I care. She was always good to me and took care of me while I was sick. I believe in repaying my debts….a foreign concept to you I know."

"Debts? We owe no one! Anyone touching our little word is there because WE let them; it is they that owe us. Why do you seem to have such trouble with that concept? If people are too stupid to hang on to what they want we should repay them? I think not."

"You are one evil bastard and it sickens me to call you father. You enjoy the havoc you create and like to watch the results of your misdeeds take fruit. I see no pleasure in anguish! Now if you don't mind I would like to continue this run and every other in peace."

"You may continue on you own today but only because I have any early flight. I'll catch up with you again in few days at Todd's sentencing."

Alexander veered off back toward the house leaving me alone to contemplate Todd's fate. The police had questioned me several times in the hopes 'my head would clear' (their words not mine) and each time I told them it was Alexander that struck Claire but it was my fault, my responsibility; but no matter what I said or how I said it they wouldn't believe me. In fact on more than one occasion my insistence generated considerable laughter.

My last meeting with Lieutenant Murphy turned over in my mind. His droopy blue eyes kept watering and he smelled like a fry cook mingled with sweat, and a little cologne thrown in on top for good measure. There was a ketchup stain just under his third button and I could see it each time he tipped back in his chair, which was frequent.

"Tis my understanding you became quite ill that evenin'….delirious; memories got all twisted up with nightmares and you remember things that didn't happen. Pity you haven't figured out how to separate dream from fact; my hope was you would, but unfortunately I don't see that happenin'. You do realize there is no way your father could have done what you say? He has a sturdy alibi, dinner with the major. When your sister called pleadin' for help the only thing he was guilty of is not takin' her hysterics seriously." Whispering he leaned in "I can tell you, that's a decision he deeply regrets," With a wink he pressed back on his chair exposing that ketchup stain again "I know these things" he boasted while tapping his index finger to his right temple. Nodding he added "I have a keen eye." In a louder voice he continued "Maybe it twas you who done the smackin' up side the head; you were the only other soul in the room? It was in fact your bat now, wasn't it lad?"

Oh Alexander, I mused silently, you are good - you are very good. Dinner with the mayor no less; I would have liked to have know how much that set him back, a small fortune to the re-election fund no doubt and possibly a new hot tub at his vacation home or maybe the vacation home itself?

"Let's see lad, who am I to believe; some fucked up kid mad at daddy or the mayor of this fine city?" He raised his hands to represent scales and pretended to mull over the decision. Since the mayor signs my checks that's gonna be a tough call." A rap on the door wiped Murphy's smug look off his face; a skinny young officer came strutting in, trying to look intimidating, Murphy chuckled as he rose to his feet "Who you tryin' to impress Martin? Relax. What ya got for me?"

"A note from the DA Sir; thought you'd want all the facts Sir."

With a nod of thanks the lieutenant plucked the light blue page from Martin's out stretched hand then waved dismissively to the young officer. Spinning on his heals he offered a crisp salute and made his way out of the small room.

"Rookies" muttered Murphy before opening the note and reading it slowly. You would have thought it the greatest piece of literature ever written the way that man studied it. Finally he looked up "Well, guess you might as well go home kid. We won't be needin' your services after all. Seems here the gentleman has no desire to defend himself; he'll be pleadin' guilty to all counts. What a standup guy, wants to save the taxpayers some money." His words dripped with sarcasm. "Now if only we could locate that teacher and round out the kidnapping charge we'd be in like flint but I wouldn't be too worried about that one neither your daddy got men lookin' as we speak. France I think.'

Hiding the urgency in my voice as best I could I pressed to see Todd, he needed to fight, he was innocent. It was my fault he would go to jail….mine. Why wouldn't people believe me? Why couldn't I make things right? Of course I knew why, The diorama was set, all the army men had been carefully placed on the battlefield, those expendable were toppled, the victims, had been predetermined; how is it the innocent people go to jail when people like my father get to sip 80 year old scotch and bed any warm body that passes by? Todd needed to know what I knew. "Well if he really did kill my m…, err Claire, I would like to speak to him; please. What are my chances of arranging a visit?"

"Let's see lad, hmmm, slim to none I'd say. Your daddy'd string me alive if I were to arrange such a thing." Lieutenant Murphy gave my father a quick wink as he stood in the window of the interrogation room; he'd been watching the entire time and for all I know was listening as well. "Now as I said before go home; your Daddy's waitin' it appears everything has taken care of itself, how convenient."

The door swung open wide and there stood Alexander barely able to contain the look of complete pleasure. He placed an arm around my shoulders "Come on son let's go home."

Lost in thought I didn't realize just how far I had run. I turned back, feeling the ache in my calves but relishing the time without my father.

The days past quickly and before I knew it Alexander had returned, anxious and ready for the sentencing. As I said before there was no need of a trial, Todd pled guilty to both counts – kidnapping and first degree murder. In order for his plea to be accepted he had to rise and state exactly what happened for the court record. During this Alexander looked glib and self-satisfied; a look that made my stomach tighten.

Todd rose confidently, looking straight at the judge; at no time did he look at me. Was Todd confused about the events of that night? Did the drugs Chase gave him make the events unclear? The last thing I wanted was for him to think I had turned on him, was he pleading guilty because he thought I would testify against him, he had to know that would never happen, after what he had tried to do for us I could never turn my back on him; if only I could have seen him, talked to him.

With the sharp sound of clearing his throat Todd broke the silence of the courtroom "I tricked Claire into believing I was in love with her." These were the hardest words for Todd to say each one seemed to stick in his throat tripping on the next. Instantly I knew Todd was lying not just to the court but to himself, there was no possible way he did not love her I had seen that love with my own eyes. He continued after a brief pause "I convinced her it was in the kid's best interest to yank him away from the old man, it was easy, she hated him and would have done anything to inflict pain. All I saw was dollar signs, the bastard is fucking rich!"

The judge interrupted "Mr. Doogle there will be no such language in my courtroom!"

"I'm sorry your honor, it won't happen again."

"Very well, continue."

Things went wrong from the start, there were too much security at the first ransom drop and it was becoming harder and harder to keep up the act. I finally asked Claire to make the ransom demand but she refused and threatened to expose me. I became angry and grabbed the bat away from the kid chasing her up the stairs, she ran to get the gun I kept under the mattress; waving it around screaming at me to get out and I snapped. I hauled back and whacked her; she fell over the railing and was dead. I trashed the place to make it look like a robbery and was ready to grab the kid and run when…uhm…Mr. Cambias came in. I didn't realize Claire had already called him."

Todd stopped speaking, the courtroom grew silent, the wait for the judge to speak was excruciatingly long. "Mr. Doogle please fill us in on Miss Amy Peterson's involvement in all this."

"Your honor…In exchange for my pleading guilty to the highest charges I have refused to provide any additional information." Todd stared defiantly at the judge refusing to waver.

"Mr. District Attorney is this as you agreed?"

"It is your honor."

"Very well then, to the count of first degree murder I sentence you to the maximum I am allowed 25 years to life; and to the kidnapping charge I sentence you to 15 to 35 years. These sentences are to run consecutively. The ruling of this court is final." The resonating thud of his gavel followed.

Alexander rose victorious, gloating; I felt like I'd been punched in the gut – deflated. With a hardy pat on the back Alexander said "One down one to go."

4


	24. Chapter 24

_I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health. I said, 'There's nothing that I can do for you that you can't do for yourself.' He said, 'Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that that would help.' So I sat with him a while then I asked him how he felt. He said, 'I think I'm cured.'"_

**CHAPTER 24**

School was to start back in just a few days. There are no words to express how much I longed for those days to pass quickly. Wilkinson Academy was history; without the Cambias monies and that of several other major benefactors it did not remain open long after the scandal of my "kidnapping"; a hundred year history wiped away by Cambias influence. The dean absconded with all remaining funds and fled to parts unknown in his yacht, Lorelei, named for a mermaid of German legend who would lure sailors with her beauty and song to their peril on the rocks of the Rhine; perhaps not the wisest choice of names since his yacht was found adrift several months later, he was never located.

Talk of my Wilkinson experiences was strictly forbidden, good or bad; 'once matters were settled and the ugly business of Todd was behind us'; Alexander's words, not mine. It was also becoming increasingly taboo to mention Claire due in part to Alexander's theory of avoidance, 'if it is not discussed it did not happen and the reverse also applied; 'if you speak of something often enough it becomes true'; these were the primary principles Alexander used for his own piece of mind and with his money they proved, for the most part, to be true.

Michael and I would attend the Brunswick school for boys, a military style school with no formal ties to any armed forces. The families that used schools such as Brunswick did not allow their sons to serve their country; their blood was never to be spilled for the protection of others only capitalism ruled and the protection of the family name; they sought only a good education with the added benefit of a stiff dose of structure and discipline. Under normal circumstances a boy needed to be ten to attend but as usual exceptions were made. Michael was moved ahead one grade level even though he was by no means ready for advancement; tutors were brought in to help him catch up. All these changes were difficult for him not the least of which was leaving Lyn behind; they shared a connection I, to be honest, envied. Their knowing glances and inside jokes left me on the sidelines; they were always in tune with each other sensing joy or discomfort long before anyone else.

Alexander figured Michael's presence would have a positive effect on me, that I would be less likely to do something stupid if he was by my side, the man was not completely wrong however he did not take into account how these changes would affect Michael; or perhaps he did and just didn't care. It pained me to watch him grow frustrated attempting work he was not capable of doing for the sole purpose of my well being. He was not comfortable being thrown in with older, larger boys and at night I would hear him cry himself to sleep; come morning he would be all smiles and mischief trying his best to cover his unhappiness and in return I did my best to protect him and be a good brother, knowing full well I was the cause of his misery.

In addition to Michael, Alexander sent along several of Chase Mathew's men, they were added to the security staff at the school and were given explicit instructions – under no circumstances were we to leave the campus and each and every person we came in contact with needed an extensive background check with all information going to Alexander. Little did my dear father know that just the mere knowledge of these rules forced me to make it my utmost goal to defy them. Rules after all, especially Alexander's rules were meant to be broken.

Before leaving for school there was one thing I wanted… no, needed to do; I had been unable to attend the service held in my mother's, honor. Of course there were no church services, just an elaborate wake at a local funeral home forcing the main street to be shut down due to the sheer magnitude of….. mourners? No, these people did not mourn Claire, there were just a handful of us who actually mourned her passing and Katherine was the only one in attendance, everyone else simply wanted to please the _mighty_ Mr. Cambias in hopes of garnering a future favor. There was no grave to visit, no place for me to say my goodbyes her cremated body rested in a decorative urn placed prominently over the fireplace in Alexander's study. Each time I saw it there a lump would form in the pit of my stomach; what kind of hell was this; trapped in a room with the man she hated most. The only place left to feel her presence and properly say my goodbyes would be the studio where she spent most of her time while at home. Until now I did not have the courage to enter, many times I approached the dark mahogany door placing my hand on the knob unable to twist the brass orb; I couldn't bring myself to see her work, couldn't smell those smells it would be too painful, but with just a few remaining days before leaving it was now or possibly never. Drawing a deep breathe I closed my eyes picturing the room as I remembered it, the knob felt cool beneath my sweaty fingers, the door let out a quiet moan as I pressed it open. Before opening my eyes I was struck by the smell, not one of paint and turpentine or of her beloved gardenias but of bleach and disinfectant, upon opening my eyes I felt void of all life, hollow, empty…as the now barren room. Awareness crashed through me in waves as I realized there was nothing left of Claire. I folded to the floor lacking the strength or desire to stand. My body shuddered as the first gut wrenching sob escaped, I didn't want this, not tears, I tried to stop but couldn't, each time I thought I had regained control an image would flash of a past moment lost forever or a dream shared of our future life now shattered. My sides and head ached; I simply wanted the pain to go away.

A tender voice pierced my misery "You're gonna be OK big brother."

I felt the soft touch of Lyn's hand on my shoulder but lacked the ability to answer. I tried to pull away but my attempts proved pointless, with each tug she pulled me closer, held me tighter; I didn't want her to see me like this, weak and sobbing, I was the strong big brother not some damn baby.

"Alex, its okay to cry, let someone hold your hand, that's what loved ones are for. I know you're strong and can fight the big fight but even heroes need their side-kick. Let me be your Merlin, let me make it better."

"Believe me Lyn, no one wants to share this, your better off just leaving me be; pain will be your only reward; I know this first hand, I don't want to see anyone else get hurt."

"Isn't that up to me to decide? You think you're gonna make my decisions for me? I don't think so; God gave me my faith and I know you will come out on top you just need a little guidance and since you won't ask for it I'm here to see that your get it. The walls your building won't keep out sadness but they will keep out happiness. What kind of life is that?"

"A life that keeps others safe, don't you get it? Everyone else is expendable; in Alexander's eyes only I am worth saving and believe me I'm not that special."

"Tell me something I don't know, brother." Without looking I could hear the smile in her words; a smile that was infectious. She bounced up from the floor "Lets get out of here and go riding; this is no way to remember Claire."

My reluctance was evident but she persisted.

"I'll meet you at the stables in fifteen minutes; make sure they saddle up Rio for me. I know you don't think your up for this but trust me it will be exactly what you need." She raced out the door looking every bit the eight year old, sometimes it was easy to forget she was still a child her empathy was deceiving. Her head popped round the doorframe and with a huge grin she added "Don't keep me waiting!"

Gazing around the room one last time I knew there was nothing left there for me, stripped bare the room looked small and unimpressive, I had hoped to come away with a piece of Claire but left empty.

The bustle of the stable did prove distracting; I pulled Rio from his stall and prepared him for the trail then grabbed my horse, Black Jack, and was just finishing up when Lyn came in all smiles "You ready big brother?"

"I am if you are. What were you all fired up to go get anyway? Got something good in that backpack of yours?"

"You'll see when I'm ready to show you; Race you to the big rock, ready, set" before she said go she was off. I did my best to keep up but she was on fire.

"You're a little rusty there brother; I haven't beaten you that badly before."

"It has been awhile; I forgot how much I enjoy this. Thank you Lyn you always seem to know just what I need."

"No getting all gooey on me brother, just follow me and keep up!"

She took off again threading her way into the woods with a determination I'd not witnessed in her before; no longer on the well worn trails we climbed higher and higher until Lyn dismounted, tying Rio to a branch. "This is as far as we go with these guys now it's our turn."

"What have you got in mind Lyn?" I looked up at the rock wall before us "Are you sure you know what your doing?"

She looked at me with an exasperated stare "Now Alex you know better than to ask me that. Are you coming or are you afraid to be bested by your little sister?"

"I'm coming, you've certainly got my curiosity peaked and no little sister of mine is gonna beat me at anything. There was a playfulness to my words that caused a smile to spread across Lyn's face and we both laughed. It felt good to laugh, it had been so long.

The climb was steep but doable with many crevices for our feet and hands and only about 25 feet. I reached the top first and immediately turned to pull Lyn up. Once she was safely grounded I took a look around amazed at the beauty before us.

"I had no idea this was here, it's spectacular." These were the only words to escape me for countless minutes; I was mesmerized. The sheer drop on the other side gave a 180 degree view. The river sparkled with the light of jewels as it wound its way through the country side. Some of the trees were just beginning to change color, reflecting in the bright blue of the water. The sight was serene and brought peace to my soul.

My first coherent thought was of Claire; if only Claire could have painted this she would have captured its beauty.

As if Lyn read my mind she said "Claire painted this last year, it was my favorite."

With a tilt of my head I looked at Lyn questioningly "She did? Where is it?" I was eager for any bit of Claire I could get; I was missing her so.

"I'm not sure but I think Father destroyed it after she died, he was drinking and very angry; I watched him shred them one by one till they were all gone."

Stillness settled back over us as we lost ourselves in the view mad our memories of Claire. Lyn was the first to break the quiet, she spoke softly. "I followed her here once, she was very upset, when she reached the top she went straight to the edge, ready to jump. I spoke and she turned to me begging me to leave; I of course refused and eventually she began talking. Through her sobs she told me this was the last place she wanted to see before she died. She wanted this beauty with her forever."

I looked at Lyn in disbelief for now I knew what was in her pack. She reached in and pulled out the urn, passing it to me. "I think you know what to do with this."

We stood together at the precipice and poured out the ashes. The wind caught the lightest particles and carried them away gracefully. I felt light, as if it was me being released to the wind. Turning to Lyn we embraced, silent tears tumbled over our dirt covered cheeks "Thank you, Lyn thank you."

6


	25. Chapter 25

_Author's note: This was by far the darkest and most difficult chapter for me to write. _

**Chapter 25**

Calmness claimed the next few years for our dysfunctional family; which on the whole translates into…things were going Alexander's way with very little excess effort. School became my one true constant; always fearful to let my mind wander I buried myself in school work. The more they threw at me the better and I excelled in every subject. There was a downside to my stellar scholastic performance and that was the pride it brought to Alexander. Each time reports cards came out he would visit the school usually with some extravagant gift in my honor. The rec-room was full of these, everything from air hockey to a juke box, making me everyone's best pal. Michael would stand off to the side envious of the attention I was being smothered with. School did not come easy for him and he struggled to come away with C's. These were met with disinterest which, for Michael, was worse than rage; all he wanted was to be noticed, this in stark contrast to my desire to be unnoticed.

Lights out – now that was the worst time of day. Our building was supposed to go dark at nine o'clock with the day starting early; group exercise and a morning run before breakfast which was served promptly at 6:30. Sleep did not come easy for me and I have never required more than six hours with most nights making do with far less. In fact, closing my eyes before being completely exhausted was torture; visions of Claire tumbling over the banister and Mark's brains splattered over our driveway would play over and over in my head. Try as I might to push these from my mind they would return again and again. I would lay there waiting for Michael to fall asleep, doing my best to occupy my thoughts by silently reciting Yeats or the lines to Macbeth or Hamlet. Once I was certain he had nodded off I would dress and sneak down the back stairs and out the basement door. Alexander had arranged for several of Chase's men to be on campus, fortunately for me they felt their superior talents were being pitifully wasted babysitting a spoiled rich kid; their annoyance was evident in the cavalier way they watched. I slipped past them night after night while they remained oblivious. My first stop was always the senior dorms, they were allowed two extra hours of light and most were eager to beat me at poker. After pocketing a few extra dollars I would head to the local diner. Marion, the owner, made **the** best apple pie I have ever eaten and I'd wash it down with a tall glass of ice cold milk. By now I would be sufficiently exhausted and sneak back ready for bed. It was rare, but every once in a while I would fall asleep early, these nights were the worst; the nightmares would start almost immediately. On one particular night I nodded off quickly and my dream to an unexpected turn.

Alexander is looking extraordinarily pleased as he stands over what appears to be a body. It, the body, is unrecognizable. Male, female, young, old; it's impossible to tell. The corpse is far too mutilated; there is blood everywhere. My attempts to get away from this gruesome sight are hampered by Alexander repeatedly stepping in front of me, all the time he is wearing his devilish grin. Agitation takes hold as I pace from corner to corner trying to calculate an exit strategy; I fear there is none. My voice cracks as I demand "Who have you hurt now?"

"Alex, relax." Alexander releases the words slowly "Does it really matter?" An exasperated sigh passes his lips "We destroy those who get in our way, you know that."

"You do; not me. I am nothing like you!"

"Ah, but you are just like me. You think you can escape your chosen path but you never will; it is your destiny." His laughter grows louder and louder, echoing around me. "Wrestle with it all you want but it's inside you, it lives and grows inside you with each breath; it's who you are. Look, look at yourself boy!"

Alexander turns me toward a mirror in the corner; moving closer and closer my mind cannot comprehend what I see; it's me, I know that but, – I am covered, covered in blood.

"You see Alex; see the things you are capable of." His laughter fills my ears. "You are my son, my flesh and blood; you see the world just as I do, conquer or be conquered. The things you do make me proud."

"No, I did not do this. I couldn't do this! Let me out. I didn't do this, I didn't do this!"

"Alex, wake up! Alex!" A terrified Michael was kneeling at my bed; shaking me. "Alex, it's just a dream. You were yelling. Wake up!"

My eyes burst open as I instinctively pulled away from him, trying to wipe away the non existent blood from my hands. Heart pounding, cold sweat dripping down my back; I immediately turned on the light, my hands were clean – no blood. It takes a few moments but I finally realize where I am, the dorm room at Brunswick. It **was** just a dream, but its intensity seemed so real.

"It's OK Michael, go back to bed. I'm sorry I scared you."

"Do you want to talk about it? Tell me and you'll feel better, honest you will. That's what Ingrid had me do whenever I had a bad dream. Sometimes when you say it out loud it seems silly. Try,"

"No, Michael, I don't need your help. I'm fine. Please just go back to bed."

My head was pounding and there was a nasty taste in my mouth; I had to get out, get something to drink, anything; I hopped out of bed and dressed trying to hide from Michael how badly my hands were shaking. He followed me, jabbering all the while; each time I would scowl at him in the hopes he would scurry back to his bed but he persisted, finally I reconciled myself to the fact he was coming with me.

"Get dressed, I need to get out of here; but be quick about it if you're coming."

His constant questions began to irritate me, I found myself in his face, irritated and angry.

"Shut up! If you want to come just shut up and follow me. Firmly placing my hands on his shoulders I added "Do you understand?"

Wide eyed, Michael nodded as he pulled on his pants.

The cool night air filled my lungs lifting the dark cloud hanging over my thoughts; it is disquieting how a bad dream can cling to every corner of your subconscious, trying to convince you of its reality. Michael was ecstatic as we raced down the deserted campus road to the soccer field, stifling his laughter as best he could until we were out of earshot. Slipping through the small gap in a portion of the field's fence we were off campus in no time heading straight for the diner. The bright lights caused us to squint as we made our way to a corner booth. The place was emptier than usual; there was only one other guy at the counter staring dolefully into his mug of coffee.

"Do you have any money, Alex? I'm starving!"

Pulling a wad of cash from my pocket I chuckled "Of course I do."

Michael's eyes widened "Wow! Where did that come from? Certainly not dad…"

"Night time poker games, there isn't a senior on campus that doesn't want their chance to beat me, but few succeed. Unfortunately I need to let a few of them win or the pool will dry up; but never the cocky ones, they deserve to be brought down a peg or two."

"You mean you sneak out all the time?"

"Yup."

Marion approached, grinning from ear to ear "Hi sweetie, thought you weren't coming tonight and to think I'd made a fresh pie, late, so it would still be warm, Aren't you gonna introduce me to your friend?" she finished with a playful wink.

"Marion this is my brother, Michael. Michael, Marion."

She watched as Michael let out a huge yawn "Guess he's not a night owl like you sweetie."

"Don't know many who are; but I do know I must have a piece of that pie. Michael what are you in the mood for? Order anything you want" I knew he was looking at the menu in amazement, we were never allowed to eat most of the stuff listed.

"Anything Alex? I'm pretty hungry."

"Whatever you want is OK with me."

"In that case I'll have a cheeseburger and a hot dog and a large order of French fries and a strawberry milkshake, please. Oh and some onion rings."

Marion and I exchanged amused glances as Michael sat there looking rather pleased with himself. "What?" he sputtered "I can't make up my mind."

Michael plunked a coin in the juke box at our table and sang loudly to Queen's 'We Are the Champions' which attracted the attention of the man at the counter. He turned and studied us, never changing his glum appearance.

Rain began to ping noisily off the diner's metal roof just as the food began to arrive, making conversation nearly impossible. That was OK since Michael plowed in with gusto. It was a complete pleasure to see him scoffing down his selections. My pie came last, per my request, and I savored each and every bite of the extra large slice. Finally, Michael slowed down and eventually stopped eating all together raising his hands in defeat.

"That was great, we need to do this more often. OK?"

"I don't know, can't have you getting all fat; dear Dad might think something's up. Well, we better get a move on they'll be waking us up soon."

"I'm gonna take a leak" Michael suppress yet another yawn "I guess I should get a little more sleep."

He made his way to the bathroom just as a very loud group came thundering through the door, clambering about how wet they were while shaking the water from their coats and umbrellas. In the commotion I didn't notice the man from the counter get up and follow Michael. Leaving the money on the table I waited a few minutes but grew impatient. Pressing open the door it opened slightly revealing that the hook and eye lock had been latched. With my pocket knife I quickly flipped it open.

The man, whose back was to the door, had not heard me enter; the rain must have drowned out my sounds. What I saw caused my blood to thin as a chill rolled up my spine; the pervert, his pants around his ankles, held Michael down over the sink by pressing a knife just below his ear with one hand and with the other was trying to maneuver his swollen cock. "You're such a pretty boy" he muttered "just relax. You might find you fucking enjoy it."

Without thinking I pulled the bastard off my brother and landed a solid punch squarely on his nose. Blood spurted as he fell to the floor; exactly how long I thrashed him is unclear, but what is clear is I would have killed him if Marion had not entered when she did.

"Alex! Alex! She screamed several times as she tried to push herself between me and that fiend; finally she managed to grab my arms, stopping the next punch. "You have to stop Alex, you'll kill him!"

Michael spoke up "Kill him, Alex! He deserves it."

Marion placed her hand on my shoulders; my heart continued to race, my breathing was heavy "Now Alex, pull yourself together and get out of here, go back to school; just walk away, I'll take care of this. Don't worry"

There was a groan from the floor, he was unrecognizable, his face already swollen and bruised. As I stepped back I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, moving closer and closer my mind could not comprehend what I saw; it was me, I know that but, – I was covered, covered head in blood; a gnawing ache filled the pit of my stomach, convinced the old man was right.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26 

Michael did not react as I expected after that dreadful night at the diner. I fully expected him to become more withdrawn and quiet but in fact the opposite occurred. He was animated, no longer hanging back in the corner; he wanted to be included in everything I did and everywhere I went. Part of this was a direct result from my "saving" him. We never discussed the events except for the run back to the dorm on that rain soaked night.

"You saved me Alex, if not for you who knows what that guy would have done next. I could be dead now; if it weren't for you I could be dead."

"Michael, you never would have been there in the first place if it weren't for me. Don't be pinning any medals on my chest. Did you see what I did to him? I didn't think I had that in me." My voice trailed off as the reality set in.

"Well I for one am glad it was in you. I only wish you had finished him off that fucking creep deserved it!"

"Yeah, I guess he did." the distance in my voice inaudible to Michael.

We never spoke of it again, though I am certain the memory had settled into the darkest corners of our minds.

Several months had passed when I received an unexpected visit from my father. I was pulled from class to meet with him at the administration building. He was leaning against the door of the limo, dressed casually, which for Alexander was exceedingly rare, in jeans and a turtleneck sweater; pulling is winter coat around tightly. A look of surprise must have crossed my face because he began to laugh heartily. "What? You don't approve? I had no need for a suit today, today is for fun."

"Since when did my disapproval matter? I can't think of anything you do that I approve of. And what on earth do you know about fun? You haven't got a clue."

"Now Alex, think of me as you will but never let it be said I let a good job go unrewarded. And you my dear boy have out done yourself and I have a fine gift for you."

"You can keep your gifts, I want nothing from you. You cannot buy my love, it's not for sale."

"Alex, who said anything about love, I have no such expectations. Your hate is just as noteworthy, possibly more so."

"Can't you just put it in the rec room with everything else? I need to get back to class; besides Michael and I have plans."

"Well, he'll have to spend the next few days without you; our jet is fueled and ready to go."

"Nooo way, there is no way I'm going with you anywhere for a few hours let alone a few days. I don't think I could take it. You trying to kill me or something?"

Alexander chuckled "Hardly, Alex. You are my future and your actions of late have made me even more secure in that dream. Now, let's go before we loose the light."

"Not without Michael! He should come too."

Alex, this is your gift, there is nothing Michael had done to deserve such an extravagance. You'll be able to show him at another time, frankly I don't want that whiney chatterbox around. Now, your outburst is over. Get in the car."

The limo ride and plane trip were some of the longest hours I had ever endured. Few words were spoken and all I could image were the excruciating days, hours, minutes, and seconds that stretched out before me.

"Alex, don't you want to know where we're headed? I am quite sure you will be pleased." The look of joy on my father's face was a look I found disturbing, rarely did normal things make him happy. Curiosity was gnawing at me but, feigning indifference; I did not reward him with the question.

At last the plane touched down in snow covered terrain. We were met by another driver and began the final leg of our journey to what seemed like the end of the earth or at the very least the top. The car wound its way carefully up into the mountains until it finally stopped at 'the gift'.

"Well? What do you think? 9000 square feet on the slopes between Big Sky Resort and Moonlight Basin! Six bedrooms, sauna, game room, pool table, ping pong table, hot tub and some of the best skiing in the country, its just outside **your** front door." Alexander held out the keys as a puzzled look crossed my face. "Take them, it's yours."

Rarely hesitant, I was reluctant to take the keys. This was out of character for my father and I was waiting, waiting for…. I'm not sure what I was waiting for but it couldn't be good.

Pressing the keys into my hand he pushed me toward the door "Go ahead, open it."

The warm air greeted us as we entered. A fire blazed in the magnificent river rock fireplace which rose before me from floor to vaulted ceiling. The aromas from the kitchen filled the huge room.

"I had the cook make lasagna. You like that right? I am afraid I really have no idea what you like and don't like, can't say I pay any attention, but I do know you like winter sports, so…. There are skis and all the necessary paraphernalia in the locker room, the snowmobiles are in the garage, the skates are hanging by the fireplace and the snowshoes are out back. Don't think they forgot anything. We'll hit the slopes first thing in the morning. For now we'll eat and get to bed. It's late."

I stood mesmerized by this man before me. To say I was shocked is certainly an understatement. This was in no way my father, I had never seen him act like this….._normal? _….I think. "Why are you doing this? What do you want from me?"

"Fun Alex, that is all I want from you…..fun." Alexander removed his overcoat and gloves tossing them onto one of the oversized leather sofas flanking the fireplace.

"No, there is more. You never have fun and there is nothing you do without a hidden agenda."

"You're wrong Alex, I enjoy myself often; it's just that my idea of amusement is, shall we say, a little different from yours."

"Shall we say **a lot** different from **everyone's**."

"Well that may be true at times, but there are some common pleasures I enjoy."

As if on cue the cook walked out from the kitchen with the steaming dish of lasagna. It looked delicious and the aroma caused my stomach to growl. The cook, however, shared none of the pudgy attributes of the one we had at home, this "snow bunny" was gorgeous. As I gazed from her to my father I could tell he was hungry all right, but not for lasagna.

"Sherri, this is my son Alex, Alex this is Sherri. Sherri is the previous owner and she was gracious enough to stay on to make sure we had _everything_ we needed."

After placing the hot pan on the table Sherri eased her way toward me placing her warm hands on my face. "My, my, aren't you a handsome young man." She lingered, I could feel her breathe on my lips.

"Sherri" Alexander spoke up forcing her attention back to him "We have a few things to discuss, I'll eat later, Alex, make yourself at home and I'll see you in the morning." Taking Sherri around the waste he guided her to the expansive staircase, lowering his hand to her ass as they climbed.

Well, that was more like the father I knew and hated. Seated alone at the large table I ate three heaping plates of lasagna before curling up on the sofa in front of the fire and falling asleep.

Next morning smells of coffee and bacon woke me. The bright sun poured through every floor to ceiling window and no matter which way you looked the view was incredible. The surrounding mountains glistened in the morning light.

"Those are the Spanish Peaks. Aren't they breathtaking?" Sherri stood directly behind me, placing one hand on my back the other wrapped around my waist with a streaming mug of coffee "Hope you like milk and sugar"

"Thanks" I muttered gabbing the mug and stepping away from her pressing body making sure to place the sofa strategically between us. "Where is Alexander?" I didn't care but she was making me feel very uncomfortable.

"Oh he's out checking with everyone to make sure today goes exactly as planned. He is a remarkable man, your father, so kind and generous. But then I don't suppose I need to tell you that, the way he goes on and on about you."

A broad smile spread across my face and with a tilt of my head questioned "You're talking about Alexander Cambias, right?"

"Yes, of course. Did I say something funny?"

"No, I've just never heard him described like that before. People generally use a very different vocabulary when talking about my father."

"Then they don't know him very well. He is a deeply caring man who helped me escape a very bad situation."

"Well, you made a deal with the devil then. I am afraid you may have gone from bad to worse."

"Alex! That is a terrible thing to say about your own father. My husband, Frank, was a bastard. He embezzled money from the Big Sky project for years before your father finally caught him, yet he refused to press charges. After that Frank's mood darkened and he began drinking. A drunken Frank was a mean Frank and he took it out on me more than once." Unconsciously Sherri ran her finger delicately across her cheekbone as if the wounds were still fresh. "But the final straw came a few months back when I caught him in a compromising position with a young boy."

"Oh, I am sorry. I had no idea. I guess from your point of view Alexander is a trade up, but I still think you could afford to be a little more selective." I tried not to sound glib but no matter how bad Frank was he was still an amateur compared to my father. "So I take it Frank is in jail."

"No, he jumped bail and we had used the house for collateral. Your father swooped in and bought it with the generous offer of allowing me to stay as long as I wanted. I would have had no place to live if not for your father."

"What if he comes back aren't you scared?"

"Hell no, it wasn't long before he turned up dead, beaten to death. No doubt he picked the wrong boy and paid the price. I don't have to worry about Frank ever again."

Alexander flung the door open loudly, brushing some fresh snow from his coat. The noise jolted Sherri and I out of our discussion "Well, well aren't we in a heavy conversation, enough of that we have a full plate today."

"Grab something to eat and let's go."

"You don't have to ask me twice. I'm ready."

As much as it kills me to admit it, the day was spectacular! The old man most definitely knew what I liked in the winter wonderland department but I also gained insight into how the bastard managed to foist his will on so many unsuspecting pawns. He was smooth; I'll give him that. There were times that day I caught myself laughing and actually enjoying his company until I'd catch a glimpse of an expression or a casual remark that would turn my blood cold, stirring up the hatred within. Then in an instant he'd recover with a witty comment that would launch a smile across my face. No matter how much I was enjoying myself there was a constant shadow lurking, waiting for the perfect moment to show its ugliness, it was after all Alexander Cambias' modus operandi.


	27. Chapter 27

CHAPTER 27

Azure skies marked the beginning of a new day. During those first few clouded moments between sleep and wakefulness, I smiled, full of the satisfaction of aching muscles brought on by a day at play. Curling up in the crisp sheets I absorbed the mountainous view and reveled in the fact that I had slept through the night with nary a twisted vision to interfere. Stretching leisurely I contemplated my choices for the day, which first? Skiing, but later, skating. I loved to skate, still do; actually I'm a frustrated want to be hockey player but that was a dream built on thin ice.

A solid rap on the door shattered my reverie, Alexander opened without waiting for a response. "Get up and get moving we don't have all day, need to be out of here by 3:00 so I can be in Zurich by tomorrow morning. Sherri made breakfast again, it would behoove you to eat it or it will be packed in a bag for the trip back."

"Now that's something I…" The door closed before I'd finished "….Wouldn't mind."

I could do with breakfast especially one prepared by Sherrie; she had scrumptiously prepared each of our meals so I hurried to dress. Waiting for me on the table was a plate of the most delicious French toast I have ever eaten and believe me when I tell you finding this dish has been the standard for every breakfast chef hired at any of the Season's casinos. Sherri certainly knew how to cook.

"Wow, Sherri this is delicious! Sure wish the cook at school knew how to cook like this. Care to share?"

Wielding the spatula she touted "Secret family recipe young man, but I will tell you the orange rum sauce was my own creation." Her eyes radiated pride. "I hope to have my own restaurant one day and Alexander promised to help."

A look of skepticism creased my brow "I wouldn't hold my breath, Sherri. Once he squeezes you dry you won't get the time out of him."

Multitasking as usual, Alexander strode in from his makeshift office with the phone tucked between his ear and shoulder, three thick folders and a pen in one hand and a now empty coffee mug and a lined pad of paper in the other. Signaling Sherri for a refill he pushed the table clutter aside so he could place his folders in front of me while never missing a beat of his phone conversation.

"Shut up you fucking idiot and listen to me." Alexander debased his minion at the other end of the phone while his face turned crimson with rage. "This is a major deal and if it's lost due to your fucking screw up you better hide in a part of the world where I won't find you!" Looking to me he mouthed the words "not possible" and continued his rant "I told you to get the signature before the press leak! Now, write this down, first call Jacobs and say exactly this……" Alexander's voice became muffled as he slammed the door to his office with a fresh cup of coffee.

Nodding to the closed door I inquired "Do you actually think he'll treat you any differently?"

"Yes, I do." Sherrie spoke with confidence "People can surprise you in all kinds of ways, Alex."

"Oh, you'll be surprised alright just not in the way you hope."

"My, my, you're awfully cynical for such a young man and with everything you could possibly want at your fingertips. What, Daddy doesn't spend enough time with you?" her sarcastic tone was cloying.

"I have my reasons; let's just leave it at that. All I'm saying is, be careful, be very careful." Licking the syrupy goodness from my fingers I rose from the table "Mmmm good stuff, thank you. Please tell my father, when he finally slithers out of the office, I'm hitting the slopes."

The next several hours were spent in solitary bliss. Alexander never met me on the slopes nor joined me for skating. The feeling of peace that filled me was addictive; I could have lived here forever and have never wanted for a thing. Home, I felt at home for the second time in my life, but this home wasn't created by a person or an interior space, this home was all around me, the vivid blue of the sky, the exhilarating frigid air, the expansive views and the freedom…. the unlimited freedom of doing things I loved…things that impacted no one, making decisions that effected only me. As is typical, this unbridled euphoria was short lived. Our driver pulled up on one of the snowmobiles looking completely out of place and uncomfortable. I would have laughed heartily if it wasn't the signal to end my stay at this Shangri-La.

"It's time to go young Alex; your father is growing impatient."

Grudgingly I removed my skates and drove my Ski-Doo back to the house.

"Get in Alex, you're making me late. Do you have those folders I gave you?"

"What folders?" I knew full well what folders but I loved to screw with him.

Alexander released an exasperated sigh "Breakfast! I gave them to you at breakfast. They're probably still on the table go get them. Hurry"

Large flakes of snow had begun to tumble from the pewter colored sky as we made our way down the mountain. Silence filled the car making the air feel brittle, as if one word would shatter it, sending shards of anger in my direction. Unexpectedly the car slowed to a crawl and stopped. We could see the flashing lights of a variety of emergency vehicles. My father lowered the divider separating us from the driver.

"What the hell is going on?" he snapped.

"It appears there's been some kind of accident. It is difficult to make out if anyone has been injured."

"This should in no way concern me. I have a schedule to keep. Go around!"

"I'm not completely sure that will be possible sir. There are several cars blocking us, I'm afraid we'll just have to wait."

"Wait! Get out and tell them to move." Alexander lifted his hand into the driver's view and while poking at his watch repeatedly, barked "I have a schedule to keep!"

"But Sir…I don't think…."

"Shut the fuck up! You're not paid to think, just do as you're told or start walking you insolent son of a bitch!"

Obediently the driver opened the door and approached the officers.

"Why do you have to treat people like that? You don't have to be so cruel."

"Alex, it's the only language they understand. These peons aren't like us; to treat them as equals would go against nature, it would upset the natural balance."

"But, they're people; just like in that accident; someone's son or daughter could be dead or dying. How is it possible not to care?"

Alexander let out a deep sigh and looked at me with concern, his words uncharacteristically hinting of compassion "Care? The **only one** I would care about is you Alex. If that were you down there, for the very first time in my life, I would not know what to do, how to react, who to blame." He drew a breath through clenched teeth as if in pain, "Promise me you will always be careful here; I don't ever want to regret this gift to you." He reached out to place a reassuring hand on my shoulder; I recoiled, putting myself just out of his reach.

"That does bring up a question. Why this gift, what on earth did I do to earn such an extravagant gift."

His eyes lit up like a child at Christmas "Ah yes! It was that night, that night in the diner, I **knew** with crystal clarity you were exactly like me; albeit I admit, your motivations are different but that…that is inconsequential your actions and the way you think…..**me**."

I swallowed hard feeling my throat tighten, hesitantly I asked "The diner? You - know -about – the diner?"

With eyes still twinkling he let out a robust laugh "Know about it? Why, I orchestrated the whole thing. I knew eventually you'd bring Michael, though you almost messed things up by arriving so late. Frank never waited inside. He was always a few doors down in his apartment waiting for a call from Marion."

Time seemed to stand still, I felt my heart pounding in my chest, pulsating in my ears and my face grew hot. Breathing became difficult as every muscle in my body began to twist into knots. My palms grew sweaty as I searched for the car door. I'll see how much longer" was all I managed to get out in one panicky burst. Once outside I was grateful for the newly descended darkness when I vomited, while looking into the ravine at the twisted metal lit up by emergency lights.


	28. Chapter 28

Author's Note: There is one brief section of dialogue between Alex and his father that came direct from the transcripts. The scene was a flashback Zach had while visiting Ethan in his Cambias office.

CHAPTER 28

When the rug has been pulled out from under you, when everything you believe in becomes twisted and distorted, how do you know what is real?

Unable to utter a word I sat silently while Alexander extolled the brilliance of his twisted plan; how he knew I would seek out a place of refuge at night, just as _he_ would have, and therefore set up Marion in the local diner. She was an employee, bought and paid for by Cambias money, just another henchman. Michael was expendable, just like everyone else that touched my life, insignificant. If his psyche was scared, no matter, as long as Alexander got the answers he craved; and this time the questions were how far would I go and who would I sell my soul to protect? Would I go as far as killing for what I believed in? Could I? The answer was a resounding yes. If Marion had not stopped me Frank would have been beaten to death by my own hand. What I soon learned, however, was that Frank's days were limited even before our meeting and with a call Chase arrived to finish the job I had begun. With his role complete Frank had become a liability, he had proven himself untrustworthy, after all he had embezzled from Cambias at Big Sky and more importantly he had something Alexander wanted, even if only for a short time, Sherrie. The chalet was just an unexpected windfall that added to his pleasure.

Listening to my father, my mind tried to wrap itself around what I was hearing. As funny as it may seem the one thing that kept playing over and over in my head was 'all the world's a stage, and all men and women merely players'. Puppets may have been a more accurate term, with Alexander pulling every string. I had trusted Marion, confided in her; told her of my need to protect both Michael and Lyn and how important they were to me, they had always been there for me instinctively knowing what I needed most whether it be compassion, solitude or a hardy laugh. It was devastating to discover the whole thing was a ruse. Was there no one I could trust? Every stranger on the street, every classmate on campus all were potential moles. I suppose there was one thing I could place my trust in….Alexander, _my dear old dad_, could always be trusted to do the one think that would twist my stomach into knots. Michael I could trust, certainly his loyalties were with me. I could trust him with my deepest thoughts, and Lyn, the old bastard could never penetrate into her angelic soul. But what price would be paid? Claire had paid with her life, Todd with his freedom and Michael, I still shudder to think what he would have lost.

The old bastard could manipulate every situation; he had led Katherine to believe it was I who killed Claire. He had also convinced Todd which is why he confessed, to protect me. Alexander always ended up rising above the garbage pile he crafted, with his duplicitous actions. It was becoming more and more difficult for me to separate reality from Alexander's version of the truth compounded by my nightmares the truth was becoming elusive. Yet I was doing what he did, reinventing the truth. How do you tell your brother that he was almost molested because you were being tested? You don't. You lie and say the chalet was a birthday gift and make sure he enjoys it as much as you do. How do you look at yourself in the mirror knowing everyone around you is expendable on your behalf? You lie to yourself and pretend their lives would be just as unpleasant if you weren't around. How do you carry the weight of an empire squarely on your unwilling shoulders? You lie and join the cast of players, but instead of acting the way the svengali wants, you instead prove yourself unworthy of the job.

I changed after that weekend, fear no longer kept me awake; I welcomed sleep and the dreams that accompanied it for these dreams were the best I'd ever had, they were dreams in which I died. I would be in that car that had gone over the cliff; in slow motion the car bounced from side to roof to side then end over end. There was no deafening rumble, as one would expect, no terror, only peace. When all movement stopped and the dust settled into the creased metal I would see myself motionless amid the twisted wreck, but at the same time I'd be walking away filled with the warm sense of freedom. I didn't realize then that even that feeling was a dream – just another lie.

Waking had become the nightmare, everyday I'd dread my life and the adverse effect it seemed to have on everyone I came in contact with. A transformation was in order; I began to skip class and to do poorly on tests and papers, this was exceedingly difficult for me since I loved to study and read and went against every fiber of my being to be less than I was capable of, but I wanted Michael to shine and the only way that would work is if I became tarnished, or so I thought. Michael was more accepting of the family path; at times he couldn't understand why it revolted me so, but then he had not witnessed first hand the things I had.

It didn't take long for my antics to be noticed. My plummeting grades garnered the attention of my teachers, the dean and Alexander. Unfortunately the obverse went unnoticed, Michael's rising grades due to my tutelage. Repeated letters home were starting to annoy my father since he was fully aware of my capabilities and he knew my actions were deliberate. He expected me to attend Harvard but no matter what strings he pulled he would be unable to get a failing student admitted. For the first time in my life I felt in control and what a powerful feeling that was. Making decisions about me and my life was rewarding but the added bonus revealed its self in the anger and frustration visible in my father. The hat trick for me came, or so I thought, when I managed to get myself expelled; the timing was perfect, just when colleges were most interested in my performance. I got completely drunk and managed to piss off nearly every senior resulting in a fist fight. The only mistake I made was who I picked to fight, he ended up being the dean's nephew, this turned out to be a colossal error; one I regretted for most of my life.

By the time the chauffer brought me back to the Cambias mansion I had sobered up and my head was pounding, partly from the few punches that actually found their mark but mostly from the booze. Looking more than a little ragged, with a few scrapes and bruises and a swollen left eye, all I wanted to do was slink off to my room, curl up, and go to sleep but alas that was not to be. Upon entering the massive front door I could see Alexander's study door open; he was on the phone working his usual magic even at this late hour but it was breakfast somewhere in the world; raising his hand he waved me into the room. Before hanging up he gestured to a chair, defiantly I remained standing. For the remainder of his conversation Alexander glared at me.

"Very Well, Cliff. I'll arrange everything. Believe me you won't be disappointed. I'll call you tomorrow. Good night."

Without missing a beat Alexander hung up the phone, crossed his arms and spoke disdainfully.

"Tonight was an unfortunate turn of events, young man. What have you got to say for yourself?"

"Absolutely nothing, I don't owe you a fucking explanation." I turned to leave annoyed by his condescending tone.

Alexander stepped between me and the door and pressed the door closed. "You owe me more than you know young man. I have arranged to fix this little mess; you will be attending Harvard as planned and this little sham of yours is over."

"I don't want this little mess fixed. I have no desire to attend the college you choose. Why can't you just leave me be? That was the dean wasn't it? How much did he want? Does everyone have a price except me; you can't make me behave there isn't enough money in the world to…"

"It's not always money, Alex. You should know that better than anyone. But you are right about everyone having a price. I've had something Cliff has wanted for a while." Alexander poured a glass of scotch and stared into the golden brown liquid for a moment "Can't say I have ever met anyone that didn't want something."

"Well, there is nothing I want from you so good luck trying to get me to play for team Cambias."

A deep laugh flowed from my father. "Team Cambias! Now that is a good one. This is no team; it is authoritarianism at its finest." He drained the last drops from his glass and chortled. "Team Cambias, that is very funny. You may go now but by tomorrow I want you to have looked over those folders I gave you in Montana. I expect your feedback. Good Night."

First thing in the morning I burst into Alexander's study as he perused the morning paper. Without lifting his eyes he acknowledged my presence. "Well, it's about time you got up." His eyes finally rose to meet mine as he sipped his morning coffee. I tossed the folders onto the desk, glaring at him.

"Good job, Alex. You're up to speed. Now tell me why we should absorb Consolidated Products."

"I didn't read the files, Father. You can burn them for all I care."

Alexander folded his hands carefully before speaking "This is a multibillion-dollar acquisition."

My voice started to grow louder as my anger took hold "It's a hostile takeover. It'll put thousands out of work. I don't want any part of it."

"What you want is irrelevant. Cambias Industries is your future." My father was standing now. The veins in is neck beginning to show his irritation.

"I don't want it." I stated matter-of-factly

"Don't be a fool. You're my firstborn, heir to an empire."

"Crown Michael instead."

"Your brother's weak, soft. You'll take after me—the same drive, ambition. I can mold it, give it form."

"I hate you. You run over people like they're nothing, like they don't matter, like Michael. I'll be damned if I let you run over me."

Alexander let out an exaggerated sigh "If your rant is over, know this—this is your life. Until the end of your life and beyond, you are a Cambias. Own your birthright or you're nothing."

"Well I guess I'm nothing then. I'm out of here."

My father had returned to his original position as if none of our conversation had taken place. With a sip from his coffee he added "Send in Marilyn. There is something we need to discuss. You may go."

5


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

I knew exactly where to find Lyn at this early hour; in the kitchen with Vera. Vera's role had changed from nanny to cook or more specifically baker and Lyn reveled in being her assistant. Vera's recipe for orange cranberry scones was a particular favorite of Alexander's which is why she was allowed to stay on once her expertise as a caregiver became superfluous.

"Oh Alex!" Lyn's mixture of surprise and delight was evident on her angelic face "When did you get in? Why? What happened to your face? Is Michael home too? Oh never mind just give me a hug; I've missed you so much!"

Lyn's loving squeeze filled my heart with joy; just seeing her smile could heal a splintered soul.

"Father wants to see you in his study. You better hurry; he's not in a very good mood I'm afraid I saw to that"

"But I'm not even dressed yet. He doesn't like it when I roam around in my nightgown. 'A proper lady always dresses for the day'" she laughed as she puffed out her chest and imitated Alexander.

"Here take my pants and tuck yourself in, he won't notice."\\

"You always take care of me don't you Alex? " Lyn pulled on my jeans and tucked her pajama top "So? What do you think?"

"You look great! Now go."

Before rounding the corner she ran back placing a quick kiss on my cheek. "I've really missed you."

Once I redressed I stood at the balcony overlooking the foyer, watching, as Lyn left Alexander's study. She leaned against the closed door and squeezed her eyes shut.

"What did he want, Lyn. What does he want you to do?"

My voice startled her and she quickly changed her demeanor. "Its nothing Alex, he's just angry with me; that's all. Now I have an hour before I need to get ready so sit with me and tell me what you and Michael have been up to. Did I tell you I've missed you?"

Each electric smile and approving nod lightened my heart; conversations with Lyn were effortless and uplifting. The back of my mind however, remained concerned, I knew our father had not simply been angry with Lyn; she was expected to do something to 'fix things' for me but the topic was avoided like a pink elephant.

My patience gone I finally blurted out "Lyn, if father has asked you to do something for me; please don't. I don't want you getting hurt on my account."

"Oh Alex, aren't we full of our self." She half heartedly joked. What makes you possibly think I would do anything for that man?" The smile on her face seemed tense and forced as she tried to evade my searching eyes.

"He can twist things; make you think your doing the right thing when in fact it couldn't be more wrong. Don't let him trick you there is nothing I need, nothing I want you to do for me. Please promise me, please." Desperation cracked my voice as I begged her to disobey Alexander Cambias.

Lyn grew angry, a rarity for her gentle persona "And what would you have me do Alex pay once or pay a thousand times? Well I choose once." Softness returned to her words "Besides there is nothing I wouldn't do for you, brother." She raised her hand and caressed me cheek. "I love you."

"Don't say that, don't ever say that! People who love me get hurt" panic swelled in my chest. "I don't want you doing anything for me do you understand! Claire said those same words and look where it got her. Am I better for it? I think not. Please Lyn listen to me."

"What kind of person would I be if I couldn't make a sacrifice for my loving brother? And you **are** better for Claire's sacrifice, you know the depths of her love for you, there must be something in that gift that has made you better."

I was poised to continue my plea when Lyn jumped to her feet, shouting "Enough! Don't ruin our time together; besides I need to get ready now."

I paced the living room trying to figure out a way to stop her. I knew or at least had a pretty good idea what would be expected of such a beautiful thirteen year old girl. Franticly I rushed to Alexander's office ready to make a deal with the devil.

"Well, Alex I am afraid getting your record expunged is a costly proposition. The die has been cast my dear boy; you should have thought of the consequences before your little charade. If it had been any other student there may have been alternatives…….but the dean's nephew…..your choice couldn't have been more misguided. When will you learn that you must look at every angle before acting out; reflect on the possible outcomes and plan accordingly? Rash thinking will be your downfall or certainly the downfall of those you care about just look at Claire, her blood is on your hands."

"Stop this now and I'll do anything you wish, the mirror image you have craved since my birth. Please don't let this ruin Lyn's life she deserves better."

Alexander never looked up from the documents he was examining; this was simply an annoyance we were discussing, certainly not a young girl's life. "Too little too late my boy, she will be picked up momentarily. I'd save that offer, if I were you, save it for something that matters."

"Something that matters? Something that matters? How can you be so callous? Lyn matters, she matters a great deal!"

He finally tore himself away from his paperwork, pushed back his chair and reached for the scotch on the credenza. "Care for a drink? A little hair of the dog?"

"No, I want an answer to my question."

"She matters to you, but not to me, she is just a woman, or will be. They have one purpose on this earth and that is to satisfy a man, the reasons may vary but they are good for little else. And when one goes away there are always several waiting in the wings, it is good to be a Cambias son, someday you will agree. Now as for Marilyn, she'll do Cliff's bidding for the weekend and its over. I'll buy her a trinket or two and it will all be forgotten. Both Katherine and Claire have performed their duty and now its Marilyn's turn. Case open, case closed!" Alexander enjoyed his drink before continuing; "Cliff should enjoy his virginal experience they are rare indeed, especially to men our age."

3


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30 **

Monday morning dawned grey and cool. The weekend had been excruciatingly long, sleep was hard to come by, each time the front door opened I'd bound out to see who it was, like a faithful hound, but each time disappointment grabbed me, twisting my guts into knots. Where was Lyn? Why hadn't she returned home? Alexander had left Sunday night for Spain, yet another _merger_, so I went to see Katherine, maybe she knew something, but before I reached her room one of the staff came running after me.

"Sir, Mr. Alex Sir, the car is waiting for you. Mr. Alex!"

"What car? I'm not going anywhere."

"Yes, Sir. Back to school Sir." She finished with a curtsey.

"You're new aren't you? No curtsey or sirs necessary, please. Just call me Alex, without the mister."

"Yes Sir. Oh I'm sorry Sir." The young woman's face turned the color of Katherine's Mr. Lincoln roses as she finished with another curtsey.

I couldn't help but laugh as she found it impossible to carry out my request. "It's OK, don't worry."

Yes, S… the car is waiting to take you to school. I was sent to fetch you." She stopped herself mid curtsey.

"School? Didn't expect to be going back this quickly. I just need to speak with Katherine uh…Mrs. Cambias first."

"I'm sorry sir, but she is not up yet; has not rung for her morning coffee, and I was given very firm orders that you must come directly. Please, sir. I mustn't get in trouble."

"Very well, I'll not be the one to get you in trouble. What is your name?"

"I'm Hannah sir…oops I'm sorry, just started last week, and there is so much to learn."

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Hannah." I must admit to being drawn in by her eyes. They sparkled with a mystical quality, a color green I had never seen before. Later in life I did see that color while hiking in the Grand Canyon, a place called Mooney Falls – breathtaking.

"It can be overwhelming but I am sure you'll do fine. I'll give you one important piece of advice….stay out of my father's way; he can be most unpleasant, if you can manage that everything else will fall into place." I caught her staring at me with an awkward grin. "What? Is there something stuck in my teeth?"

"OH! Sorry Sir, err sorry you just aren't what I expected is all."

"I should have three heads….. or a tail?"

"Well maybe horns and a tail, you are after all the product of those two loathsome creatures" she placed her hand quickly over her mouth "I'm sorry sir, I don't know what's gotten into me I never speak so harshly and about your parents no less, forgive me, please Sir. I really don't know what I would have done without Lyn, she's the only normal one in the bunch."

"Ahh, yes Lyn she is a remarkable young lady and will be glad to help with anything. She'll take good care of you."

"Oh, yes sir….." blushing again she added "I'm sorry if I was too forward sir, it just comes out."

"Well, that's OK with Lyn or me but you better watch yourself around the others or you'll be the washer woman faster than you can say Beelzebub. Got it?"

The sharp repeated burst of the car's horn broke the morning silence.

"Please hurry. He's growing impatient." Hannah's brow furrowed with concern.

Raising my hands in surrender "I'm outta here. But please do me one favor, I spoke as I walked backwards down the corridor, please have Lyn contact me the moment she returns. I need to know she is alright. Would you do that for me?"

"It would be glad to, S-Alex. You are very kind also. It was nice to meet you. Good bye." I watched as she struggled not to offer yet another curtsey which threw her slightly off balance forcing me to stifle a laugh. Spinning on my heals I went straight to the car and back to school, knowing full well that Lyn had paid for this return trip, and paid dearly.

Several days passed before my note arrived from Lyn. The sight of her handwriting on the envelope offered a tremendous sensation of relief. The letter was brief.

Dear Alex,

Am home safe and relatively sound. With my unending faith, separation of body and soul is entirely possible; leaving my soul unscarred and ready to carry on. Please know I love you more than you will ever understand, and would repeat these actions in a heartbeat if I thought it would help you on your journey. I pray everyday that your soul will remain safe.

Your Loving Sister,

Lyn

My soul? My soul was far from safe, it was a cancer carrying pain and misery to those I loved. I didn't deserve this devotion. I felt trapped, trapped by the Cambias name, the Cambias Empire. There was no escape, no way out. Whatever I tried only hurt those I cared about and nothing was gained. Alexander could have pressed a pillow to my face as I struggled to capture the slightest breath; I would have felt less suffocated. I needed to run but Alexander would spare no expense to find me and drag me back. I'd seen first hand the lengths to which he would go with Claire. And unfortunately I was looked at, by Alexander, as more valuable than Claire. I could never run far enough.

Michael, he was the only one I saw daily, I could trust him. Together maybe we could come up with a strategy too save me. If I had to watch one more person I loved suffer because of me, madness would surely settle into the darkest corners of my brain. It could only help Michael to speed my _demise_ as then he could rise like cream to the top. Demise, ruin, downfall, end….end; I liked the sound of that. Now to convince Michael he'd be better off without me.

Several days passed and Michael and I were practicing at the track. This was one of his favorite ways to spend a Saturday morning because he could usually beat me. I never would admit to him he was better than me but inside I knew he could out run me any day of the week.

Michael's voice was full of excitement as he taunted me "In case you missed it that was me smoking your butt, Alex."

Feigning indifference I commented "You ran OK."

"What do you mean? You ate my dust!"

"Michael…. somebody had to stop to check out the cheerleaders."

"You're saying you let me win? Someday, I'll beat you so bad, you'll have to say it out loud."

"Oh….I'm quaking."

Looking full of confidence Michael continued "You should be. You lost that race and your gold coin. A deal's a deal. Hand it over." I slowly drew the coin from my pocket and passed it to him. "Sweet!" He admired the old coin. "Next time someone's after you, run, slacker."

Michael was beaming; he had just won the coin Alexander gave to me on his 45th birthday; the night of his grand party and the Chemstar explosion. It was a coin that had passed to Alexander on his father's 45th birthday, which coincidentally was also the day of his funeral. Michael was jealous the moment he saw it and would sneak it out of my sock drawer to gaze at the dazzling finish. I never wanted the coin, but couldn't let Michael know; it was a big brother's job to annoy his little brother. "Come here, and I'll show you a slacker."

We tussled on the grass, laughing. Exhausted we lay silently on our backs looking to the sky. The stillness opened the door for my conversation. "I need your help Michael. Father won't stop till he's sucked my life dry." I tried to hide the angst in my voice.

Coolly he answered "So don't let him."

An uneasy chuckle left my lips "Easier said than done little brother; he wants me to be him. I swear to God, I can't breathe. I have to get out of here."

Michael looked at me with a mixture of shock and amusement "And go where?" he chortled.

"Wherever he can't find me." I was sitting up now as I grew more and more anxious. I hoped I hadn't handed Michael more than he could handle, hoped I hadn't misjudged his loyalty.

Shaking his head in disbelief "And leave the jet, the ski lodge, the Cambias checkbook? It's all yours."

"I don't want it. Take it."

"That's not how it works. You're Alexander Cambias, Jr. till the day you die."

"I wish I were dead."

Michael jumped to his feet "Don't say that! Don't ever say that!"

The look of fear in his eyes almost made me rethink my plan but I had to continue. "Dead is the only answer."

"What are you saying?"

"I need your help, Michael."

"You'd leave us? Leave me?"

"I need someone I can count on; my brother, you. You do love me, right? Besides with me out of the way you'll get the attention of the old man. Sounds like a win/win to me."

"Don't do this to me, man. I don't…don't want to loose you. We're a team, Alex."

"Do you love me?"

"You know I do. I'd do anything for you."

"Can you do this? Put me out of my misery?"

5


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31 **

Each of the remaining weeks at school stretched out before me like the vast Nevada desert. Once the decision had been made, that I, Alexander Cambias Jr., would cease to exist; which at this point seemed to be the easiest part of the plan, the remainder proved daunting. How was I…were we going to pull this off; two kids conning the big man himself, Alexander Cambias, ruler of the universe. Of course I look back now and wish I'd taken Michael with me; I'm not usually a short sighted man but then there was only one thing before me and the thought of living in that portentous shadow made my skin crawl. Little thought was given to the difficulties Michael would bear, my vision was optimistic and I confess, naïve; trusting that with the golden child removed from the equation Michael would thrive, becoming everything that I was expected to become, but despised; everything he desired. .

Together we explored every possible angle knowing full well we had to remove all shades of doubt while at the same time producing no body, no physical remains to cry over, and no bones to bury - only ashes. Our plan was well thought out with little room for error as long as the things we couldn't control fell into place.

Finally, my junior year came to an end. Alexander got his way, as usual, and my record was clear, we were just awaiting the formality of the paperwork but for all intents and purposes I had been accepted to Harvard. As long as my senior year remained blemish free, there was nothing to keep me from Alexander's academic selection. This realization brought no joy to me; even my plot brought little comfort. It had been so very painful for me to loose Claire and now I was to loose both Michael and Lyn; turn my back on them and never seek them out, never be able to offer my love or dry a tear. What kind of person can do this? Certainly not one worthy of two such loving siblings, was my plan really in their best interest or was I just being selfish. And what of me, little thought was given to the _after_. I felt the less known about that the better the chances this would work. If Michael didn't know were I was headed he couldn't slip and give any information away. He asked, repeatedly but at this point I didn't have a clue.

Warm rain was beginning to fall as we pulled up the drive. The large house loomed ahead and my thoughts went to Lyn; actually she had rarely left my thoughts since my last visit, two months earlier. Her note was the only contact we'd had and I was anxious to see for myself if she was doing alright. Any attempts to contact her by phone were in unsuccessful; I was persistently told she was unavailable. The car had barely slowed when I was bounding out, taking the steps two at a time and nearly knocking over poor Raymond as he opened the door.

"Welcome home Master Alex."

"Yeah, yeah….where's Lyn."

"I believe she's in her room Sir. She……"

Continuing up the stairs in multiples I raced to Lyn's door. "Lyn, open the door, please."

"Alex, is that you?" She swung open the door and met me with a warm embrace. "I've missed you big brother." Pulling back she added "No more black eyes I see. Following the rules, huh? Now that's a novelty." Her smile was broad and vibrant but it could not hide the melancholy in her eyes.

"What's wrong Lyn? What has he done to you now?"

Spinning away as she crossed the room to the window she answered haltingly "Nothing Alex, I'm fine." Facing me again she excitedly asked "Where's Michael, it's been too long since I've seen him. Let's find him. OK?"

"He was headed straight for the kitchen; we can catch up with him in a minute." Standing beside her at the window we both gazed out at the garden, watching as the rain added its shine to every leaf and blossom.

Absentmindedly Lyn spoke "Pablo, as usual, has worked his magic, the garden looks fabulous this year."

"Stop trying to change the subject; besides you're a terrible liar, Lyn. There is something going on and you should tell me." Resting my hand on her shoulder I gave her a gentle squeeze "Please Lyn let me in."

Without turning her head she blurted out defiantly "I won't do it Alex! It's wrong and he cannot make me."

"Won't do what? What is the bastard up to now?" I could hear the blood pulse past my ears as my face grew hot. I should have never let you go that night. Why didn't I stop you?"

"Because Alex, you couldn't have." She was looking at me now and her eyes were filled with determination, her voice proud and matter of fact. "That's just my physical body, it doesn't affect who I am or what I stand for, whether it's Cliff or any other man I don't share a connection with, it just doesn't matter. Alex; I am so much more than that." Lyn took my hand and placed it over her heart. "It's what is in here that counts." Pausing she looked into my eyes, "You have it too big brother. You don't fit in here any more than I do." She drew in a deep breathe and released it slowly "No, what Alexander wants me to do is compromise my soul, my very core and that I **will not** do, **ever**. I will not get an abortion. Please tell me he can't make me, it goes against everything I believe in." The tears flowed freely down her small face, no sobs just silent tears.

Pregnant…my dear little sister was pregnant. How could anyone that knew her expect her to get an abortion? She couldn't kill a spider let alone her own child. I felt my jaw tighten anticipating the confrontation with father. My hand involuntarily formed a fist; rage welled up in my chest; not hot as expected but instead icy cold. Blood drained from my face as I relived each of my dear father's escapades. Window to door and back to window I paced feeling trapped like a caged animal. How could he do this to Lyn, the most innocent of innocents? This would shatter her heart; it could not be allowed to happen.

"Alex….Alex!" Lyn's voice pierced my concentration. "Are you gonna be OK? You look a little pale.?"

It was a moment before I could leave behind those savage memories, when I finally spoke my voice was flat and stripped of emotion "I'm fine Lyn, fine." Why don't you go find Michael I have something to do."

"But…Alex."

Placing my finger over her lips I silenced Lyn's protest "Shhh, I'll take care of it."

The next thing I coherently remember is standing in front of Alexander's study. The door was slightly ajar and I could here the rustling of papers as he tried to figure out his newest acquisition, a personal computer. They came out a few years earlier and up until now he had resisted the idea but he suddenly realized he was staring into the face of the future and Alexander Cambias was never one to be left in the dust of progress.

"Damn why won't this do what I want. I'm supposed to be able to get the latest sales figures. Damn! Damn! Damn! Looking up he spied me as I entered the room. "Unless you are a fucking computer genius I advise you to leave me alone, Alex." His tone was terse. Closing the door behind me as I entered garnered a look of annoyance. "Not now Alex. Can't you see I'm busy?"

"I can see that but I don't give a damn about you, Father. We need to talk, NOW!" The old man was startled by my manner.

"Very well son. What's on your mind?" He continued to stare at the screen only half listening.

"It's about Lyn."

This got his attention as he looked at me and rose slowly from his chair. "Well," he released a quiet laugh "She certainly didn't waste any time. You've been home how long?"

"She trusts me; which is more than I can say for you. You cannot make her get an abortion. She is not capable of taking a life, you'll break her."

"She'll do as I say just as you must. Now run along and don't worry about such trivial matters. She's disposable…they all are….. That's why I gave Cliff her cherry; after all I was able to enjoy that favor from Claire. But I too get to share some of the spoils. She's so very sweet and looks a lot like her sister. Don't you think?" He stood there waiting for my response. "What? She didn't tell you? Oh I thought she trusted you. Guess not with that little bombshell eh Alex? " The smug look on his face was taunting.

We stood there glaring at each other separated by the oversized mahogany desk. I could hear the tick of the mantle clock and the hum of the computer. After what seemed like an eternity I leapt across the desk sending the computer monitor to the floor. I went straight for his throat with all the rage that had built up over the years determined to avenge all who had been brutalized because of me. Alexander's eyes never left me as he casually stepped back, sending me cascading over the desktop. He grabbed me by my shirt collar pulling me to my feet. I could feel his breath on my face as we stood toe to toe. The laugh that erupted from my father was deep and malevolent.

"Seems I have you exactly where I want you Alex; never think for a moment that I don't understand how that mind of yours works. I knew exactly what this would do to you and to what lengths you would go to protect you precious sister. Your, Achilles Heal, Alex – I learned all about it that night at the diner and now I've used that information to get what I want. Granted, there were some fringe benefits along the way." He released his grip and I slumped onto the desk. "You see son, I am prepared to make you an offer – one I am sure you will not refuse.


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32 

_Roses have thorns and silver fountains mud;_

_clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun,_

_and loathsome canker lies in sweetest bud._

_All men make faults._

William Shakespeare

Surrounded by breathtaking roses, the garden was in full bloom and at the height if its fragrance. A steady rain kept the delicate scent from wafting away; under normal circumstances I would have taken note of their beauty but not today, no… at this moment I felt nothing, noticed nothing, I was numb to my core. There were no tears, no fits of anger only a quiet calm engulfed me. I guess you could say I had won; though I did not feel victorious. Lyn would be allowed to leave, the arrangements were being made at this very moment, sent off with Vera, this would make the transition easier since Lyn loved Vera and it was time for Vera to leave, she was showing signs of frailty and looking much older than her years, I feared perhaps she was ill.

This did change a great many things, how could I "die" now and leave Michael completely alone? He adored Lyn and a permanent separation from both his siblings would be extraordinarily difficult. And what of my death, the second I was gone Alexander would drag Lyn back just as he had dragged Claire back time and time again. He had no use for her child, an annoying appendage; whether it was a byproduct of her dirty job, done on my behalf, or his was inconsequential, it would be inferior, not up to the Cambias specifications. What would become of that unfortunate soul? Each scenario that came to mind was bleaker than the last. And Lyn…again she would suffer Claire's fate and be rendered barren by one of Alexander's personal physicians no doubt; he certainly would not allow something like this to happen again. My thoughts were deep and dark; troubled as a fountain stirred; completely oblivious to my current surroundings.

Hannah sat on a marble bench tucked in a secluded corner of the garden, a corner that had always offered me peace and solitude, where I had never encountered another soul and did not expect one today. Turning the corner frustration welled up inside me, my fist clenched and I absentmindedly let loose on the arbor thick with interwoven barbed branches. The needle-like prickles ripped at my flesh; I found the physical pain almost liberating giving me something new to focus on. This distraction was compounded by the startled cry out of Hannah's mouth.

In an instant I drank in her delicate features, her long hair was obviously thick and wavy despite being weighed down by the rain and her green eyes sparkled with flecks of copper as her cheeks turned the slightest shade of red. She jumped up allowing the collection of roses gathered in her lap to fall to the ground. "Oh! I'm so sorry I know I shouldn't be here Sir…..I'll be on my way."

I stood there trying to pull my tangled sleeve free "No, it's all right. Damn thorns!"

She approached "Here let me help" with a gentle touch she released me from my spiny captor "You're bleeding, this should help" and she pulled the white fabric from her hair and carefully wrapped it around my wounds.

"Damn thorns" I repeated

"Yes roses have thorns." Her playful tone was in sharp contrast to the doleful look in her eyes. "It appears they need to protect themselves from people with a grudge against beauty." She fought back the urge to smile, allowing only the slightest hint of one to escape. Her face was wet and it looked as though she had been crying but maybe it was just the rain. An awkward silence filled the air as our gaze locked while she held the makeshift bandage in place.

Not able to look away I found comfort in those haunting eyes "I'm sorry to have frightened you. It's Hannah, right?"

"It's I who should be doing the apologizing Sir. I don't belong here." Dropping her head as if ashamed she continued "But this weather….these flowers remind me so much of home in England. It helps… you know?" Peering directly into my eyes again she added "I'm sure when you are away from home you seek out something familiar, something that makes you feel as if you belonged."

"Can't say I've ever shared your experience. The farther away from here the better, in fact I wish I was far away right now." The anger in my voice startled her and she began to pull away, instinctively I pulled her back. Our lips met in a tender kiss, a kiss that made me realize exactly how empty I was and I think, though I will never know for certain, it filled a void in her as well. Neither of us was able to let go of the other, letting go would have freed a flood of emotion we were both tired of examining. We held each other tighter and tighter trying to feel whole; both of us just trying to make the constant ache to go away. There were no words spoken, as our need to have flesh touch flesh channeled our movements until our naked bodies pressed together, gradually dropping to the ground against the wet grass; I felt not merely alive but human, reveling in each breathe, every touch; muscles long tense from anger and fear and loneliness softened and melted as we relaxed into a smooth rhythm. This went beyond pure physical sensations, two lost souls trying desperately to heal the gapping wounds within; each holding the key to the others pain. I'm not sure how long we laid there wrapped in each others sorrows; both of us still refusing to speak for fear this tranquil sensation would be shattered by the sounds of our voices.

Dressing we kept coming back to each for a touch, a caress, a kiss. I knew the moment I stepped away from this lovely girl, life as I knew it, would return back to normal. The abysmal normal I had endured day in and day out for years; the abysmal normal that would drain me of all life. I held Hannah's face in my hands pushing a stray curl from her cheek and left one last kiss on her lips, lingering as long as I could before breaking the magical silence. "May I see you again?"

"I'd like that….yes Alex, I'd like that very much." Together we gathered the roses she had dropped upon my unexpected arrival and we walked to the far corner of the garden where we prepared to go our separate ways. "I like your silence Alex it means so much more than mindless chatter….thank you" We parted with a kiss and I stood watching her slender frame until she turned the corner towards the maid's quarters.

Evening shadows stretched long as I climbed the front steps and entered the house quietly. I was soaked, a bit muddy and needed to clean up before dinner. There were to be several announcements made at the table and I was expected to look the part of the good son.

These family dinners, though rare, were always the same. Once all the _children _were seated Alexander and Katherine would enter together, arm in arm, looking the perfect couple having shared a cocktail in the study. On this particular occasion Alexander was positively joyful; he graciously held Katherine's chair, making sure she was comfortable, before striding for his own chair at the opposite end of the table. Katherine on the other hand had a look of overwhelming defeat covering her aging features. Prior to seating himself he surveyed the table with great pride and lifted his glass in salute.

"To success; the singular truth." With these words he sat, ate his meal with the gusto of a young soldier and finished off the bottle of wine set before him. There was little conversation until Alexander carefully wiped the corners of his mouth, placed the napkin on his plate and cleared his throat.

"We have some very exciting news today, news that will help to catapult the Cambias legacy towards the next level of corporate domination and personal wealth and power. Alex has agreed to begin his apprenticeship immediately and we will leave by week's end for Mexico; Silver has reached its peak and it's time to dispose of those mines before the general consensus pushes their value down. I'm sure Alex will be very helpful with suggestions, and then we'll head to Chile. We should be able to walk away with several copper mines after some creative negotiations; it appears there have been a few mishaps and they are in need of a kindly buyer." Alexander let out a soft chuckle before bellowing for his scotch. A glass was brought to the table immediately and he continued "The other bit of news is…. I have decided to send Marilyn to school in Paris. She has become far too Americanized for my taste and this will set her on the right path. Vera will travel with her until she is settled and then she will return to England as her services are no longer required." Katherine let out the faintest of whimpers at this announcement; she was obviously not given a choice and I sure would hold the loss of yet another daughter against me until the day she died. Lyn's pregnancy remained the unspoken truth; though I doubt anyone in the house was unaware of the situation except perhaps Michael.

I watched Michael's expression as he learned of the departure of both his siblings. A look of panic filled his eyes as he jumped to his feet. "Why Alex? Why not me? I want to come too" he pleaded "Let me help, please. I can do this."

"Shut up and quit your whining. Your talents will not be required" father glanced at me with a bemused look then turning back toward Michael he continued. What were your talents again? Now that's a pity I'm not aware of any." Alexander's words pierced Michael's ego wounding him as surely as a physical jab. I watched as he fought to keep the tears filling his eyes from becoming evident to our father. I knew he wanted to leave the table but instead he stood his ground glaring at father but had no words to offer in his own defense; thus proving Alexander's point.

I cannot claim to have been happy with the current arrangement, working with my father was the thing I dreaded most and here I was doing just that. If it meant Lyn could have her baby in peace and put it up for adoption it would almost be worth it, but I needed more, I needed to find a way for her to vanish so our father would never find her, there was no way she would follow in her sister's footsteps; I had to set her completely free even if it meant postponing or cancelling my plans.


	33. Chapter 33

CHAPTER 33 

_To approach the stranger is to invite in the unexpected, release a new force, let the genie out of the bottle. It starts a whole new train of events that is beyond our control. _

_T.S. Eliot_

Hannah and I saw each other again; the night before I left for my little journey to hell. We arranged to rendezvous in the guest house. She arrived ahead of me and had set out a wonderful "picnic" of the most delicious chicken salad sandwiches with avocado, a personal favorite, and tall glasses of iced lemonade to finish things off Vera's fresh baked shortbread. The flicker of candles made the room warm and inviting.

"Wow this looks great! Thanks." I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her delicate frame. Nuzzling her neck I could detect the slightest scent "Ahh roses"

"Glad you like; now the fragrance reminds me of more than home." Her voice was cautious "I hope you don't mind; I fixed some supper, you haven't been eating and thought maybe…."

"Mind? Why would I mind? My stomach's been twisted in knots at the prospect of traveling with my father; day after day, night after night with that hateful excuse for a man."

She pulled back ever so slightly from my embrace and thoughtfully studied my face "You know we all hate our parents sometimes. Maybe he's not really as bad as you think. Please don't take it the wrong way but its possible…isn't it? There is good in everyone we just need to know where to look."

My hands dropped to my sides; I felt as though I'd been sucker punched. "You're joking right? If you knew half the things he's done you'd run for the hills. Like this for instance, if he ever found out about us – here - now he'd make your life miserable."

"Well…tell me then. Tell me what has he done?" Her matter of fact tone took me by surprise.

"The question should be what he hasn't done. Trust me, Hannah, he could teach Tomas de Torquemada a lesson or two in torture; but not physical, no my father's specialty is head games." I shook my head suddenly feeling out of place "Maybe I should go, maybe this was a mistake."

"Please don't leave. I'm sorry." Regret filled her eyes "There I go again letting my mouth run off and get the better of me….please forgive me I won't go there again. Stay, please." She softly outlined my lips with her finger then traced my jaw line. "I've been looking forward to seeing you for days." Moving closer our lips almost touched "Please…." She undid the first few buttons on her blouse "don't…." She dropped the blouse to the floor "let my mouth…" She loosened my belt "ruin our…." My fingers circled her nipples as we moved closer and closer. Her delicate skin and tender embrace caused my heart to race; uneasiness vanished as we gently explored each other's bodies. Breathe mixed with breathe, sweat with sweat, moans mingled with sighs; together again we helped each other through another day of unbearable isolation and sorrow.

With our hearts and minds lightened we sat wrapped in a blanket laughing about silly things that I can't even remember. All I remember is the laughter and the feeling of freedom; it was only for a moment but it gave me a taste of my future, at least what I dreamed for my future. Suddenly I realized how hungry I was, announced by the thunderous rumble in the pit of my stomach. Hannah and I looked at each other and burst into laughter.

"Guess you worked up an appetite…eh?" her broad grin and sly wink caused me to almost blush.

"I'm starving let me at those sandwiches." We sat side by side on the sofa. She delicately nibbled on her sandwich while I ate ravenously. The slightest glow of daybreak began to peak through the open window; for many a beautiful sight but for me most unwelcome. "I have to go Hannah; we are leaving for Mexico in a few hours and I'm sure Alexander will be looking for me."

"Thank you Alex, thank you for…" tears began to pool in her eyes

"No Hannah, thank you. I desperately needed this escape from the real world and you knew exactly what to do."

"So glad to be of service." Hannah chimed in with a smile and a demure curtsy.

I saw Hannah only once more, after my trip, and as hard as she tried her ability to comfort me had evaporated. Upon my return my self loathing had reached a new high and I felt unworthy of her attention; spurned all acts of kindness and found myself quick to anger. As I look back now I wonder if my mood had not been so dark, my spirits had been lighter would she have told me of our baby? Unfortunately in my agitated state the news would not have been well received and I vaguely recall saying there was no way I would ever satisfy my father by bringing an heir into this family sideshow. The reasons for my foul state of mind were directly related to that trip and my dear father's antics.

Trepidation filled me as the hour of departure arrived. Lyn, on the other hand was busily packing; filled with the excitement of leaving this spiritual vacuum as she called it; confident that wherever she ended up would be a far better place than this. Any place without our father would be favorable; on this we both agreed. As usual Katherine was holding me responsible for her losing yet another daughter. I guess I was the easy scapegoat; it is much easier to blame someone else rather than looking inward. If only she had been a better mother to Claire and protected her from that repugnant man she married; would it have been possible to prevent these terrible things from happening? I would have never been born; that should have put things right immediately, being a major plus for everyone involved, Lyn would not have been sacrificed… for _my school record_; the irony here was I knew full well I would never attend college; I planned on putting the world right by killing off Alexander Cambias Jr. If only I had told her then she could have stood up to father without sacrificing her impeccable sense of honor, but no…I didn't. Michael, well he would have the place he coveted at his father's right hand, and Claire….sweet Claire would be running her art gallery and living, living life to its fullest with the love of her life Todd. These thoughts sickened me and filled me with regret.

Days spent with my father were, for me, horrendous; Alexander on the other hand relished our time together. The relationship was uncomfortable, to say the least; his love and for me, twisted as it was, a macabre reflection of what love should be or at least what I thought love should be. I really wasn't sure I knew what love was anymore, maybe I never did. That summer was beyond difficult for me as I repeatedly watched my father do things, horrible things to each and every person we met. The pain he'd caused was reflected in their eyes, each one defeated, stripped of all confidence and laden with self doubt. He had even succeeded in doing the same to me. The more time I spent with him the more I began to doubt my decisions, doubt my reasoning and doubt my purpose on this earth.

We traveled from Mexico to Brazil then to France meeting with one person after another working deals; trying to get more than they bargained on giving. Alexander always had a hidden agenda, always spoke in vague concepts and made his "guest" feel as though they were getting the upper hand. One of my father's mottos was 'Never interrupt your enemy when they are making a mistake' these were words he lived by faithfully especially since he felt the world harbored more enemies than friends.

Arriving in France I was surprised we did not stay in the house where I was born, it was still part of the Cambias estate but Alexander said we needed to be closer to out business contacts in the city, so we booked a suite of rooms on the top floor of Le Bristol. I found the rooms to be stuffy and formal a far cry from my taste but dear old dad seemed pleased. Everyone certainly knew who he was and his likes and dislikes which in turn made Alexander puff up with arrogance.

The night of our arrival we were scheduled to connect with an acquaintance of Alexander's. I was given no background information which should have set off all the bells and whistles in my brain but there were none. As we sat down Claude, the bartender immediately pulled a bottle of his finest cognac from a hidden corner and showed it to Alexander. With a nod he raised two fingers and Claude quickly grabbed a second glass.

"I don't want that Father. I'd prefer a beer – Heineken – bottle." His look of disdain brought me remarkable pleasure.

"We don't drink beer Alex, especially from a bottle." The pinched look on his face showcased his haughtiness perfectly. With a wave of his hand Claude returned the bottle to its cooler and placed the cognac in front of me. "This is what we drink my boy. It's a special vintage from a very small distiller." He took a sip and let the tea colored liquid sit in his mouth for a moment. "This is here just for me and you would be foolish not to partake."

"Thank you…NO. Claude, beer please." I carefully poured Alexander's prized cognac into the ashtray with a cocky grin. "That's what I think of your precious cognac."

"Aren't we feisty tonight, well I see my friend has arrived just in time for me to leave you with your foul mood and green bottle. Enjoy your….beer." A slight shiver of disgust traveled the length of his debonair frame.

As he left the bar he spoke briefly with Claude, I assumed he was giving his approval for my beverage choice; since one knows I am not capable of making those decisions on my own. I found it infuriating that I could not even order a beer without having to go toe to toe with that disgusting excuse for a man. Well, regardless of his displeasure I enjoyed that beer immensely.

The two gentlemen met at the door and shook hands. I never did catch even a glimpse of the man's face and I was a bit confused; up until this moment I had been included in every tedious and mind-numbing appointment but for some reason I was not to be privy to this one. Their demeanor was more of friends than business associates which put my mind immediately at ease; on further examination it should have sent up a red flag because Alexander Cambias had no friends, but I was so glad to be rid of the bastard; I wasn't about to let thoughts of him detract from my moments of solitude. I wish now I had attempted some investigation, at the very least to learn his name. This information would have help me to keep my world from falling apart years later; when the fallout would rip Kendall and I apart thanks to my father and his acquaintance Dr. Greg Madden.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

That first bottle of beer went down so smooth I signaled to Claude for another. I'd not enjoyed a beer since school and it was a small pleasure that had been missed more than I realized. Contemplating what to do next; it was a beautiful evening, I could explore this remarkable city or go for a swim or get some much needed shut eye. Sleep….now that would be a waste of time; there wasn't much chance of my sleeping, tossing and turning maybe, counting the ways I hated my father definitely, sleeping…not a chance. Draining the last remaining drops from the bottle I prepared to venture out on my own when a striking beauty eased into the vacant seat beside me. There were many empty stools to choose from as the bar was nearly empty but she chose the seat to my right. I tried not to stare but she was intriguing and I found myself doing just that. She reached across the bar and covered Claude's hand with hers.

"Anisette, Marie Brizard, s'il vous plait" her voice was soft and sultry; drawing you in closer just to hear. Her touch seemed to unnerve Claude as the glass he was holding slipped from his fingers with a crash. A few more soothing words floated from her tongue, in French, which I did not understand and Claude relaxed, filling her glass with ice then her beverage of choice. I found myself captivated, unable to pull away from her enchantment and asked for another beer. There were none left in the bar's cooler so he had to leave for a moment, quickly returning with an open green bottle and placed it before me.

"Ah… American. Qui?" Her hand ran along the inside of my knee using it to pull her self even closer; spicy fragrance filled my nose sending another of my senses into high alert. Touching her mouth to me ear she whispered "Je t'adore American" and ended with a flick of her tongue which sent shivers through my entire body. She then pulled back in a rather business-like manner and extended her hand and in her best English, heavily accented she stated "My name is Monique please to meet you….." with a slight raise in her eyebrow she waited for me to fill in the blank.

I answered hesitantly "Alex, my name is Alex." She made me nervous and I sucked down my beer quickly and prepared to leave. Before I could make my escape she turned my stool so we were facing each other. Moving even closer still she made sure my knee rested directly on her crotch, sneaking in under her skirt. She smiled cheekily "Now isn't that more comfortable?" She sighed. "Al-ex-an-der. I like that name; it sounds….virile and imposing." Looking me over from head to toe she added "It suits you. You will have another drink with me, Alexander. Qui?"

"Only if you promise not to call me Alexander; that is my father's name; not mine." My contempt for the bastard was barely evident in my words I was, after all, a seventeen year old male; her efforts to arouse did not go unnoticed. Under normal circumstances all the bells and whistles in my head would have been screaming… run… but they were barely audible as if being muffled, wrapped in a thick cozy blanket. I was distracted; a condition I vowed later to never allow to relapse, I couldn't afford it.

With her lips almost touching mine she purred "I'll call you whatever you want" while running her hands up and down my thighs. "You know…" She took a sip from her drink and signaled for two more "I could show you a few things; what do you say….a tour of what I like best in Paris?" She moved in for a gentle kiss that caused my body to shudder; the faint taste of liquorish lingered on my tongue.

I confess, there was considerable pleasure derived from Monique's attention. Attendance at an all-boy's school drastically reduces one's exposure to girls; granted I'd fooled around a little but those escapades were few and very far between. This summer, the summer of my seventeenth year was to have been my rebirth; released from the shackles of all thing Cambias, to experience freedom… magnificent freedom. I would have been "dead" if Lyn hadn't needed my sacrifice; it was the least I could do. I knew full well once I turned eighteen my place would be at my father's side; things were not turning out like I'd planned. First Lyn, then the incident with Hannah and now this trip; all had been unforeseen - unplanned. Monique was more of the unexpected; raw sexuality gnawing on every nerve ending setting off a cascade of electricity that coursed through my body triggering vibrations, incredible sensations that caused my head to spin. This was in stark contrast to my experience with Hannah. Our sex was soft and gentle, a soothing bandage; I ached with a hollow feeling that cried out for something, anything to stop the pain. Hannah's silent acceptance of the events mirrored mine and together we became whole if only for a brief moment.

Monique and I made polite conversation, feeling the tension build between us, until she mentioned her brother Philippe played hockey for the St. Jean Beavers; then I briefly became interested in something other than her moist plump lips and the rise and fall of her nearly exposed breasts. To be honest I didn't realize the French even played hockey but sure enough they did and her brother played right wing. Her knowledge and love of the game made her even more tantalizing and by the time we had finished our drinks I think I would have followed her anywhere. The bar was buzzing with activity but the whir of expected noise seemed muffled and distant, the edges fuzzy. Had I really had too much to drink? That was unlikely; only two beers and the last drink, the one Monique ordered, was a candy sweet concoction I would have never ordered on my own. Maybe its sweetness belied its potency.

Rising to leave the bar Monique nuzzled my neck and ran her fingers inside the collar of my shirt. My legs buckled, overwhelmed by pleasure; or so I thought. The last crystal clear memory I had was stumbling over the top step during my exit. It was at that moment the realization hit me….I had been drugged. I recall turning to see my father watching as I was steadied by Monique; he displayed a rather odd Cheshire cat grin while nonchalantly raising his glass. He then turned back to his colleague and their discussion. Sights and sounds drifted away while the sensations of touch and smell seemed to heighten. Monique's natural perfume tickled my nose and each touch caused me to shudder in absolute anticipation of what would come next. The most puzzling concept to me, at the time, was my blasé attitude toward loosing all self control. One singular thought filled my mind – I knew what I liked best about Paris and I wanted to see more, much more.

Inhibitions dissolved, as well as a considerable portion of my memory, that evening. The remaining events have been pieced together as best I could over the years. It is not unusual for the drug I was given, flunitrazepam (currently known as roofies) to cause blackouts lasting up to twenty-four hours. Within thirty minutes I was under its effect, which lasted for many hours. The exact conversations and events may not be clear but the feelings and emotions that pulsed through my mind and my veins remained with me, as if a dream. When you first awaken from a dream you're certain you can grasp each detail with clarity but the harder you try the more elusive they become. At the same time; the emotions of that dream linger long after the images have faded away. I recall feeling a passionate fire; the resulting pleasure would cause an involuntary smile to flicker across my face at the mere thought of Monique's talents; whether actual or imagined is impossible to say. This pleasure would then morph into rage commingled with the twinge of betrayal once that entire night's events materialized.

Sex, uninhibited sex, the sex of fantasy leaves one exhilarated. I recall the tingling heat that rippled through me, my pounding heart, chest and legs damp with sweat. I licked my lips gathering the last traces of her saltiness. For a fleeting moment I felt invincible.

"That was fun; qui? But this is where… how you say….. I get off." She softly laughed to herself. "Get off…….funny…no?"

"NO, n-not funny. Wh-where ah ya goin?" My words slurred slightly and I attempted to get to my feet; my legs and arms did not cooperate as I fell back into the bed; the room began to swirl and grow dim.

Slow deliberate clapping startled me as it came from the arm chair in the corner of the room. "Job well done my dear; and what an incredible show!" As hard as I tried my eyes couldn't focus. Raising my head "What the fu….you do… here?"

"Your prize, Monsieur Cambias" Monique's voice sounded far away; consciousness was slipping away despite my resistance.

"Wonderful, wonderful; something a little extra" he stuffed several bills into her eager palm "you were simply remarkable….. Alex will be pleased with my plan once he is clear headed enough to appreciate the details. I don't think there is a young man alive who wouldn't be thrilled by such a gift."

Plan? Details? Was I dreaming? Was this real or imagined? They spoke like I wasn't in the room; maybe I wasn't. I no longer saw shapes or colors. Darkness surrounded me; only sounds made their way through the fog. I was sure of only one thing - my father's voice; each utterance caused my stomach to lurch.

"Merci, Monsieur. You are very generous." Her voice softened as she added "With this one…anytime, Monsieur Cambias, it is perhaps I who should pay you."

"Yes, well then let's move along" Annoyance hardened my father's tone. He ushered Monique swiftly out the door while letting in the gentleman he had been with at the bar. Turning to him he continued without missing a beat. "Hurry up and get these little swimmers on ice. If this doesn't work as you say I need these as insurance. I've provided you with state of the art equipment so there will be no excuses should the need arise."

These were the last words I heard as the drug finally took full control and rendered me unconscious.


	35. Chapter 35

CHAPTER 35

"Alex? Alex? Wake up! Wake up Alex!" The familiar drone of my father's voice wound its way through my subconscious dousing the warm and tender dreams of Claire, Lyn and Michael with his icy tone. Despite my best efforts to ignore him he insistently broke through. Each attempt to open my eyes proved daunting as painful splinters of light pierced the comforting darkness, magnifying my throbbing head. Shielding my eyes as best I could I began to make out the shades and shapes of my surroundings; with focus came the heave of my stomach forcing me to launch myself hastily for the bathroom. Whatever I had had the night before no longer wanted any part of me and for that I was grateful. A splash of cool water began to clear some of the fog that had settled into every crack and crevice of my brain. Steadying myself on the sink, staring into my vacant eyes I tried to remember what had taken place the night before; who was I with, what had I done? But….nothing; I stood staring at my pathetic face and vacant eyes in the mirror searching for some clue and dreading walking naked back into the room where my father stood….waiting. As the walls began to spin; the need to lie down won out over my distain for that wretched excuse for a man.

"Welcome to the land of the living." Alexander boomed as I staggered toward the bed; the pressure in my head reaching a new more intense level.

"Is it?" The words thick in my throat "I'm not so sure. Since I'm here with the devil I must have died and joined you in hell."

"Now Alex, that's no way to talk to me after the gift I've just given you. I think you'll be pleased. Hell I know I would be had I been handed a free pass." The bastard was beaming with pride; he was almost giddy; this was never a good sign.

"What the hell are you talking about? There is nothing you could give me that I would want on any level. Oh there is one thing…..your ass walking out that door. Yes that gift I could live with. Now leave and let me suffer in peace." Slowly I curled back up in the covers and pressed the pillow over my head hoping, no praying, he would just go away and the relentless pounding in my head would subside.

"I'm staying right here, I put you through quite an ordeal last night and for that I'm sorry but until I'm sure everything is OK I'll play the doting father."

"You're fucking joking, right?" Grabbing a second pillow I unsuccessfully tried to mute his discourse. He pulled a chair closer, sat down and carefully placed his feet on the bed. "Hmm, where should I begin? Ah yes….Hannah. You don't think I've seen how you look at that…that trollop? Well then, you must take me for a dull-witted fool; I'm afraid you've mistaken me for your brother. My boy" his voice filled with self satisfaction "when you return home you may dip your stick into that wench as many times as you wish without fear of a bastard child diluting the Cambias gene pool. This is my gift to you, son."

Motionless, I lay there trying to comprehend exactly what I was being told. I was convinced he had done something to Hannah making it impossible for her to have children. Without lifting the pillows I asked through clenched teeth "What did you do to her father?"

"Tsk tsk son, your lack of imagination disappoints me. What good would that do? Servants come and go, each more enticing than the last. I wield power but even I cannot make every horny undesirable barren." A wistful sigh escaped his lips. No, it is you I have fixed, so to speak. You who may kick up your heels, as well as other body parts, for the next ten years at least and never fear a bastard child. I've given you an amazing gift my boy, an amazing gift. And in ten years or so when you are ready to settle down with the appropriate bride this little procedure appears to be completely reversible with another injection or should wear off eventually. But, if by some small chance that proves unsuccessful I have plenty of your little swimmers carefully frozen for the good of all things Cambias."

"You did what?" He had a firm grasp on my attention. I sat up quickly, regretting the speed with which I moved. My stomach thanked me with an uncomfortable lurch, sending me once again to the bathroom. Spewing the last remaining contents of my stomach, my swirling head felt as if it would explode. What was left to take? What gave him the right? The man had no limits, no boundaries no sense of right from wrong. Why this came is any surprise to me I cannot fathom after all I'd witnessed over the years. I had known from the beginning the lengths to which he would go, my advancement was paramount; now even the golden child, the chosen one was fair game. My body had become the target of his manipulations! This deed was not more heinous than those previous; it just made the pain of all those before me more palpable. First hand knowledge adds a depth of compassion previously inaccessible.

Through the closed door he continued. "You have no idea what I went through for this, what promises I made. The research dollars alone were staggering but my money and a brilliant young doctor with some _slightly_ unethical methods were successful; RISUG, the perfect male contraceptive. It works by an injection into the sperm's "exit ramp" if you will. This injection coats the walls with a clear polymer gel that has a negative and positive electric charge. Sperm cells also have a charge, so the differential charge from the gel ruptures the cell membrane as it passes through, stopping the sperm in their tracks. Not very marketable I'm afraid, a single injection can be effective for at least 10 years, but I figure the payoff will materialize in other ways; namely a greedy little bitch looking for cash in exchange for squeezing out an inferior Cambias heir. All I need to do is thwart just one claim and my investment will pay off handsomely."

Fury and hatred pulsed through my veins as I swept everything on the vanity to the tile floor with a thunderous crash. Feverishly I paced the tiny space feeling trapped, suffocated while my wrath grew exponentially until I burst through the door ready for combat. With one well landed punch my father lay splayed out on the floor; rubbing his jaw. He starred at me incredulously. "But, I thought you'd be pleased….."

"Pleased? You've just used me as a science experiment! Pleased? Why don't you parade me out for the medical journals" I stood before him my arms spread wide exposing every inch of my naked frame "this young stud has been rendered harmless ladies – STEP RIGHT UP - no fear of getting knocked up by the freak." Tears began to sting my eyes as I pulled on pants and a shirt, grabbed my shoes and slammed the door behind me, leaving Alexander stunned and alone. Did he not have an inkling of who I was and what I wanted? Obviously not…..if he thought for one instant I would be _pleased_ by the day's events. I had no clue where I was headed all I knew was I had to get as far away from…him as possible. Unfortunately I knew I could not turn my back on Lyn, he would drag her back to get to me. She was still an easy target, too easy; my life was not my own – not yet.

_A/N: The drug discussed in this chapter actually does exist. I did alter slightly the time frame of its invention but who knows what could have been possible had two people like Madden & Alexander Cambias ever gotten together. At least it is much more feasible than the un-abortion (Yuck)._


	36. Chapter 36

**CHAPTER 36**

_If suffering brings wisdom I would wish to be less wise_

William Butler Yeats

Scenery blurred before me as I wandered down one avenue then the next absorbing none Paris' beauty. Only faces paraded before me; fresh young faces of students dressed in school uniforms sharing secrets and laughter, deeply lined faces of old men and women arranged haphazardly on various benches; some alone others clustered together in heated debates or friendly games, ambitious faces of up and coming executives studying their paper while sipping steaming cups of espresso. An endless array of faces moving about in their daily lives; lives full of family and friends, deadlines and responsibilities, hope and normality. A life so foreign to me it seemed a fairy tale. My wish was to disappear; vanish into this crowd out of my father's prying eyes. I could probably do it too, right now. He hadn't anticipated my running out; he whole heartedly expected me to fall to my knees in gratitude. Had I slipped away without being followed? Was this my chance? Had he given me a gift after all?

Drunk with the idea of freedom my head swirled with possibilities. It was at this moment I recognized the need to stop, rest, and gather my thoughts. The day's heat had peaked and wandering the streets had left me drained especially after the previous night – _God I wish I could remember the details_. My stomach ached but not from hunger and I was in great need of something to drink; my legs were softening, barely able to support my own weight were about to give out. I stumbled into a newly vacated seat at a nearby café and with eyes closed rested my head on my forearms. Within moments I felt the uncomfortable stare of an impatient waiter followed by a very loud throat clearing. He bristled as I lifted my head "Espresso et croissant. Qui." This was not a question but more of a demand.

"Qui" was my weak response as he quickly turned to leave. "I mean no" realizing what I needed was water and shouted out "Perrier! I definitely need Perrier." Not sure if he had heard me I tossed a crisp hundred dollar bill on the table and figured he would at least take notice of that. The one thing money could buy was attention, lots and lots of attention.

Resting my head in my hands my eyes closed again; tired of all the faces I now focused on the sounds; the sharp sound of a spoon taping a cup, the tinkle of glasses and the rattle of silverware, the honking of horns and the whir of a bicycle passing close by, the chime of the clock tower at Gare de Lyon the hum of conversation. One by one each sound faded into the background as my mind focused on one; one conversation – one voice.

It's kind of funny how the mind works; odd things will connect you to old memories. For years the delicate sent of roses took me back to my first moments with Hannah, the heady fragrance of gardenias to Claire's studio and the clicking of knitting needles to my sick bed so many years ago. This time I was transported to art class, with my eyes squeezed shut I could see my sketches, feel clay between my fingers and my nose tingled with the strong but sweet smell of oil paint.

I could not understand the conversation as it was in French but with the faintest hint of an American accent. The few words I actually remembered from French class; rouge, bleu, vert, jaune were the only ones I recognized. She was speaking of color and the passion in her voice transcended the language barrier. Then I heard the laugh, almost childlike but with a fullness that was contagious trailing off to a sigh. It was a laugh I had heard before but it couldn't be possible, just my mind playing games. Upon opening my eyes I saw 3 bottles of water sitting before me and had decided I must have dozed off. Grabbing the first bottle I drank quickly letting the cool sparkling water overflow my mouth and dribble down the sides of my face to my shirt. The second bottle went down slower but was still sucked dry in moments. The third actually found its way into a glass; I leaned back in my chair and the corner I'd been painted into, yet again, began to crystallize. As much as I wanted to run what effect would that have on Lynn? Her freedom for mine didn't seem quite fair. What would become of her baby, the baby that existed only because of her willingness to sacrifice for me? I couldn't take off now. I was bound to protect her; compelled set her free. Only then could I find the escape I craved.

Concepts and ideas formed in my mind and were quickly dismissed. I could only use contacts I knew to spirit her away; sure they would gladly help, but unknowingly would lead my father directly to her once I was gone. No, I needed more. We could start with Pablo or Ingrid or Vera but their knowledge would have to be kept to a minimum, none of them could know where she would go or what name she would use. Money could always buy her a new name or a plane ticket but the Cambias coffers were bottomless and anyone bought could always be bought again. Unfortunately my reach was small compared to my father's; it infuriated me to feel so helpless to which depths I have felt only a few times since, with Ethan and Ian. It was at this moment I vowed to always have a network in place; not one based exclusively on money but on mutual respect, a priceless commodity indeed. Hopelessness began to overwhelm me as I drew in a sharp breathe of defeat. There it was again; lifting me from my self-loathing…..that laugh. I wasn't dreaming this time. Attempting to get a glimpse I turned nonchalantly and moved my chair slightly. Which one was she? There was a table of four to my right all huddled around a sketch pad; the woman speaking was not the one I'd heard; her voice was much too deep. Studying each woman's face I searched for something familiar; though I still was not exactly sure who I was looking for. Finally, as if responding to my thoughts she laughed again. I stared at the face that rang absolutely no bells. The deep red hair, bright green eyes and small nose did not belong to anyone from my past but the way she tipped her head as she listened and the absentminded way she would balance her drawing pencil on the back of her hand……. Amy….Amy Peterson! It had been seven years; but I'd watched her teach my art class for months and she was the one to snatch me from my lonely school existence and deposit me safely into the only place I had, until then, called home. And here she was seated a few feet from me. Finding it difficult to catch my breath, my heart pounded violently in my chest as emotions long buried churned their way to the surface.

Was she aware of the outcome of her actions? Did she know Claire was dead and Todd was in prison? Most of those memories had clouded over long ago; the result of my delirium and Alexander's oft-repeated version of the truth. I confess to finding it unimaginable that Todd could have killed Claire but images flashed into my nightmares of his drugged state and bizarre behavior besides the alternative was even more unsettling. At this time my perception had become so skewed, thanks to Alexander, that I was certain only Todd and I were present at the time of her death.

Lost in my thoughts I was unaware I'd been staring at Amy. Or should I say Lizette? She felt my gaze; as our eyes met she would quickly refocused on her drawings but would glance again moments later. Try as I might to turn away I just couldn't, though it was obvious I was making her very uneasy.

Her agitation finally boiled over "Perverti! Quel est votre problème?" she screamed while jumping from her chair which she proceeded to knock over. Her hands were waving me off.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry" I rose slowly and moved to right her chair. "Please accept my apology I did not mean to frighten you." We stood toe to toe as I realized what she said "Did you just call me a pervert?" A smile spread across my face as I recalled her feisty streak. She studied my face; hands on her hips in a defiant stance and then a look of recognition gradually softened her eyes.

"Alex?" her words were soft, almost inaudible "Alex is that you?" Tears collected in her eyes until a single drop slowly traveled down each cheek. She licked them from her lips then tried to wipe the streaks away by pretending to push back her hair. She moved in cautiously for a hug; at least that's what I expected but before we had a chance to embrace she pulled back and slapped me hard across the face. "Me laisser seul!"

"I'm sorry" in a louder voice I continued "I thought you were someone I knew, and obviously I'm mistaken; very mistaken. Please forgive me." How could I have been so careless? I returned to my seat with a cautious bow realizing none of her friends knew of her previous life. She was had to be careful and here I blundered in.

It did not take long for Amy to slap her hands on the table, close up her sketch pad and pass it off to one of her colleagues as a gesture to send them on their way. One looked at me uneasily and questioned her "J'irai bien" was her matter of fact response. "Au revoir."

We sat facing each other, neither one of us making a move. She paid her bill and rose to leave. I began to follow but she shook her head almost imperceptivity. Moments later the waiter passed me a hand drawn map with an address and the words 'make sure you are not being followed'. I remained seated for a while before making my move. I was certain I had left before my father could have set up a tail but I wound my way through numerous back alleys before heading toward my destination.


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37 

Smells of leather and paper intermingled; the jangle of a sleigh bell perched over the door sounded in my ears. Sight was the last sense to kick in as my eyes took a while to adjust to the dimly lit space. The moment I focused on the shelves it became clear I was in a book shop, row after row of rigid soldiers stood dressed in varying shades of leather; each guarding their contents of characters and worlds begging to be discovered. A withered and rumpled gentleman sat behind the counter; a character straight out of Dickens, his half glasses rested precariously on the tip of his nose and his balding head was decorated by wisps of hair in disarray. Cradled lightly in his gnarled hands was a book. His love of books was evident by the delicate manner with which he turned each page. Lost in its words; he did not seem notice me.

The shop was exploding with books; most perfectly aligned at attention while others were proudly displayed in cases or on pedestals; every available corner and crevice was filled. I ran my fingers over their spines as I walked deeper and deeper into the shop. It was much larger than it appeared from the street and I seemed to be the only one here. But where was Amy? This was the address on the note; of that I was certain. Sensing I was being watched I looked up; from a loft above me stood Amy, studying me cautiously as if she was no longer sure we should meet.

Prepared to call out her name I opened my mouth but the realization I was surrounded by books hushed me to a whisper. Looking about quickly in an attempt to locate stairs my eyes searched the darkened corners. When none were spotted I returned my gaze to the balcony; Amy was gone. Had she taken the opportunity to flee? Frozen for a moment an avalanche of emotions roared through me; loss, disappointment, anger each left my chest aching - leaving me unsure and shaken. Briefly incapable of rational thought I instinctively grabbed a book from the nearest shelf.

Books had always been an escape for me, Claire's reading of King Arthur, the protection of the Wilkinson Academy library and even the staff's makeshift library at our house; a collection of books carried in and left behind by the continuous rotation of help. Each offered itself as a fortress at times. With a book I could be transported anywhere simply by flipping a page. But not this time; the more I stared at the words, words in French, words I could not read, the more loss buried me. The prospect of talking to someone familiar with my past, Someone who knew the Claire I knew and someone completely trustworthy had filled me with hope an emotion unfamiliar to me… I could taste the words and hear the laughter. Claire - I could almost hear her voice again, almost see her face. My memories of her were melting away. How long before she would be completely lost to me? A tear slid down my cheek dropping onto the open page, bringing me back to the here and now. Snapping the book closed in exasperation I slid it into its slot and spun on my heels to leave almost knocking Amy over in the process. A broad grin spread across my face as I looked into Amy's dark eyes.

"I thought you'd changed your mind; thought you were gone." The relief in my voice was evident.

"Almost did Alex. You took your sweet time getting here. Thought maybe you went to find Daddy. I'm sure it would make his day to catch up with me. Is that something you like to do…..make Daddy's day?" Her tone was cynical.

In an instant my smile vanished as my chin dropped to my chest. Without making eye contact I murmured "I am my father's son in name only." Pleadingly my eyes rose to meet hers. "Please don't compare me to him." My words gained strength as I continued. "He makes me sick and if I could take everything he holds dear I would, in a heartbeat."

"Alex, I'm sorry I should have known better." She reached her hand out to stroke my face but I stepped back not wanting to be touched. I felt unworthy of her sympathy; after all I was the bastard's son and the cause of endless tragedy.

"This was a mistake Amy. I shouldn't have come. Please forgive me." Walking past her my jaw tightened as I fought back the sting of tears in my eyes. "My selfishness has put you in danger and I apologize for that. If I go now maybe you'll be safe….maybe…."

Grabbing my shoulders she turned me to face her "Maybe he won't find me? Is that what you're trying to say Alex? It's too late for that; you found me and that is enough. If you think for one second I'll go quietly you are as twisted as your old man. This place, these people mean nothing to me. I'm not saying I don't like it here but I'll like my next destination just as well. The important thing is I'll be alive and have my freedom."

"Freedom? How can you say that when your ready to run? How is that free?"

"Don't confuse freedom with comfort, Alex. I'm free to live my life on my own terms free to pull up stakes and move on whenever I want. I've let myself get too comfortable here. Comfort is definitely overrated."

"I wouldn't know. Don't think I've ever been comfortable….can't imagine I ever will."

"Now Alex, you'd be surprised. You're bound to outlive the old man. Once he's gone we'll all relax a bit."

"He's too mean to die, Amy. Even the devil wouldn't know what to do with him. My father would probably try a hostile take over. He doesn't like to loose control."

Amy smiled "You're definitely right about that. Alexander plays second fiddle to no one."

With the laughter a wave of exhaustion crashed over me causing my knees to buckle. I reached out to steady myself. Amy took me hand and gently put her arm around me. "Come on you're looking a little pale there; had a bit of a rough day have you?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. I don't believe it and I was there; at least physically anyway."

Under the loft and behind a heavy brocade curtain was a small studio apartment; sparsely decorated but cozy and inviting. Amy pressed me into a large cushioned armchair which seemed to swallow me.

"Are you hungry? Thirsty?"

"I think I should eat. Can't actually remember when I ate last. Got anything good?"

"Luc said he brought in some cheese and I think we have some grapes and…" She reached into a tall cupboard stretching her arm out and standing on tiptoes; a wide grin spread across her face "Ooow fresh bread! I thought I smelled some. Food fit for a king." She pulled open the curtain and shouted out "Thanks Luc."

"Luc? Do you live here…..together?"

Amy immediately caught the look of bewilderment and disbelief on my face and possible a little revulsion the man was easily old enough to be her grandfather. "Oh my goodness no!" her face reddened with embarrassment "He lives with his wife in another part of the city. He was my contact when I first arrived here and is the one who will help me get out tonight. He lets me keep my things here, the things that matter and I must confess to spending a lot of time here; it feels safe. I won't be back to my apartment again what's there belonged to Lizette and she is already gone."

"You make this seem so easy. How can you just pick up and go; leave your friends, your home? "

"It's never easy, Alex. It was hard when I left the U.S. and there are definitely things and people I'll miss when I leave here. But I knew this wouldn't last forever; nothing is forever. You just have to educate yourself…acquaintances only….never friends. And guard your heart. It really is the only thing you have. If you give it away you may never get it back and then the walls you've so carefully constructed begin to crumble."

But you looked so happy when I saw you today; like you belonged here. You really love what you do, it shows. And I had to go and ruin it for you."

"It was time to move on even if I didn't see you. I'll love the next thing I do too and if not I'll always have my art. It's not like I have to work anymore. This life has been generous; the fashion business pays very well and Claire provided me with some seed money. Besides how many people get to live their dream? Damn few- but I did and for that I will always be grateful to you Alex."

"Me? No not me. I don't know one person that is better off having known me; not one person. But that will change……" I trailed off in mid sentence as my mind began to wander. I will make things right. I will. My thoughts shifted from one person wronged to the next but there were really only two I could help or at least try to help. Lynn needed to be hidden away, out of our father's grasp. It would not take long for him to drag her back once the baby was born. Our bargain would be complete and wherever that child ended up it would forever be another of Alexander's pawns; used to maintain control over Lynn and me. No I needed to arrange for Lynn's escape from all things Cambias with or without her child – her choice. And as for Michael, I needed to offer him my place in the family. He wanted to be the chosen one more than anything else and as long as Alexander Cambias Jr. walked this earth he would not be fit to spit shine my boots in our father's eyes. He may not have been better suited for the position but at least he had the desire something I lacked in spades.

"Alex…..Alex what were you saying?" Amy looked at me intently waiting for a response.

"Huh? Oh I'm sorry guess I got a little lost there for a minute? I was saying things need to change." I leaned forward resting my elbows on my knees feeling much stronger after putting some food in my belly. "Have you ever felt as though you were locked in a closet struggling to escape? Have you ever gasped for breath; feeling the air growing thin as the walls seem to move ever closer? Pounding on the door goes unanswered as you plead to be released. Do you know what that feels like?

Amy studied me intently listening to my every word. "No Alex. I've never felt that way."

"Each morning as I wake and every night as I lay down to sleep and every moment in between that is exactly how I feel. If I don't escape this Amy I'll go mad. Maybe I'm already there."

Amy released a disbelieving chuckle "You know Alex you aren't the only one to feel like that though, I knew someone else use those exact same words; any way out would have been a relief…including death."

"Yes! Exactly!" I looked up into Amy's eyes and knew at once she was talking about Claire. "I guess it runs in the family. Even Lyn has become a member or our exclusive club with the exception of death - she values life too much. She's pregnant and I need to get her away from us forever. If I don't she'll be in the same position as Claire and I cannot watch that – not again."

Another chuckle passed Amy's lips as she shook her head. "You certainly are Claire's son the two of you think the same because there was always one thing more important to her than escaping and that was breaking you free. She wanted it so badly she died trying."

I stared at Amy, watching her as she nervously bit her lip knowing full well she was thinking of Claire. It showed in her eyes. "You know it was my fault; don't you?" My words were soft and deliberate "Todd didn't kill her. I did. My father just covered it up to suit him just like he does with everything. Everyone that loves me or tries to help me gets hurt. It's like some kind of curse. I wish it was me who died that night. Everyone would be better off!"

In an instant Amy reached out and slapped me hard across the face. My cheek burned where her palm landed. "How dare you say such a thing! How dare you trivialize what the three of us attempted to do! In one way or another we all gave up our lives for you and you owe it to each of us to finish what we started. We all saw the good in you; knew you could be so much more than Alexander's son." Amy knelt by my side as her tone softened to one of compassion rather than rage. She pressed her hand to my chest "That heart beating in there that is not a Cambias heart it's your mother's gift to you. It is kind and loving and needs a chance to experience all the good things life has to offer. She was so full of life, Alex and that was because of you. It was you that saved her when she was ready to give up; you set up that studio for her. It was the best gift she ever received; you gave her hope, you gave her a passion and you gave her unconditional love three things she thought no longer existed."

We both fell silent for a while as Amy busied herself by gathering up the few belongings that were important to her. Opening cupboards, cartons and drawers she pulled out some items and put others back with a shake of the head or a wistful smile until she happened upon a drawer that had swelled shut over the years. "Damn drawer!"

"Here let me help you." I stood, waiting for Amy to step aside but she kept trying.

"I can do this!" she muttered more to herself than to me as her face changed to a brilliant shade of crimson.

After watching her struggle for a few more moments I placed my hands on her shoulders and gently moved her out of the way. "Excuse me but I can't watch this any more."

"So you think you can do better? " She raised her hands in defeat "Be my guest."

Three sharp pulls later I landed squarely on my ass with the drawer and its contents scattered about me. Laughter instantaneously irrupted as my grace was undeniable.

Amy stretched her hand out to me as she continued to chuckle "Here let me help you up."

Our eyes landed on the deep blue cover embossed with gold at the same time. I recognized it immediately 'The Romance of King Arthur and His Knights of the Round Table' from 1917. The exact same book Claire had read from when I was a child the exact same book that had belonged to her father.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

With a groan I settled into the smooth leather seat of the newly acquired Cambias jet not looking forward to the one hour trip. Alexander was puffed up like a proud papa as the engines roared to life. This was his latest prize; he had spent countless hours working one on one with Serge Dassault in an attempt to design the perfect aircraft and had come pretty close. During these sessions my attendance was required. Sensing my boredom Monsieur Dassault granted me the rare opportunity of flight lessons from some of Dassault Aviation's top pilots. This knowledge proved exceedingly helpful in some of my 'others lives'.

"It will be years before anyone can top this, Alex." He boasted as he ran his hands along the fine leather. He'd been so consumed by his newest toy that he had not mentioned the fact that I wasn't around the previous day. He placed no importance on his actions and appeared ready and able to move forward as if pharmaceutical castration was a classic father son moment.

The flight from Paris to London may be short but I had no intention of filling it with idle chit chat. He was like an excited child as he tried to interest me in all the plane's bells and whistles but I ignored him, much to his ire, and carefully drew the book from my bag taking a moment to look at its cover and slowly trace the golden letters with my fingertips. A strange sensation of peace washed over me. Not only was the book a connection to my past but it was also the ticket to my future. Claire had given it to Amy just in case; just in case her plan didn't work, just in case something went terribly wrong. The tales of King Arthur were our favorites; heroes and gallantry, damsels in distress and a code of honor kept me spellbound for hours as a boy. My heart warmed as those wonderful memories were replayed in my mind. And to think Claire used these same stories to rescue me; all I had to do was get to Paris, show the book to Luc and my safe passage was to be guaranteed. A new name and all the required documents, enough money get me established and no trail back to my previous identity. I could have done it at that very moment but there were too many lose ends. Most importantly it was clear to me I needed to make my father believe I was dead; that was the only way I could be certain I would not be hunted down to the ends of the earth. The thought of my father suffering at my death brought a reflexive smile to my face.

"What on earth are you smiling for?" Alexander queried as he studied my face with a look of annoyance. "Care to clue me in?"

Each word out of my father's mouth caused me to bristle with irritation. I found him particularly loathsome today. Ignoring him I returned to the pages in an attempt to distance myself as much as was possible.

Without a moments hesitation he reached over and snatched the book from my hand. "What the fuck is this that has you ignoring me? Romance of King Arthur? You couldn't read something a little more…..present day? This looks like something your ineffectual brother would read." With a shake of his head he continued "You disappoint me Alex." Studying the inside cover be boasted "Well, at least it's a collector's item --- 1917 --- and even signed by Rackham himself; must have cost a tidy some." He paused slightly before continuing "Funny, I don't recall giving you that much cash." His eyes narrowed as he shot me a skeptical glance; trying in vain to read answers from my face.

"Fishing isn't your sport _Dad. _I'd say archery is more your style; direct and through the heart. But I'm afraid there is not much to tell. I found it at an old bookstore and since it was in English rather than French I don't think the old geezer knew what he had. I had no choice but to scoff it up." I relished in knowing my face gave him no answers. Knowing these tactics would get nowhere with me he quickly changed the subject.

"I was planning on buying you a seat at tonight's game, Alex. It's just a friendly game, million gets you in. And you'll get to meet my old pal Richard Scaife. Did I ever tell you the story of how he got kicked out of Yale?" He chuckled loudly recalling the exploit.

"Yes, drunken party…. heard it all before and really don't care to again." Disinterest overwhelmed me "Thought I'd go see Lyn instead. Don't know when I'll get to see her again and I miss her."

Alexander allowed a deep sigh to pass through his lips. "Very well, go to Lyn. After all she won't be back until that beast of hers is born and disposed of. But I require something in return."

"What else could you possible want from me?" I shot back wearily.

"In return you will start being seen with Richard's daughter Jennie. She's a little older than you and I think its time we got you out there with the right kind of young lady. She certainly isn't Cambias caliber but she'll do for a start and get you into the right circles. Once you graduate you'll be done spending time with your brother so you might as well start getting used to it now. He's dead weight and of absolutely no value to you."

"He's my brother and I love him there is value in that. How is it possible to think any person is without value; especially your own son?"

"It's very simple Alex" he turned to look at me stating plainly "He's – not - you. You are all I ever wanted. The twins are an inadvertent irritation; Katherine was never intended to be mother to my son; she had a very different role in our marriage; one she excelled at with delight. There wasn't a man alive who could turn his back on Katherine's advances which gained us insight into many a merger or hush-hush deal." He drew a long deep breath through his nose while closing his eyes as if he could smell her intoxicating aroma. "Yes, Katherine had many talents indeed." His body released a shudder as he slowly opened his eyes. Claire on the other hand… she was perfection" He waved his meticulously manicured hands in the air delicately "just the right amount of fire and innocence, brains and reckless abandon. Even as a child she would press me for things she wanted rarely showing any fear. She was the only one to fight back rather than cower; much like her father and dear Alex much like you. There aren't many women in this world like Claire but I have every intention of finding one to be the mother to your son. Mark my words, Alex, mark my words."

My father knew how to get my attention. He had never spoken to me of Claire like this and even though within this conversation he had just said he would find the mother of my son that was not what was important here. It was a rare opportunity and I was prepared to take full advantage. "Was Katherine always aware of your plans for Claire?"

"Of course, she was completely aware and encouraged it. Katherine liked money above all else and would sell her soul or her daughter's to get it. I'd only met Claire once; I believe she might have been ten or so but I knew instantly she had all the qualities I desired. Her mother…exactly like me and her father…brilliant and forthright and Claire had the perfect blend." He fell silent for a moment "Pity her death lies squarely on you shoulders. How it must torment you."

It was awe inspiring how quickly Alexander could turn a conversation and how just a few words could sting so sharply. I thought I was getting somewhere but instead I walked directly down the path he'd set for me. I drew in a sharp breathe before speaking "There are no words to describe the pain that night leaves with me but as for details I can no longer remember them. Dreams and reality have become so twisted inside my head I can't pull them apart. But I do know her death leaves me with a knot in the pit of my stomach that I wake with every morning."

"That must be the guilt son. Fortunately we had the perfect scapegoat in Todd. Only one loose end remained until today. You did see this morning's paper didn't you?" He paused drawing the paper from the inside pocket of his jacket. "It appears someone we knew was living right here in Paris. I'm thinking she may have seen you yesterday and was….I don't by her own guilt."

"What are you talking about?" He placed the neatly folded paper before my eyes. There on the front page were two photos of Amy; one recent and one from the year book of Wilkinson Academy. "What does this mean exactly? You know I cannot read French."

"You do recognize her, right? It appears they found her car near a Paris bridge and a suicide note apologizing to you for causing you so much pain. She confessed to kidnapping you and being the catalyst to Claire's death. The article goes on to say she'd been living in Paris for almost eight years and had worked for many of the top fashion design firms in the city. No body has been found" He looked smug and continued to study my face. "So did you see her?"

"You tell me." I was pretty confident he had been unable to follow me but I was even more confident that Amy had succeeded in her plan. We'd written the note together so nothing he said surprised me. "This changes nothing. Why should this matter to me? You're still here and Claire's still gone. Now, if you don't mind I'd like my book back." Defiantly I glared at him with my hand outstretched.

4


	39. Chapter 39

_A true man never frets about his place in the world, but just slides into it by the gravitation of his nature, and swings there as easily as a star.  
**Edwin Hubbel Chapin**_

**CHAPTER 39**

Night had settled over the city as a light drizzle made the streets of London look sticky and kept the acrid smell of car exhaust close to the ground. I bound up the front steps of the townhouse as the limo pulled away from the curb. Exuberance swelled in my chest as I pressed the bell. Bouncing on my heals I impatiently waited for what seemed an eternity. A cautious eye peered through a small window. In quick succession locks were undone and before I knew what was happening Lyn nearly tackled me while covering my face with kisses.

"Whoa there; I missed you too Lyn." hugging her was good; adding cozy layers to my feelings of warmth and love. "You always make me smile Lyn, thank you."

She grabbed my hands and piloted me into the large but sparsely furnished parlor while rattling off question after question. "Oh Alex, why didn't you tell me you were coming? Can you stay long? Is anyone else with you? Father isn't coming is he? Have you been to exciting places? Are you ready….."

Lyn went on and on as we settled next to each other on the sofa. I tuned her out leaning back to just gaze at her. She looked amazing; happy and with that mother-to-be glow resonating just below the surface of her skin. There were no obvious signs of pregnancy and she looked very much the child she still was.

Blush traveled across her cheeks as she realized I was no longer hearing her words "What? What are you looking at? Why are you smiling at me? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?" Quickly her hand rose to her lips.

"No, no Lyn. You look perfect." A wide grin spread across my face I've never seen you quite so….. animated is all. I like it."

"Well, in case you couldn't tell I'm really glad to see you, Alex. In fact I was just thinking about you when the bell rang. How funny is that?" Absentmindedly she reached down and rubbed her still invisible belly. "Well, I guess not too funny since I think about you all the time."

"Yeah, well I'm sorry about that. I mean it is my fault you're here. Do you think…."

"Shhh!" she pressed a finger to my lips "I don't want to hear it. You have nothing to apologize for. Would you p-lease stop feeling guilty? I'm glad to be away from that house and I'm glad I'm able to be here for Vera." With the mention of Vera's name the glint in her eye faded ever so slightly as she dropped her head.

Inching closer I lifted her face with my fingertips "How is she doing? Any improvement?"

"I'm afraid that's impossible. Her heart is growing weaker by the day. I only hope she'll last through the birth. Vera is very excited to see her dear friend Edith with the child she has desired for so long."

"So that's what you've decided to do?"

A heavy sigh marked Lyn's words "Alex, to be honest I have absolutely no idea. Sometimes I kind of like the idea of taking care of a little baby and other times it scares the pants off me." Shaking her head she continued "I keep waiting for a sign to guide me down my chosen path. It will come; my faith tells me to be patient. Until then I will make no decisions. I take that back, I have made one; I will never go back to that house." She finished with a confident nod.

I don't know why these words stunned me but they did. "You do realize how difficult that will be; don't you? You are only safe as long as you are pregnant after that you become fair game. Bargaining with the devil only buys so much time and we all know Alexander takes what he wants."

"But he doesn't want me Alex. There is nothing I can offer him that he can't get from dozens of others."

"Maybe not now Lyn, but who knows what he'll want a month or a year from now. He'll never let you just walk away. He'll watch you and just when you feel safe and comfortable he'll pounce and you won't know what hit you. And to be perfectly honest Lyn you are a little to trusting for your own good."

She rose and walked across the room to the window. Peering through the curtain she spoke without looking at me "So what are you trying to say Alex; I shouldn't try? Resign myself to the fact that no one turns their back on Alexander Cambias and call it a day. I thought you of all people would understand." The curtain drifted back into place as she turned to face me. A solitary tear rested on her cheek.

"Believe me there's nothing I understand more Lyn." Her pleading glance penetrated to my core causing me to suck in a sharp breath. "Don't for one second think I don't sympathize. He's a vulture gnawing on a carcass; ripping at your flesh leaving you stripped of everything you hold dear."

"Well if you so clearly understand why don't you support me in this? Where's your encouragement? Where is your optimism?" There was an edge of desperation in her voice I'd never heard before.

"Optimism? I'm afraid you have me confused with someone else. There is no room for optimism in the Cambias family but encouragement…that you have. I just want to make sure this is what you really want; that you've thought this through. What about Michael or your Katherine? Are you sure you can walk away from them; never see them again?

Chuckling softly she shook her head. "My mother slipped away long ago leaving only Katherine in her wake." Lyn's soft eyes hardened as she continued "what's left is a pill popping drunk that I can't save and if I could I'm not sure I'd want to. I'll miss my mother whether I stay or go. And Michael….of course I'll miss Michael we share a connection Alex, no matter if we are together or apart but…. what we don't share is a heart. I love him but I'm afraid I see things in him; things I find disturbing. I fear he's more like our father than I'm comfortable with…" She raised her hand to stop my protest "I know you don't see it Alex but its there, of that I am certain." She paused to study my face for a moment "I've given this a lot of thought Alex."

"You've looked at all the angles? And your plan is what…exactly?"

"Well, I'll stay until the baby's born and then with Vera until she's………until she's gone. It's the least I can do she's been so wonderful all these years. Then" she spoke cautiously choosing her words slowly as if she was making it up as she went "I know father will be waiting for me at the cemetery; he'll be ready to take me back. But I won't be there; no, I'll be gone before she's in the ground. Won't he be surprised?" She looked at me with a satisfied smirk as I waited for the rest of her plan. Lyn remained silent looking at me expectantly.

Patiently waiting I finally realized there was no more. "That's it? You call that a plan?"

In all seriousness she replied "Yeah I call that a plan. The rest will fall into place." The tiniest crack of a smile began to appear at the corners of Lyn's mouth as she actually heard what she just said "I suppose I should look a little farther ahead huh?"

"It is a bit short sighted." I fought the urge to smile so as not to hurt Lyn's feelings but failed. She grabbed a ball of yarn from her basket and tossed it at me. I returned the volley.

We sat discussing the options available and came up with several possibilities but each time I came back to the same conclusion…Lyn needed the book. It was the only way her pure heart could escape the life sucking venom of being a Cambias. But each time I mentioned it she would flatly refuse saying it was not intended to be passed on but used by its rightful owner.

After my forth attempt Lyn rose swiftly from her seat. "Alex!" she spoke firmly "That is your path to freedom; not mine. Now, I am going upstairs to check on Vera and when I come back I don't want you to mention again. Am I understood?" She stood there looking at me her eyes pleading for me to agree. I don't think I'd ever seen her so angry.

"OK, OK Sis you win" I raised my hands in defeat "Not another word." I watched as she walked up the stairs. When she reached the top she turned to look at me offering a bittersweet smile. As soon as she was out of site I pulled the book from my bag and placed it in her knitting basket. Silently I walked out the door leaning against it once outside. How I longed to give her a final embrace, to tell her I loved her and to wish her all the best; but she knew all that. She also knew, deep down, that the book was her only path toward freedom and I could take care of myself.


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

Alexander was extraordinarily bad-tempered on our return trip. His game had not gone well and he lost the copper mine we'd just appropriated while in Chile. He thought he was betting on a sure thing and was caught off guard; a rare occurrence indeed. Most of his anger was directed squarely at me since he was certain, had I been there, this fiasco would have been avoided. The subsequent tirade made the remaining leg of our journey unbearably long resulting in the rather odd sensation of being glad to finally arrive home. The feeling quickly faded once I was standing alone in the oversized foyer; not sure of where to go or what to do. I felt so completely out of place not only in this house but in my own skin. I stood there lost in the silence.

"Is there something I can get you?" The voice startled me. Hannah stood in the passage beneath the stairs. I looked at her for a moment trying to regain a sense of where we'd left off; so much had happened these past few months. The only thing I was certain of was that I was no longer the same person. Stepping closer she repeated herself. "Is there something I can get you?"

"No. There is nothing here I want."

Hannah moved closer as I made my way to the staircase. She took hold of my arm as she studied my face; her eyes and voice softened. "Alex? You look upset. Can I help?"

"I'm fine. Just leave me alone." With unexpected force I pulled my arm free and continued up the stairs to my room. At the top of the steps I glanced down to the foyer and Hannah's face staring back at me in disbelief. I didn't stop. Whatever I had felt for her whatever void she had filled was no longer important. My survival was all that mattered. I felt as though I was imploding, all the external pressure was taking its toll and I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold myself together.

My room felt small and cramped as I moved about restlessly feeling trapped and suffocated; thoughts, ideas, and memories all wrestled for my attention. What I wouldn't have given to switch it all off, make it all stop. Two days, two days of this torture before I could return to school; another of Alexander's tactics no doubt. Michael was already there along with my belongings; so why was I here? It made no sense other than to contribute to my hatred and self loathing which had come to define me. Corner to corner, window to door the need to actually do something took control and I decided a swim was in order.

Diving into the cool water brought all my senses to attention and caused the wheels in my head to slow. The mindless repetition of laps and controlled breathing restored clarity and the ability to think logically. I had laughed at Lyn's lack of planning but here I was guilty of the same thing. I had the how and where figured out and just needed the when to make itself known but now there were no future plans no point on the horizon on which to focus, no distant country in which I could be swallowed up, no new name or identification meticulously assembled. No…once the deed was done I was to be a ghost a specter of my former self. In reality it was no different than when the plan was first formulated.

I'm not sure how long I stayed in the water but my arms ached and my fingers had puckered. Climbing from the water the chilled night air took me by surprise. With a shiver I wished I'd remembered a towel. As if on cue Hannah walked out of the pool house carry my wish in her hand. "Thought you mind need this Alex."

"You read my mind. Thank you." I paused; concentrating on wiping the now cold drops from my skin "I'm sorry if I was a little short with you earlier; it's been a difficult summer."

"I understand; it's been pretty hard around here too. Lonely." She looked forlorn and I did feel badly for her, but try as I might there was nothing else – no love no desire. "I brought you a shirt too; figured you'd have forgotten just how cool it gets once the sun slips out of sight."

"Thank you; you've got me figured out. Don't you?"

With a blush Hannah averted her eyes. "I'd like to think I do Alex, but I also thought I would have heard from you while you were away…maybe a postcard?"

I looked away this time "I'm sorry Hannah but that's not me. I'm not looking for a relationship and if I were I'm afraid you would not meet my father's approval." A look of sorrow filled her eyes. Quickly I added "I'm not trying to be cruel; there aren't many who would. …I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression." Hannah's face reddened as she quickly turned her back toward me. "My life is not mine, Hannah you know that. I have no control….. I'm sorry."

"No Alex, it's me. I'm the one that's sorry." Slowly turning back to face me she held her head high in a futile attempt to keep her tears at bay. "I let my imagination run away with me hoping when you returned everything would be the same and that you would have missed me as much as I missed you. Foolish…I know."

"No - not foolish - just misguided." I stepped in closer to brush her tears away with my towel. "I'm leaving for school in two days and won't be back until Thanksgiving and after that who knows…I sure don't. I am Alexander's puppet; at his beck and call." Anger welled within me as my fist punched my open palm.

Hannah laughed a bittersweet laugh through her tears "Easy there slugger." Her hands rested on mine in attempt to calm my agitation. "I guess I hit a chord."

"I'm trapped Hannah. There is no future here; not for you or me. If your can I suggest you leave before things happen; things that will ruin your life."

"But Alex, things have happened. I've, I've" her voice faltered as she struggled to get the words out. Finally they tumbled out in rapid succession. "I've fallen in love with you Alex." She quickly turned away again and I moved in closer resting my hands on her shoulders.

My lips rested close to her ear as I whispered "Hannah, you do realize how unrealistic that is."

"Do I Alex?" She turned slowly, without stepping back, leaving little space between us. Out lips touched as she gently kissed my mouth. "We shared something, Alex" She kissed me again, longer and more passionately "We have a connection" another kiss – her tongue winding its way around mine "You feel it Alex I know you do. Tell me you want me. Please tell me you love me."

"Hannah!" I pressed myself away from her "I don't love and I don't want anyone or anything to touch this cancerous life. I thought you of all people understood that. How could you possibly believe anything good could come from it? I have to go." I couldn't get away fast enough. Love? How could she possibly have those feelings; feelings I did not offer in return. Not now, not ever.

"But Alex, wait. I need to……" Her voice trailed off as I hastily made my exit leaving behind a stunned Hannah.


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter 41 

Dropped at the curb on the wrong side of campus by a lax driver I found myself completely alone and tempted by the urge to run as far and fast as I could; but I knew it was neither the time nor the place. Early morning fog clung to the buildings lending them an eerie appearance. Chants from the students performing their daily calisthenics added to the depressing atmosphere. The dark and somber mood reflected my own; even though I had looked forward to returning to school the setting filled me with apprehension. This uneasiness prompted me to take the long way to my first stop – the dean's office; for room assignment.

"Ah Mr. Cambias; your father told me to expect you" casting an impatient glance at his watch he continued "though I had expected you over an hour ago. You've missed morning exercise and by the time we've finished here you will have missed breakfast as well."

Motionless, I stood staring at him; waiting.

"Well, what have you got to say for yourself? There are no special students here Mr. Cambias, every one of you think you deserve indulgences but none will be handed out. Do I make myself clear?"

I could only imagine the short tenure this man would have once a generous benefactor made demands for his beloved son; demands not met by this trite little man. Finding humor in his pompous attitude my mood immediately brightened causing a grin to erupt across my face.

"What on earth do you find so funny Mr. Cambias?"

"Just wondering how long you've been here sir. Your first week?" I watched as he swallowed hard and began to fidget with the buttons on his suit coat before stealing another peak at his watch.

"Hardly. Come along; you're wasting time." He lead me out of the building without saying a word but would look back to make sure I was still with him then lift his wrist for another time check.

"Your room is here; Devon Hall, directly across from the administrative offices." He escorted me through the front doors after the security guard buzzed us in "You'll be close to most of your classes and the library" using a key to operate the elevator he pressed the fifth floor "but this building is for those students who… shall we say…need a more watchful eye. Front doors remain locked at all times, entrance is granted only by the guard. Should you arrive past 9:00 pm for any reason you will answer to me first thing in the morning. Elevators are shut down promptly at 9:15 pm with no access again until 5:00 am."

"9:00? You do realize I'm a senior."

"Do I look like I care Mr. Cambias? I have absolute knowledge of you and that is precisely why these arrangements have been made. Your father is in complete agreement so don't go running to him."

"What makes you think I'd go to him for anything, Dean Claude?"

"Clyde, its Dean Clyde."

"Do I look like I care?"

"Here are your keys. Do not lose them as there are consequences." I ignored him, he placed them on the dresser as I looked about the room opening and closing each door. "Where's my brothers bed? We're always together."

"Not this year. You will not be sharing a room with the young Cambias or anyone else for that matter. This is a private room. I believe you'll find everything has been put away and…" he looked at his watch once again "you are expected in class in exactly 7 minutes. Your schedule" he passed me the yellow printout "You'd best be on your way." He left leaving the door open.

I stood at the window surveying the campus. The fog had begun to lift leaving just the tops of the hillside unfinished as if I were looking at an artist's work in progress. Hopes of seeing Michael today were fading. I was convinced none of our classes would be anywhere near the other's classes; at my father's request no doubt. I wasn't even sure when I'd seen Michael last. Had it been June?

Going through the paces of the first day of school made me realize how much I'd missed the day to day routine. I'd done plenty of reading over the summer but school could be challenging and I reveled in a good challenge. By day's end I'd reacquainted myself with several old buddies and was drop dead tired. A solid night's sleep was my reward, truly a prize of incredible value.

No alarm was needed in the morning; in fact I was the first to arrive at the track for morning exercise. By contrast Michael was one of the last to arrive, laughing and joking with others. He didn't notice me until breakfast.

"Alex!" Michael bellowed as we approached the building "Alex!" he ran to catch up with me and we briefly hugged. "I've missed you Alex."

I placed my arm around his shoulder as we walked "Shit! You've grown."

"Yup, I'm not the same scrawny runt I was at the beginning of summer, Alex." His grin spread from ear to ear.

"How was your summer? I'm sorry I wasn't around." I pulled him close putting my arm around his shoulders as we walked.

Michael stopped and at looked me with reassurance. "You know Alex, it was alright. At first I was really bummed both you and Lyn were gone but I hooked up with some of the kids from school and we did all sorts of stuff." His gaze shifted to one of confidence "Boating, water skiing, amusement parks, we even went ski diving." He let out a full bodied laugh "Can you believe it, me jumping from a plane?"

Skepticism wrinkled my brow "No Michael, you wouldn't even jump off the diving board." His laughter was caught me off guard "It sounds like you had a great time."

"Great is not the half of it Alex. We road dirt bikes too; tore up one of Pablo's flower beds. Boy was he mad; chasing after us until he slipped in the mud. Shit Alex, I don't think I'd ever laughed so hard." The grin that covered Michael's face was bright and full of joy. I'm certain I'd never seen him happier; reinforcing my belief that he would thrive once I was gone.

Feeling the weight of the past few months on my shoulders I sighed "Well, I'm glad one of us had a good summer Michael; must say I'm more than a little jealous."

"I know it was pretty cool!" He paused for a moment before adding "It would have been better if you were there Alex."

"That's ok Michael. You don't need me to have fun. That's a good thing. Bet there was a girl on that plane you were trying to impress."

"Alex!"

"Hey, when I'm right I'm right."

Breakfast became our ritual. We sat together that day and every othert; it was the only time we could catch up with one another. Throughout the year I watched Michael grow more confident and his grades improved even with the addition of a social life. He no longer hung on my every word and actually disagreed at times. This Michael was a refreshing change from the one our father loathed.

My circle of friends remained small; in fact true friendship was not something I sought. Acquaintances were made but anything more would only have a disastrous end. Calvin Whitaker VI was the one exception to this rule. He shared many of my views of the world; a strong desire to escape a controlling and over bearing father and a disinterest in the acquisition of wealth and power at the expense of innocents and we were both the eldest son destined to make our namesakes proud. There were differences; Cal Whitaker's family was old money while we were nouveau riche. This singular difference proved very satisfying to us both as it meant that our fathers hated each other.

Cal expressed his contempt toward his father differently than I. His rebellion contrasted sharply with my silent brooding. Breaking the law was his passion and anything that could bring disgrace to the family name was pursued. We were both sentenced to the San Quentin of dorms and had seen each other around but did not become friends until November when we were assigned as lab partners in chemistry. Calvin was brilliant and knew his way around a lab like a pro; I considered myself fortunate to have him for a partner since my skills were less than stellar.

With a friendly nod we moved to our station, listening intently to the assignment. Once the command to begin was uttered Cal busied himself with a variety of bottles and vials.

He looked at me with a cocky grin and a gentle nudge of the elbow. "Do you like fireworks?"

I returned his gaze with amusement, not sure what he was planning but nodded my head "What can I do?"

"Just watch."

Watch is exactly what I did as he nonchalantly roamed to the locked supply cabinet and, in seconds, managed to pop the door open. Removing a beaker of clear liquid from the top shelf he returned to our workstation unnoticed. Simultaneously he added small quantities of two powders to the beaker. Within moments sparks started to spurt forth gaining in momentum and intensity until they were flying several feet into the air. Students started to scream and move towards the door when the grand finale offered up a large white flash and very loud pop followed by and odorous cloud. Alarms went off and all the students were sent rushing from the room.

Both he and I just stood there. His huge grin was contagious and in an instant we were both laughing deep uncontrollable belly laughs. It was I who gained composure first "So, you like causing a scene do you?"

Cal's face glowed vibrant red from laughter and his cheek had the stain of a tear quickly wiped away "Yeah, you can't buy this kind of fun." Combating the urge to laugh he spoke haltingly "Man - that was - a good one. Did - you see - Mr. Blake's face?

"He looked like he was going to make as many sparks as your little stunt."

"Oh I'm sure he will; but right now I'm starving. You?"

Shaking my head no then yes I answered "Always."


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter 42**

Dean Clyde blanketed the lobby with frantic pacing as we entered; the scowl on his face almost comical. Neither Cal nor I feared this pinch faced man. Our fathers had the potential to inflict much more pain and we knew he wouldn't be in any hurry to report our behavior; his job depended upon the illusion of control. The punishment consisted of serving lunch and dinner in the cafeteria for one week dressed in the necessary white apron and hairnet. As each group arrived for a meal an announcement was made stating our crime and offering the opportunity to follow in our footsteps should anyone wish to break the rules. Michael never got past this mental picture; it would be pulled out and dusted off each time he wanted to feel superior.

We handled our punishment with humor and I think grace but were not anxious for a repeat performance. Cal even tweaked the normally bland food actually making it enjoyable. This proved to be one of Cal's many remarkable talents; he never ceased to surprise me and he became an extraordinary friend. He was funny; I could always count on him for a laugh. He was brilliant in ways I could never be; science and math came easy for him. His mechanical ability put me to shame; there was nothing he couldn't fix or _break_ for that matter. It was Cal who taught me how to pick locks, disable alarms and even hot wire a car. Each one of these morsels saved my life more times than I can count. I owe Cal an immense gratitude that is impossible to repay.

We'd sneak out most nights and were always able to make it back undetected. Hustling up a game of poker or pool gave us plenty of spending money and we'd often go on joy rides in any car that caught our fancy. We'd laugh until our sides ached; outsiders would think we didn't have a care in the world; but we knew better. The camaraderie we shared tinged Michael in a most unbecoming shade of green. He did not care for Cal and if we were spotted around campus he'd abandon his friends and join us, always quick to play the brother card.

"Hey big brother, do you think you could help me with some English homework? You understand this flowery shit, not me." Narrow eyes and a closed mouthed smile is all that greeted Cal.

"I'll spend some time with you this afternoon. Have to get to class now."

"But, I need your help now Alex; don't turn your back on me; I really need you."

Cal offered a full fledged smile and gave Michael a pat on the back, with a sympathetic nod he added "Don't worry Alex, I'll cover for you and you can use my notes, go help the kid."

"Thanks Cal, we owe you. Now Michael, what are you working on

**Friendship**: _A relationship between people that is characterized by mutual assistance, approval and support. _The library's dictionary left no doubt in my mind, this is what I was experiencing – friendship. I'd never had a friend and I found myself enjoying the undiscovered territory. Softly I repeated the words as my finger traced each one, "mutual assistance, approval and support" these were foreign concepts to me. I hoped - no prayed - my trust was not misguided; I had confided in Cal all my plans for Lyn and myself; not even Michael was the keeper of Lyn's information. It wasn't because I didn't trust Michael – I did – it was just….wasn't one secret enough? Why burden him with more?

Neither Cal nor I ever spoke of the reasons we hated our fathers. We both simply knew and understood and it was this understanding that prompted Cal to offer his assistance without hesitation.

"Let me do it Alex. I can make it believable, there will be no doubt." The only question he asked, true to Cal's kind nature was, "How is Michael with your 'dying'? Is he on board?"

I responded with a nod, "He is. I think he's looking forward to filling my shoes. Second place gets old after a while. It's all good Cal, all good."

Both Cal and I desperately wanted to escape the families we were born onto, but we chose decisively different routes. I offered to include Cal in my plan but he declined.

"I don't have it in me, Alex. There is no way I could survive on my own; as much as I hate my father I am dependent on his money and its benefits. Besides, if you're looking for someone else I'd say look no further than your brother. If you hate your father so much what make you think Michael will thrive in that atmosphere?"

Surprised by the question it took me a moment to answer, "Michael and I are different. I love him but we don't want the same things. He wants nothing more than to make my father proud and..." I paused assessing my words "...and if he came along and we stayed together it would end up with me resenting him just as he does me now and if we split up…well, I'd hate myself for the rest of my days because he'd never make it on the street." Drawing in a deep breathe I stated forcefully "No, Michael will be better off staying behind."

Cal raised his hands as if in defeat, "Just making sure you're thinking clearly. This needs to be a clean break with no regrets. There's no room for regret, Alex."


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43**

The school year dragged on in an uneventful perpetuity. There were fleeting moments I lost site of the prize but there was always an underlying fear of discovery that haunted me. The news of the birth of Lyn's child did filter through to me via a labyrinth of notes and letters and her desire to keep her son also reached me eventually. Many years later I learned of a few unspoken truths that had a profound effect on my life but for now they did not come into play. The letters also revealed Vera's failing health; it was only a matter of time.

Graduation arrived with no more word from Lyn and it was time to claim my rightful place at my father's side before heading off to his choice for college. The choke hold he held over my life had just reached a new level and the emotional toll of waiting and following orders made me feel as though I was drowning; each time I came up for air the pressure pushed me back under and to make matters worse I had become preoccupied with the thought of Vera's death. This obsession brought about a self loathing as it was sinister waiting for a sweet woman's death in order to facilitate my own. Finally the call came advising father of her death and of Lyn's desire to return home immediately after the funeral. Her words were so believable even I began to think perhaps she had changed her mind. There was never any doubt that when Lyn spoke you were hearing the God's honest truth; after all Lyn was known for her steadfast devotion to the good of the people and there is no way her abandonment could possibly bring about that end. Secretly I think deep down Alexander was relieved when she disappeared; he was convinced she would haunt him until his dying day to make things right. She would forever have been the voice of reason trying unsuccessfully to install a sense of decency in this immoral man. Only I knew the toll this would take on her delicate soul and I needed to know I'd done all I could to save her.

With this news I felt as joyful as a boy with a new puppy yet at the same moment fear was holding my heart tight in its grasp. Inwardly my mood switched from hostile and impatient to light hearted and jovial in an instant. I was sure my plans would be discovered and my life would remain out of reach. Sleep was no longer possible; each sound caused my muscles to tighten and my eyes to widen. Food was no longer enjoyable, my stomach twisted into knots making digestion impossible. All this churned beneath the surface as I struggled to appear in complete control. Would this be possible? Could what I'd dreamed of for so long become a reality?

In actuality the timing couldn't have been better. It was the week of the 4th of July and Michael and I already had plans to spend time at my chalet in Montana. The chalet had always been the place I imagined myself dying; the winding roads to the ski lodge were perfect for a fatal crash much like the one father and I had witnessed years ago. Originally I'd planned on winter but this would work just as well. And I was thrilled beyond words Cal had offered his expertise since his knowledge was far superior to mine and it would have been difficult for two heavily watched kids to gather the necessary ingredients. The complexity was increased by the car I planned to use, my graduation gift had been shipped to the chalet as it was a lot more fun to drive on those winding roads and long straight-a-ways of Montana; a 1984 Lamborghini Countach, the most expensive car available at the time, set dear old dad back over a hundred grand. This car had no back seat and no trunk, leaving very little space for explosives, we needed small and powerful and a third party to acquire then. Cal came through again, a mixture of potassium chlorate, ferric oxide, and red phosphorous - there may have been more but he lost me along the way; at the risk of being repetitive, he was an invaluable friend.

Cal and his father had a confrontation at graduation ceremonies and he wanted a place to get away for a while; he had been staying at the lodge since school let out. Pressing him for details garnered none but he was visibly shaken and I was glad to have a place to offer. But when we arrived I was shocked to see the place was a mess; fortunately I'd dismissed the chauffeur without him entering because the condition of the lodge would have precipitated a call to my father which would have proven disastrous. Cal was in a drunken or drugged stupor on the couch and by the look of things had been for quite some time; his pulse seemed strong and he did respond to our shaking so we decided to let him sleep things off as we set to work. It took the better part of the day for the two of us to clean things up, Michael grumbling profusely. Occasionally he'd lash out at Cal with a punch of a kick as he lay passed out which would in turn generate a groan and some slight movement signifying life.

By nightfall Cal's movements and breathing were more akin to sleep but I curled up in one of the arm chairs just it case he needed something during the night. Daybreak brought him a whopping headache and me a relieved smile.

"You OK?"

He sat upright holding his head. "I guess. I'll let you know when the fog clears. But I know one thing…. I'm sure glad to see you."

"Talk to me Cal. This isn't like you. What's going on?"

"I've been disowned, Alex; set out on the world with next to nothing. As far as my father is concerned I'm dead." He lowered his head and chuckled softly "It's actually kind of funny when you think about it. You'd do anything to be banished from your family and me well….I manage it just by being me…..no effort required." Slowly he dragged himself from the sofa and meandered toward the kitchen. "I'm thirsty." He raked his fingers through his hair and roughly rubbed his face.

In silence I followed, waiting for him to continue. After pouring and guzzling two tall glasses of ginger ale he wiped his hand across his mouth and looked at me. "Alex, you may feel the same way. I'm afraid I've not been completely honest with you."

My heart pounded loudly and few beads of cold sweat began to drip down my back. Could I have been wrong about him after all, had he told Alexander of my plans? My dream was so close; I had dared to accept it as reality; was it an optical illusion that now will vanish just as I reach out to touch it? Siding with my father would outrage his own; they did hate each other. Panic began to swell up in my chest as I reached back to steady myself on the counter. Once anchored I felt myself relax, resigned to accept my fate and deal with its outcome. "Go ahead Cal. I'm listening."

"It's hard to say out loud. I don't want you to hate me, Alex." His posture straightened and he looked me in the eye "Alex…I 'm…… gay."

The breath I was unknowingly holding escaped as I stood immobile; shame, regret, pity and relief all wrestled for my attention. Unable to speak I watched as my silence caused him further pain. He was convinced I wouldn't or couldn't accept his brave statement of truth just as his father.

"Well I knew I didn't like you and now I know why you fucking fairy." Startled, we both turned to see Michael standing in the doorway his face reveling his total revulsion.

I moved between Michael and Cal "Michael, Shut up! Get out!" All the color drained from Cal's as I turned to him. His face housed a look of hopelessness and shame. I reached out to him and held on as tightly as I could, proving to him that it made no difference. His pain was palpable and his fear of being rejected for who he was, distressing. I was ashamed of myself for thinking I was about to be betrayed and we stood there embracing both relieved we had been so wrong about the other. I finally found the strength to whisper, "You'll come with me now." It was not a question.

"Alex, we've talked about this" he pulled away from me, color returning to his cheeks "I'd only be in the way I'll think of something. I can be pretty resourceful when need be."

Michael had retuned to the doorway and looked on shaking his head. He had only disgust and disdain for Cal, an opinion I recognized all too well in myself, only mine was directed at our father. I took full responsibility for Michael's opinion as I'm sure it was a direct result of that night in the diner which ironically was why I had this lodge. More proof that there was nothing I owned that wasn't paid for by the pain of someone I loved.

Convincing Cal to join me was my goal for the remainder of the day; it made perfect sense. Michael, in turn, tried to persuade me to send Cal on his way. "You'd do better if you brought Lyn with you. He's not tough enough for this. He'll be crying before you're gone three days. I'll bet you." His voice was whiney and childish.

"Michael, you are wrong. He's tougher than you or I will ever be. What he did took courage I'd be grateful for his company."

Cal walked in on out conversation and knew instantly it was about him by the look on Michael's face and the instant silence "I'm sorry to interrupt but I just wanted you to know the car's all set."

"Thanks Cal. So we're all set then."

"As far as I can tell we'll be ready for to…" he stole a glance at Michael realizing he almost said too much but recovered quickly "….for the fire to burn hot enough to leave next to nothing to identify, since there will be no body. I admit to being a little uncomfortable about that - some bones would make it umm…more believable."

"We could always have ribs for dinner tonight – leg of lamb tomorrow…. You get the idea" Michael looked pleased with his little joke. His voice shifted to one of condescension "Would that make you happy Cal?"

Michael was still unaware that the next would be my last. Vera's funeral was set for 4:00 PM London time and it would not take long for the call to come in. I planned on adding to my dear father's pain by making sure it was his anger that brought about my fateful crash. I knew the first name to come to mind when he discovered Lyn was gone would be mine and he would want to see me immediately. I planned on using that call as my catalyst setting all else onto motion.

By nightfall I was certain I'd made my point and Cal finally agreed to join me. He and Michael set off for bed while I found the thought of sleep unimaginable. I pondered carefully of the few things I wanted - no needed - to take with me; a few photos - there were not many – one of Michael and me in the garden, I think Pablo took it one day and one of Claire dressed for a party. I had no picture of Lyn my only remembrance, the scarf she had made for me all those years ago. That was it; a millionaire's son and the things that mattered to me were a scrap of fabric and a few photos; all that was good in my life.


	44. Chapter 44

CHAPTER 44 CHAPTER 44

_I felt free, and I felt alive, and there was no more pain_

Zach Slater

My eyes were still wide open as the first hues of daybreak began to peak above the mountains; only a few hours left.

Michael made his way downstairs; bleary eyed and yawning. "What's for breakfast? I'm starving."

"Whatever you're making little brother….bacon, sausage, eggs and bagels sounds good to me.

Better get cracking."

"Ha, ha very funny." he plopped on the sofa, stretching his long thin body from one end to the other "I'll just wait here. Call me when it's ready."

"Well since you asked so nicely I will make breakfast but only if you keep me company. We need to talk."

With a deep sigh he pulled himself off the couch "I don't think I like the sound of that big brother; but I'm too hungry to argue." Once in the kitchen he turned a chair around and sat leaning on the back, his chin resting comfortably on his overlapped arms. "Let me have it. What did I do wrong now?" his voice turned baby like "Hurt the little sissy's feelings?"

"That's enough Michael. This has nothing to do with Cal." The bacon sizzled loudly as it hit the pan. I stepped back quickly to avoid the spatter "This has to do with us; just us. Today is the day Michael, the day Alexander Cambias Jr. dies."

Michael sat bolt upright in his chair his eyes large and disbelieving "Not yet Alex. Not so soon."

Suddenly he looked like a small child, the same small child that watched his father snap the neck of a bird. Was I really ready for this? Could I really turn my back on my brother and leave him to fend for himself? I was so certain I'd looked at every angle rehearsed every emotion.

Michael blinked back the tears "It was OK when it seemed somewhere in the future but Alex…..today? Why didn't you tell me? I needed to be ready."

I felt as though I'd been punched in the gut. This was not the reaction I'd expected. We'd talked about my leaving many, many times and he seemed to almost relish the idea; but here now we were both feeling the pain of loss and his would be twofold since he had no idea yet about Lyn. He didn't sign on to loose two siblings. "I couldn't tell you Michael; it needs to be fresh. Believe me it will make it easier for you once Father descends." The smell of burning bacon brought our attention back to the kitchen. "Damn!" I said as I pulled the pan from the stove sending hot grease flying and burning my hand on the handle in process "Shit, this may not have been such a good idea."

Michael was by my side in an instant with a reassuring hand on my shoulder "Here let me do that. You better get that under some cold water." He slowly and silently began to clean up my mess; after a few moments he said "I'm sorry Alex. I know this isn't easy for you either but damn I'm gonna miss you."

I stood by the sink watching as the tears steamed down his face. "I'm gonna miss you too little brother." I moved in a little closer placing my hands on his shoulders then pulled him in for a hug.

"You know, I think I'll go get Cal. The racket I just made could have woken the dead."

"You do that." The bitterness had returned to Michael's voice "I'll finish up here."

I stood in the doorway watching him; this was not easy on him. I wished there was another way.

Taking the steps two at a time I knocked on Cal's door and walked in. His back pack was ready and waiting by the door. Cal sat in the arm chair in front of the window, his back to me. He didn't move. "Hey Cal it's time to get going. Alexander will be calling in an hour or two. I gave the chair a solid kick and Cal slid to the floor. "Cal!" I reached for him knowing before I touched him he was dead. The needle had never left his arm. Sorrow welled up within me causing my body to shudder as I gathered him into my arms. I wept openly for my friend; I had been certain he would be joining me. Wiping the tears from my face I slowly lowered him to the floor. Standing I scanned the room, noticing the note on the bed.

_Alex,_

_You, my friend have given my life a purpose and I thank you. Your friendship has been the best experience and I am deeply touched by your generous offer, but I simply do not share your tenacity and therefore have chosen a different path. _

_I'm certain you can understand just how much your acceptance means to me but I am equally certain you will not understand my decision, but I need you to know it has been carefully considered._

_I concede to a craving for wealth and cannot see myself living any other way. Being set free by my family is not liberating, what I needed from them was the gift you gave me – acceptance. Living day to day - paycheck to paycheck would be torture and I don't have the stomach for it. I therefore offer you my life, my name and my bones. We can both be free and I take tremendous comfort in knowing my death will offer you rebirth._

_Thank you, Alex and good luck _

_Your friend, _

_Cal_

As I read my body gave way to gravity sliding down the closed door. How long I sat there I'm not sure. Cal's pack was ready for me; filled with a variety of things I would need for my journey, including cash and his ID. I'd never given it any thought before but we did have similar features, height and weight. The next thing I knew – Michael was calling to me from the foot of the stairs.

"Alex! Phone! Alex? Phone."

Eventually the words broke through and I walked from the room closing the door behind me. Michael handed me the phone as I reached the bottom step. "Hello" my tone was deflated.

"Alex! Where is Lyn?" My father's voice thundered through the earpiece but had no effect on me and brought no response "Alex! Are you listening to me? Where is Lyn?"

"She's with you. You went to get her, bring her home." My words were flat, emotionless.

"She's not here; only that whore maid of yours is here, dressed as Lyn. You knew about this Alex."

"I'm sorry but I didn't. What do you mean not there?"

"Alex, I want you here now. I've sent the jet and I want you to meet it. Do you understand me?"

"I understand, I'm on my way." There was no emotion in my voice. There was no emotion left in me I felt empty and collapsed. I hung up the phone and just stood there unable to move."

Michael stared at me. "What's wrong with you? Where's your new boyfriend."

My eyes closed tight before I let loose a fury of punches on Michael's slight frame. He simply cowered covering up as best he could; begging me to stop. As my punches lost resolve I grabbed onto his shoulders then fell into his arms "I'm sorry Michael. I'm so sorry but Cal's dead."

He pushed back and looked at me with an odd expression. "Dead?" was all he could utter.

"Dead. Suicide. We don't have much time; we need to get his body to the car."

"But Alex, this isn't supposed to be happening this fast. You can't leave me." His pleading eyes tugged at me. Was I really doing the right thing?

"Michael, you know as well as I do, there is no other way. Now please help me move Cal. Father's plane will be touching down within the hour. I need to be on my way to the airport."

The car was all set; Cal left notes guiding us through every step. There was no time to mourn my friend at the moment but I knew soon there would be nothing but time. Michael and I carried the body down the stairs and placed him in the passenger seat until we'd reached the "crash site". In addition to all of Cal's other gifts he also provided his motorcycle for me to put as much space as possible between me and the crash as quickly as possible. Michael and I said nothing as we worked. What was there to say?

Once the car was in place we weighed down the gas and released the brake. In an instant we watched the blue car rocket over the edge. There was silence for what seemed an eternity and then……my life was over.

I drove Michael back to the chalet. "This is it little brother." We stood motionless; knowing we'd never see each other again. "Take care. You know it's not too late to join me you know."

"I know Alex, but maybe you've been right all along. Maybe now I can finally be the son he wants and needs. I understand Alex and I love you."

We held on to each other until sirens broke the silence. "I need to go before they close the road. I love you too Michael. Stay stong."

I drove past the emergency vehicles as EMTs and firemen jumped into action. As a smile spread slowly across my face as I realized I was free; I felt free, I felt alive and there was no more pain.

THE END


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